just a closer walk.

being home makes a lot of things better.

i feel so shocked just last night when i was sitting in blk 163 having dinner with becky n keith,
and i zoned out, staring at blocks and mungen pple,
and i realised-
OMG im home. on a hot and humid april/may day.

its unbelievable calming to see the asians i so deeply abhor to push n shovel with.
but being home,
going to see my cousins and all the long lost 2nd cousins in my family,
my daddy's yacht
and just seeing becky and my daddy is good enough for me.

and keith of cos.

but the simplicity of the family sitting in the same room is bliss in this time of loss and literal LOSS of direction in your life.
talking and drinkin with my daddy and sissy is a bliss.
everything about this place is a bliss.
i wonder how i even managed to live so far away without seeing them.
they ARE bliss. the binny bliss (:
and i tk serenity in nana's LIFE.
and each day, her leaving brings us all closer together.
and she wouldve liked that.

If i falter, Lord, Who cares?

she's home.

of all the events in my life,
this is a first.

im not sure if im ready to move on,
but Father Chong is right-
its always easier to let go than hold on,
especially to this- to someone who's happier where they are now than on earth.

yday was her cremation.

also the day i let her go for real.
the physical isolation frm her gets to you sometimes,
especially at night.
who is to say she didnt love me enough to wait for me to come home in june right?
she has always wanted to go this way.
in her sleep.
in her gorgeous dress and a slight, subtle smile.
the look of peace on her face,
she couldnt look more prettier.

i miss you,
i do.
but i know now you're truly home.
for some reason,
ive lost my voicebox.
i dont talk as much to pple
i dont want to anymore.
i sit in my corner to eat lunch and wat not,
and i minimise words.

funny thing is,
keith was there thruout (except yday)
and my parents didnt freak.
my keiboy loved her and always got her favourite wanton mee when she lived wit him n sarah,
always listened to her love stories
and never grew frail.

she must have been glad he was there purely for her,
not for me or anyone else.
just her.

the bliss of knowing the purity of spirit and faith keiboy had,
i am contented.

things are never gonna be the same from here on.
cos' now, for sure,
i knw she's there, looking after me,
watching me
and picking me up when i fall.
things will never be the same again,
cos' now i live for my family and myself.
and the trivialest things dnt affect me as much.

My nana,
one day i'll see you.
and till then,
i'll be missing you.

im coming home.

i am leaving this hole in about.... 7 hours.
to return home to spore
to see my nana.

weeped a whole bucket of regret,
and came to realise today when i woke up,
that,
i dont have anything to regret.

when i was in spore,
i gave her my all
or at least i tried to.
i brought her roti prata when she wanted it
and i wrote her letters every month.
and no one has to anything to blame.

i thank God every second now,
that i actually sent off the last letter to her a week before this.
and she wouldve gotten my letter at least.

i was lazy and cbf to send it out but i thot,
it really isnt that hard,
so i did,
and now im really thanking God for that.

at least she knws,
that i love her
and that i rembr her.
and though i couldnt see her before she left,
she knows i gave her what time of mine that i could.

and so,
nana,
i love you and i miss you already.
youre in a much better place (trust me... i shld know)
and one fine day,
i'll be seeing you.

Oh God, send me your faith.

a lot of things, all in one shot,
a lot of people, all in a week,
taken from my hands,
leaving me with nth to look forward to,
but the mere sanctity of life in itself.

i cannot breathe.
i feel like my heart stopped beating
and sounds suddenly seem so distant to my ears.
as if,
calling out to me,
instead of directly conversing with me.

i am very weak. i figured.
i cannot think straight without my hands trembling.
i can barely drive myself home today after work.
i cannot feel my heartbeat anymore.

i cannot... anything.

Oh God
another day, another soul taken home.
please grant her mercy and grace
and strength for the whole family.
and give me the courage to live again.
my body won't move and my eyes won't open.

Maybe thats how it really feels.

a life less lived.

for all the losses ard the werld,
make up for them with love and compassion and strength.
let the light shine thru
and they will smile down on you.
(:

i am ok today.
better.
only bad side of things,
beck is coming back to spore in june.
whoooopsie daisy!
oh wells.

i am not mad or annoyed at life and its events anymore.
i dont think that life is unfair (even tho it PROBABLY is hehe).
i dont fret over the simplest motions i have to go thru each day.
and altho, dilini insisted on my "sexual attraction" to him (or what not) today,
i am not flustered at her.
i usually would be cos sometimes i feel like she thinks she knows what i feel deeeeep inside.
when really,
she's very wrong abt alot of things that happened btwn us.

what really happened and how it happened,
only we both knw.
no one else can engrave into our history what never happened.
and if she thinks she's soooo sure abt us,
then let it be.

deep deep inside,
(if its not already obvious enough. hah)
i only have keith.
i dont have the capacity and heart to even let a teenie bit of love linger for S.
its true.
and tho i REMINISCE (which is a coping mechanism to slowly let go bit by bit),
I really do love Keiboy.
and i cant ever explain to you enough in words just what i feel when i hear my phone beep/ring each morning and each night.
and to knw that even halfway ard the werld,
theres someone who loves me greater than life.

that, dil, is smth ive never felt till now.
so pls dont assume i still like S and what not.
i jst DONT have that in me to do so.
(:

life is getting better.
it always does.
when you learn to let go of the littlest things or mishaps,
the "subtle" signs we make ourselves believe that that someone still loves us,
the 'iloveyou's that they'll never say to us again,
and every girl he walks away with-
you WILL realise the greater good in life.

a life so blessed,
a life less lived.
---------------------------------------------

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through
Going
Coming
Thought I heard a knock(Whose there, No one?)
Thinking that (I deserve it)
Now I have realised
That I really didn't know

If you didn't notice
You mean everything
(quickly I'm learning) To love again
(all I know is) I'll be oooOook

(Chorus)Thought I couldn't live without you
It's going to hurt when it heals too
Oh yeaah
(It'll All get better in time)
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile because I deserve too
Oooh(It'll all get better in time)

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something that would remind me
Was it all that easy? To just put us out your feeling
If i'm dreamin
Don't want to let it (hurt my feelings)
But that's the past (i believe it)
And I know that, time will heal

If you didn't notice
Well you mean everything
(quickly i'm learning)
Oooh turn up again (All I know is)
I'm be ok

(Bridge)Since there's no more you and me
(No more you and me)
This time I let you go so I can be free
And Live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is
I will be fine without you

Yes I Will

-Leona Lewis Better in Time.

so we all had a bad day.

i have bad bad news.

i knw that a lot of times i blog out every single detail to save myself the pain of bearing it all alone.
but today,
just today,
i knw that the pain i feel even for sm1 not directly significant to ME per se,
is no where near comparable to the pain felt by my other family members.
and for this,
i pray for all the blessings you can offer to Uncle Bonnie.
and to my step- ah ma who is having an op today.
took over 5 hrs or sth with no definitive answer yet.

smtimes even the good ones suffer.
and thats jst life
but God didnt dump them without a care in the werld.
i knw he's right THERE.

God,
please take care of both of them
and my mummy too.
God be with them. guardian angel and all the saints and souls in heaven.
i ask of your grace.

suddenly the skies turn a shade of grey.
not apretty one.
and i feel, very fortunate tho very selfish.

life is so often less cherished than the riches.

....

had urology tutes. all abt penic, urethra and what not.
then had surgery. upper GIT and general surg.
2 lapbands and im soooo over it!

PEOPLE,
GET OFF YOUR ARSE
AND STOP EATING
then maybe you wont have to fork out shits for a lapband.

ok sorry im so tired i jst want to rant.
im nt very happy you see.

okkk decided. i'll stay at tampines the ulu-ated place with keith.
buttttt if i do have other options....
PLEASE LET ME KNW. thanks.

loveeeeeeeeee werld. i gotta give tuition today! HOW EXCITED *mumbles....*
bye bye werld.

i feel the tears

okayyyyyy.
my life plan in june jst came to a standstill.

i can almost feel the tears well up inside of me.

i can almost feel them fall.

ok so i thot being stubborn but WILLED will get me thru this.
apparently not.
God wont let the bad rest.
i see.

soooo now,
after worryin abt my exam day clashing with my flight,
and having to hide frm my parents in spore,
and having to plan to meet ppl fuckfar frm town jst in case i meet randoms,
etc etc
and finally getting a job to support all these expenses,
i dont have accomodation anymore.

alrightyyyy.
so lifes a big bitch when u need it to be nice.
and i can almost feel this whole plan to sneak home one big fat mistake.
one huge, fucked up plan.
and all thats left of it,
is me missing keith and all back there.
and for that teenie weenie bit of missin' left,
i WILL GET HOME EVEN IF IT KILLS ME.

there,
im nt so sad anymore.
finding accomodation for ONE MONTH is no joke.
i've got a lot to bear.
and to be in constant fear of seeing my parents is bad enough.

i dont deserve this shit.
i really honestly dont think that i deserve it!

-i worked for this.
-i studied long before i really needed to just so i have my work done before coming home.
-im tutoring nw jst to support all these expenses
-i didnt resort to illegal means to get this far
-im paying for my OWN ticket with my EARNED money.
-im a citizen, its my country too you knw.
-i wldve finished my exams in june!!!!!!!
-AND I HONESTLY MISS MY COUSINS ESP, ALL MY UK/SD CLUB FRENS AND ALL THAT. HOW ABOUT SCULLY/BELLY AND ALL MY FRENS.
(as much as my parents think its just keith keith keith. its not)

no one is in any right to tell me i dont belong home in MY HOLIDAYS.
its my life. my money. my exams. my grades. my work. my time and effort. MY FRIENDS. MY BOYFRIEND. my everything.
so let me be.
and get the fuck outta my way.

boredom reigns

i dont actually have anything on here but im still at hospital.
thats lame. tsk*

i wanna book some hotel resort thingy in sentosa for our anniversary
but its allllll a bomb.
its a tourism rip, what can i say.
hah.

yeahhh anyhooots,
im gonna buy groceries nw
and head home. WOOOOT. its a good day today.
i really shld be studying math to give tuition tmr tho.
heheehe.

im boredddddddd.
someone entertain me.
(:
i miss the boyyyy and all my SD ppl, and flowence lau pok pok.
(:
loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

what a useless weekend.

ok i totalllllly forgot abt dinner at chinatown with sameh.

so there goes my weekend plan.
i went to the gym at mich's place yday for bout an hr.
i ran, did weights and crunches.
and i think i lost 400 calories (which is alot for me ok. considerin i have NEVER worked out since.... 2006?!!?!?)
yes.
im happy.
BUT the goal is to keep the weight off and keep it up! (:

OHHHH
and today i got up later than usual. soooo there goes another weekend.

ive wasted all my weekend doing nth but get fit one day and pig out the other at Pacific House (some asian place) with Mich n kris n Ayan.
we had Chilli crabs on mee, pork ribs on mandarin sause, snow peas! andddd zhou.
yummylicious.
that replaced the chinatown plan but ohwells. my bad.

and even if i did rembr,
Keiboy did msg me that though he doesnt say it to my face,
inside he gets the lil stab when i DO go out with exs. esp this one.
and sometimes i just dont knw what to do anymore.
i mean,
ok,
life's been a mess with you
and sometimes i feel like hospital life is just not meant to be when youre ard.
butttt im still a part of you
and i cant avoid you for the rest of my life.
keiboy just needs a lotttt of time to get over it.
and till then,
we'll still have our lil chinatown date!
thats not supposed to happen, should it.

and so,
a song im addicted to for sooo long. jst to end the day. enjoy! (:
-------------------------------------------------

I saw you with your new girl just yesterday
And I feel that I must confess
Even though it kills me to have to say
I'll admit that I was impressed
Is it calling just showed up affection
Gotta commend you on your selection
Though I know I shouldnt be concerned
In the back of my mind I cant help but question

Does she rub your feet (when you've had a long day)
Scratch your scalp (when you take out your braids)
Does she know that you (like to play ps2 till 6 in the morning like I do)

I cant explain this feeling
I think about it everyday
And even though we've moved on
It gets so hard to walk away
(I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me)
Walk away, walk away
(I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me)
Walk away(i cant forget it how we use to be)

I guess I gotta live my life from day to day
Hoping maybe you'll come back
And though I tell myself not to be afraid
To move on
but it seems I cant
No other man has given me attention
It aint the same as your affection
Though I know I should be content
In the back of my mind I cant help but question

Does he kiss me on the forehead (before we play)
Show on my doorstep (with a bouquet)
Does he call me in the middle of the day (just to say)
Baby I love you (like you used too)

I cant explain this feeling
I think about it everyday
And even though we've moved on
It gets so hard to walk away
(I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me)
Walk away, walk away
(I'm gonna remember you, you gonna remember me)
Walk away
(i cant forget it how we use to be)

So hard to express this feeling
Cause nobody compares to you (to you)
And you know she'll never love you like I do

Paula Deanda's Walk Away

This song is soo right. not all.jst the bolded ones.
cos' you knw she'll never love you like i do.

SHITEs

OMGGGGGGGG news.
(:

ok this will apply to linnie, stef, xy, karl. basically the SD club exclusives.

ok YOU PPLE.
guess what. karl's ex is impregnated.
ok sorry karl my love. but she is.
yes you all.
my fren's bf was the culprit (tho theyre nt tog now. but still, it was when they were still tog)
ok
so this twotiming lowdown dirty piece of shit has caused allll of em much distress
and karl dearest,
TOLD YOU SHE WASN'T GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH. hahahah
its not that im judging nw.
i jst wanted to prove (that its such a coincidence) and YOU WERE SOOO MCUH BETTER THAN HER babe.

yes linn.
i bet youre like freakin elated cos you never quite liked her either.
but ok fine,
this isnt a very nice expected thing to happen to anyone right nw
butttt still.
you gotta admit, its kinda... EXPECTED (frm my point of view).

two hoots for her.
hope things go well. (:

im not happy btw. im jstttt shocked its such a coincidence
and how unhappy would she be when i meet her in sg in june.
OHHMANNNN. no more zouk mambojumbo for her.

Life is what happens when you're busy making excuses.

i lied to my own sis beck abt my trip hm.
living a lie, sad, i knw.

but how not to, when even the closest pple we confide in dont believe in us?

i wont give up or give in now,
so all those who undermined us will knw,
that we'd do anything for love.

and for those who didnt think a LongDistanceRship would last,
In your face.

it wldve been easier to just say "fuck it. im coming home" or "fine he'll comehere instead"
or jst be honest.
but it really isnt.
with a family like mine,
with knuckle for heads and stubbornness for a family trait,
its hard to talk to them and knw for sure that theyre actually listening to you.

its getting a lil too cold for my liking. 7degrees in the morning is a boner.
lest the arvo.
nw beck wanna come to visit me here. WTF?!?!?
oh man this plan reallllly isnt working out too well.

oooooh. keith went to his aunt's wedding yday
and got a lil drunk.
he complained abt his mom constantly getting hit on. lol
anddd he called ..

baby, will you marry me?

errrrr... okayyyyy.(with a tinge of hesitation cos i knew its him drunk talking)

really? *laughs*

):
its not funny. i jst embarrassed myself.
thats smth I DO and say nahh jst tryin to mk u happy.
NOW he's doing it to me!!roar!
(: keiboy cnt stop tlakin abt weddings, speeches, dresses, pple, kids etc.
THATS MY BOY!
(ive grown into him!!)
hehe. i love chu keiboy!

and i cant wait to hold you.

ps. one new reader of my blog: florence ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
(: welcome welcome. hp this doesnt make u a no-lifer after a week. teehee.
love u lau pok pok! (: mwahhh

blue as the mood reveals

life life life.

today, though a long day,
was good. and worth the tiredness. (maybe not the gastritis, but ohwell!)

had pathology this morning at freakinnn 7am at alfred.
had to get up at 4.45, shower, drive to cabrini and then take a tram to alfred.
then go to Melbourne Pathology for a tutorial, then head back to cabrini for surgery.

vascular surgery.
im starting to think i like vascular surg!
its awesome. and for once, i went thru 3 ops without looking at the clock. hehe.

so now im back. fina-fucking-ly!
can pig out on some snacks etc.
(:
so much for weight ctrl!!! (:

ooooooooh found out i got an exam on 13thjune. FUCKKK.
now i gotta find out the timing so that i can rebook my flight
or if its early,
i can still make it in time for darwin!! (:
anyhoots,
my old number is back so pple,
you can contact on either numbers, dont matter muchhh.

im bored.
melb is fun. but not fun when your heart and mind's not in it to begin with.
suppose to meet sameh for dinner tmr
gotta check my schedule.
i still have to 'study' math methods to make sure i dont embarrass myself tutoring next week.
eeeeks!

oh yes
and to add to my daily rants here,
THERES A FREAKING HUGE BLACK CAT FOLLOWING ME HOME.
its freaking.
its getting skinnier. maybe i shld give it food,
but thennn! aHAH! it wil stalk me even more.
and if u dont alr knw,
i have a major phoebia of cats. dont ask why. i dont knw either.

i need a big breakkkkk frm all the work. till i find the simplest joys in even bloggin now.
tired and used.
i need a break.

im bored.

my love was pissedddd last night frm all that ethanol in Gotham. heh.
and kept talking abt those odyssy dancers. the new ones. the GIRLS with devlin.
grrrrrrrrr.

anyhooots.
wateverrrrrrrrrr!

point is, poor love was drunk. the end. (:

ooooh and talked to florence too. funnnn.
im lying. its official.
im lying.
so if anyone is gonna meet me in spore.
YOU knw who not to tell ok.

i WILL meet u all. im sure.
buttttt i need everyone to be subtly excited. lol.
and dont scream. i'd die.
no really.
i cant waitttttttttt. im happy.
im happy that im doing smth i wanna do for once in my life during the hols.
(medicine is NOT during the hols. lol)
and for once,
im gonna say fuck it to my parents. YAY!
(: (: (:

ooooh. and i got 2 tutoring jobs next week. YAY thats extra money (or ANY money) to help me with bills and financial shitties.
i REALLY need a freakin job.
plus keith's bday is coming.
his present killed me i tink. oh and the card. heh.
OH WELLLLLL,
i cant waittttttttttt to go home man. wooooooooots.

one thing,
i need a shelter. soooo *biggggg smile*
(:
i mean, im stayin w keith on weekends and stuff but he's in fuckin TAMPINES.
thats like .... so nottttt wicked.
and i need a form of transportation (like taxis... hehe) in an area i KNOW wtf i am.
seriously. tampines?!?!?!? haha.

anyhoooots im late for ward rounds!
gotta shoottt.
(: misses xox

omfgggggggg.

my life is A MESS.
but yet, amidst the shitness of it all,
i reside in the comfort of the love.
and all the support thru the shits of this werld.

some ppl dont understand youths. really.

i rembr my surgeon once told me
People who treat you like shit cos' they forgot what it feels like to be a young, budding student.
and its true no matter what context!
they force you to feel inferior cos they dont knw or they conveniently forget being a youth once,
and having to go thru a shitty fucked up life like i am, yearrrrs back.

i cant even go back to spore now.
argued with dad and ad, was cut open to be put down with foul, foul words from your own parents.
to be degraded just to try my luck to get my arse home.
im freezing here. and im having de worse flu.
(which btw, i dont generally have flus and what not.)
im having burnout from all the EDs and work
that i need to go home.
NOW.

sorry baby. i will come back to you.
i promise.

oooooooooooh u bitch

i am fucked.

i was alright. HAPPY for once this week
and not arguing with keith anymore.
THEN,
Ad had to call me at freaking 12am in the morning,
woke me frm my sleep,
and then asked abt my car, insurance etc.

THENNNNN
before she put dwn the phone,
she said "Stop smoking Rach. you of all ppl, why do you like to hurt me"
AND THEN SHE JUST BURST OUT CRYING.
saying stuff like im sucha disappointment etc etc ET-fuckin-C.

and i swear i cld smack sm1.
THENNNNNNNN nvm. she hangs up ON ME even after calling me names and what not
and called my dad to BITCH.
seriously? get a life.
fancy telling my daddy ABOUT HIS OWN DAUGHTER being rude,a smoker, etc
and making stories like "she doesnt wanna be a doctor" and "she scolded me a fucking bitch"
OK THIS IS WHERE YOU CROSS THE LINE.

i may hate you a lot right nw,
but i NEVER, swear to God, called you ANYTHING no matter how much you told me you dont want me home in June.
youre my stepmom and YOU DONT EVEN WANT ME HOME. what mother does that make you?
and to say things to look good and mk me look bad,
is just low.
dont be so cheap.

you complain your life is shit
my dad is shit to you. (you wonder why. lol)
and that you cant handle things.
GET A GRIP.
you chose to have so many kids, you chose to LET ME COME AUSTRALIA,
dont go complaining abt YOUR bad decisions.
you make stories up.

actually, you are right. i dont wanna be a doc. cos i wanna be a fucking surgeon.
which in any case, is tecnhincally higher than a doc.
SO FUck YOU.
why must you ruin my excitement abt finally getting a ticket to go home.
why must you make me miserable jst cos your marriage is not working out.
why cant you just be happy for me
and stop being such a bitch abt life.
life is bitchy enough. leave that to someone else.

you really mk me feel horrible for even TELLING you i got a tickt home.
and sooo,
my final decision regarding this matter:
Im not gonna tell my family im coming home.
im gonna live in a service apptmt or better, keith's place.
and im gonna say this again:
FUCK IT. FUCK you.
try being here, in the fucking cold, all your youth,
alone.
with no form of love but the wrath of your exs,
and tell me again ITS EASY STUDYING MEDICINE.
you are such a low down dirty piece of shit.

there.
and now im happy.

sticky situations

i need a flight homeeeeee.
boo.

i cant sit ard here staring across the room at you.
this wont work for me!

my theory to make my life less complicated or potentially rship-wise destructive:
dont put yourself in the situation in the first place.
its true.
if you tend to regret doing things
or you KNOW you shldnt do certains things but STILL do it in the end,
STOP!

why put yourself in an unnecessary position to make unnecessary decisions right?!?
well its hard to say.
i know, that DEEP INSIDE,
half the time,
we WANT to be in that situation to get that last lingering hope of love once again with someone we've lost or will soon lose.
and we try to rekindle that last, due to die, lust.
and poof. there goes the rship we NOW have with someone else.

why jeopardise what we have for smth we had?
God let us lose a past rship for a reason.
he didnt do it to torture either one of us.
its for a better next one. and even better next one afters.

i had the nicest time with S.
and these memories DONT ever change.
no matter how shitty times get now btwn us,
it doesnt change what we had.
it was real.
too bad it couldnt tolerate the hard times we shared.
but you see- thats the diff, one thing doesnt change- we shared it.
isnt that special in itself already?

and now that ive had my share of S
and all the perfect times together,
its time to let him share that with someone else
and me?
i'll deal.

so im getting myself back.
as ive alr stated before.
till im becoming an obsessive blogger to kill the time alone at home.

but to reiterate the fact i wanna share.
DONT put yourself in a situation you cant get out of- or that you knw you'll regret.
i alwayssssss do that and it sucks.
trust me.

if you tink going to ur ex's hse might lead you to cheat on your bf/gf,
DONT GO!
who cares if you wanna be 'nice' and be 'friends' again with that person?
who really gives a shit if you wanna look like you're totally over him/her?
NO ONE.
and the only one who WILL care, is your partner NOW,
who is left to suffer for your ineffectuality.
your lack of self-ctrl.
and your lack of respect for yourself and your partner.

i knw,
cos' ive been there.
i let S suffer for smth that didnt happen.
and its funny,
cos it didnt need to happen for us to realise this isnt working for shits man.
but to sum it up,
we'd be tog like for a year now if not for that one bad bad situation i let myself get into.
and now,
im left to crawl outta it myself. alone. and who was to say i was wrong,
even tho i did nth indecent?!
NO ONE. cos no one cares.

ok ive ranted. now im gonna shut.
poor keiboy is back home, working his arse off with iraq stuff and mat selamat terrorist things
so i can have a better life when we're both done with our work and shits.
see.
things always get better dont they?

i love the boy (:

smtimes i think too much and try too hard to get things right
that i sway from you, to start with.

and i dont want to even dream of that happening.

yday i met up with samsee (meg's bro) and spent like 10hrs hangin out.
he's sooo sweet i tell ya.
he treated me to teppanyaki- which came up to like 180bucks i tink.. :S
andddd had coffee and cake after that.
andddd went church tog at St Augustine
anddd had a dvd night (:

AND THEN amidst all the fun i was having,
i rembrd fuck i havent called the boy since... forever.
and i promised to.
so i rushed hm and he was too tired to talk.
ok fine.

things arent going PERFECT (if u see where im going)
and we're both tryin so harddddd
that we start to get agitated easily, we raise our voice easily, we dont try to ctrl anything anymore, we swear easily, basically,
we make this rship even worse than it was before.
and soooo,
now ive awoken frm my stupid stupid ideations abt S and what not,
and realized -

i love keith julian rodrigues.

i do and i'll do everythin and anything for you my love.
im trying.
i'll go thru all this with you
and im cominggggg home soon.
it doesnt matter what they say or what he does or says
it doesnt matter how he makes me feel
and all that.

i love you my boy.
tk cr.
and wait for me.
you're my gorgeous gorgeous love.
and ive never had someone as close to my dreams as you. and i will keep loving you.
mwahhh*.

baby,
i will come home to u ok.

ED

OMFGosh.

ok. went castle last night. wasnt that pissed. just VERY LITTLE. enough to CATCH a plump asian girl who rolled down a spiral staircase. IMAGINE HOW SOBER I MUST HAVE BEEN.
lol.

anywayyyys
i saw the hottie VIVIAN. hes austrasian. MIXED BLOOD. (:
anywayyyyyys
i was too tipsy to talk to him. anywayyyyyyyy
danced a lil. it was a DJ fest with some hongkie superstar shit.
oh wellls.
u wldnt believe it! i met like LOADSSSSSSA pple there whom i have NEVER talked to for 3 years or so!
like Cyrius, and his frens,
Carolllllllllllllllll babe,
Alfredo frm samoa,
Alex frm taylors
and alotttttt of ppl la.
point is- WTF ARE WE ALL DOING AT CASTLE?

it started good cos the DJ was really gd and he came frm some random country.
but the pple.
OH MANNNNN the pple.
ASIANNNNNS ONLY. steven was the only white guy there.
and one of the floor bouncers (who was tryin to pick up) asked me my race
and he was like "even tho ure singaporean, at least you look outstanding amongst everyone else"
in that,
it WASNT a compliment!
in fact,
he was insulting the whole crowd cos they are alllll CHINESE MUNGENS.
ohwell.
its funny. he thot i was Greek. S:

so anywy i stayed at mich's place.
woke up fucking late. (thank you love for waking me up with your love!)
andddd i got to ED (emergency dept) slighttttttttly late.
hahah

but now im at cabrini bloggin cos the docs think im having burnout and asked me to take a 2 hr break. wooo!
haha I AM BURNT OUT.
i cannulated (put in IV lines) for like 12 ppl in an hour,
took bloods from all of them,
had to send the specimens to pathology
and stuf.
and got all my procedural skills signed off in my logbook!
and i did venepuncture.
andddddd i put on casts on broken limbs
and i decided what tests to do on a pt BY MYSELF (the doc trusted me to do it unsupervised. im sure he'll never do that again. lol)
anddddd i had to tell a pt he is diagnosed with heart failure.
SO YES
my day is filled
but i cant wait for 10pm when i get off work!!!! TWELVE HOUR SHIFT ISNT EXACTLY A WALK IN THE PARK.
then i can call my love and tell him im sorry for drunktalking yday and
making him feel insecure and all that.

I LOVE KEIBOY
and i wanna say,
I WON'T DO ANYTHING YOU WOULDN'T DO BABY.
(thats his CLASSIC line ever. and i love it!)

wtffffffffffffffffffffffffff.

ok pls ignore my totally unnecessary rants about a love that didnt last longer than a pearl habour movie. (ok sorry the link. haha)

ive been thinking,
tearing,
or weeping.
been whining
and resenting my life and decisions and all the things that need not be reminded of today.

maybe its just cos' im lonely.
and well,
i need to find constructive things to do instead of draggin myself down this oneway street with you.

crying,
and talking to mich n kris huns.
and thennnnnn GOING TO CASTLE TONIGHT FOR AN EVENT!!!!
(heheh. had to caps that. lol)
all these make me realise im NOT that person.
im NOT that girl who sits ard, crying when im alone, or bored for that matter,
tearing when sad sappy songs come on the radio,
waiting ard for smth good to come along.
IM JUST NOT THAT CHICK.

im the person who's supposed to be waited on.
im THAT girl.
im the girl who never has to pay for her own drinks.
the one who watches you watch me when im having all the fun.
OKKKAYYYY??

it seems obvious nw that i shldnt stoop so low.
but when EMOTIONS take over,
fuck that shit,
youre going down.

soooo jst to save my face a lil here,
IM GETTING ON FINE NOW.
thanks for all the msgs and what not.
im REALLY REALLY good. im sorry i got emotional at the most inappropriate times.
buttt thats jst me.
killing the mood. hahaha.

im jst glad now,
im going to Castle and getting lowwww.
(:
hope its all good.

and to Sam,
Happy Birthday!! hope you had yet another onenighter (with 2 chicks) for your bday gift. (:
smtimes i wonder, justttt wonder,
is this all meaningful for you personally? or isit just such.
and everything is done just cos you can?

dont stare too hard,
i might just fall in love again.

dont come too close,
i might meet your lips.

dont hold too long,
i might never let you go.

(for the deepness of emotions i felt just today, when you did just that-
and i couldnt pull away)
-------------------------------------------------------
nth much.
today i feel so shameful
i cant believeeeee myself.
really.
i deny feeling anything. anything at all
and when i hear stuff abt you or SEE stuff abt you,
i feel like breaking down
and i do break down a lil inside each passing day.
when i talk to keiboy and he always tell me "why do you keep tlaking abt him. whats so great abt him".

and i choke.

Nothing's great.
but nth was broken to begin with.
everything that happened, happened on my account.

so in tryin to figure out why i cant get over it. or him
i jst cant find reasons to be the way i was before to him.
a mere shallow of shame and yet, he never quite gave up.
the only one who stayed by me in my op and didnt judge
and even IF he did, he still stayed. and thats enough.

im only bloggin this in "memory" of him cos its his bday
and hes got the right to be praised and liked.
and i have the maturity and sanity to smile each time he rants on abt sm chick nurse or whoever.
i am not a figure of mockery, just standing by, waiting for smth to change.

i knw my place
and thats why today i gave him a lil note.
a note of wellwishes and what not
and to say jst how much im letting go as of today.

i'd regret this one day. i knw i will
but you dont love me anymore S.
the moment you walked out on us when you THOT i was indecent, you didnt love me anymore.

one year already.

i am not sore generally.
i just dont think some ppl are sensitive enough.

i woke up today,
realising that in 2 days time is your bday.
(nooo not keiboys.)
point is- its been a full year! i cant believe how fast time flies when you're havin fun
(or was)
i dont know how to pass the card to you
or even chuck it at you before needing to go off somewhere unimpt. S:
i dont know how to tell you all the well wishes i usually wld.

you knw how ppl always say they'll neverrrr move on
or they dont tink they'll ever love again blah blah...
EVERYONE moves on.

and cliche as it sounds,
it always gets better
im not saying this to make myself feel better.
but it did, didnt it?
and now youre out talking so openly and loudly about all your one-nights and what not.

i knw
this is your way of holding up your pride-
to mk yourself look wanted and me, well, not.
im RIGHT there in the same room, feeling shitty over a personal event in my life
and there you go
flaunting your sexual activeness.

maybe you ARE too good for me.
maybe thats why i cld never give you anything near this, or even tolerate this.
and someone else (most probably a nurse) can give you all this.
but you knw what?
i dont wanna know abt it.
keep personal things the way they shld be- personal.
and give me a piece of mind.

one year now,
and i feel so... unhooked. weird word to pick. but yes. unhooked.
released.
we are so different its not funny.
yet in so many ways, our lives keep intertwining.
i wld NEVER do anything near what youre doing now.
and its fair to say that we've got totallllllly diff values- how were we gonna work that out in the beginning?!?!

dont turn ard to look back at me after youve walked away.
(literally)
its killin me.
and i feel the pinch of it now.
i get it. im not good enough.

rightoooo.

its... 10th april isnt it?

oh goshhh. thats a third of april goneeeee. yes! (:
i cant wait for JUNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

ooooh i might go bkk to see linn if anyone else wanna come?!?!?!?!?! (: (:
keiboy might not be able to come.
*sniffffffffs.

oh well.

last night i managed to talk to the love on the phone
and MAN WAS I TEARY.
i dont think he knew.
but anyhoots,
its been a while alr since we've got tog (ok not THAT long)
but i dont know why, even after our lil "honeymoon" period,
i still feel the tingles and stuff.

i usually get over the ooooohs and ahhhs of every rship by..... the 2nd mth or even quicker.
(:
i miss u love.
i will be patient and wait for you to get out of the army. i promise. (:
ilu* my all.

another bad bad day.

ok pls ask why im pisssssssssssed off.

first up. i woke up at freaking 6am in the freaking COLD morning
just to come to cabrini this fuckedup shit to read "PBLs this week are cancelled".
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. ok. and i have nth on today so that means that i woke up for nth at all.

Thennnnnn i made my nice nice brekkie for my lunch at the hospital.
WTF. wasted time and effort. fuck this.

last of all. the damn library here isnt open so i cant get my pathology book to be a nerd.
WTF. i cant get the key either cos it isnt there!! ):
ok whats wrong with today. is it jst me?!?!?!

im so sian.
i wanna smack ppl in their noses. random. but i do.
and to wake up in time today for this, i cldnt talk to keithboy on the phone last night cos i wanted to have ample ample sleep (and get better complexion. LOL).
fuck this.
this is soooooo not my day.
bye werld. hope tmr's post comes on a lighter note!

i miss the love.
I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU MY LOVE!!! and IM the luckiest person- not u! (: teehee.
ahhhhhhhhh
you know whats really sweet? the small things.
the smallest things that he does subconsciously that makes me tingle in a silly place.
(like that song)
like when he pulls out my chair everyyyyyy single time without even making an effort.
thats sweet.
when he kisses my forehead each time i sneeze.
THATs sweet

bloggin... again!?!?

see! im bloggin again. tsktsk.
thats how ineffectual my studyin plan and cabrini life is.
roarrrr.

ohwells.
i have BLS reassessment in ... 10 mins. (its Basic Life Support)
stuuuuuuuuupid E. (a bitch i wont name) who is soo strict that ONE minor mistake with NUMBERS and i have to retake the test.
roarrrr. cant complain. the whole cabrini is retaking it. LITERALLY. no shit.

ohwells.
jst bored soooo decided to rant here.
ranting to myself while showering would jst be... freaky?!
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooohman. boredom.
oooooh i started my healthy diet ONCE AGAIN
with the start of crunchynut clusters with milk for breaky.
a cup of tea (NOT coffee mind you!)
anddd TWO biscuits. the yummylicious arnotts ones.

*bigggg smile*.
its funny how just food can mk me a happy child.

tinkin of gg bkk to see linnnnnie darl.
butttt i got keith in sg, whom i have only like 5 days to see in the whole month of june thanks to freakingggg army. grrrs.
but oh well, i might jst try to go.

oh mannn and the SAVING UP is gonna kill meeee!
yikes! ):
i shld reallllly stop complaining. i dont even work anymore.
lol.
bye werldddd. blog tmr ok?!?!?! ghahaha

why am i bloggin twice in an hour?
i dont knw.

boredom. really. i cant believe i resorted to reading Gray's Anatomy textbook. eeeks!
S:

Just a random note-
Pray for my nana. for the spirit and guidance she gave me in my studies.
for the hours i spent sitting with her in EDs and ophthalmic appointments.
i love her. a lot.
just pray please.

This town is colder now
i think its sick of us
its time to make a move
im shaking off the rugs

steady hands just take the wheel
every glance is killing me
time to make one last appeal
for the life i lead

stop and stare
i think im moving but i go nowhere
yeah i know that everyone gets scared
i become what i cant be

stop and stare
you start to wonder why youre here not there
and you'd give anything to get whats fair.

3 mths only?

OMG. i was using my com to do some note stuffs
anddddd it automatically tapped on some random person's internet!
hahah foolS! dont they knw they have to password their internet here!?!? (:

anyhoots. i shouldnt complain.
I AM the freeloader. lol.

im bored.
went to church. then groceries shopping.
YESSSS i finally have more than a bread crumb in my cupboards
in fact, i bought more than usual. hmmmmms.
i got crunchy nut clusters. my favvvvv.
the essential- milk bread
stew ingredients- potatoes carrots onions mushrooms SOUP!
spaghetti marinara ingredients- well, MARINARA of cos, pasta sauce, pasta.
and healthier snacks- arnotts. (i hope theyre healthy. yikes!)

and lots more.

ok i dont knw why i jst blogged that. haa.

ohhh my cuzz jeremy jst ORD-ed frm NS. WOOOT! another one outttt!
jst left the love. booo.
which reminds me.
its kindaaaaa unjustified to not support jem to come here for post-NS hol when his bro got to come. ok im being fair, im weighing out other expenses they might have.
and i knw theyre moving hse and all that
and alot of stuff to buy etc etc.
but poor jem tels me he isnt THAT qualified and he wants to continue his studies.
and his parents havent responded yet. (i tink.)

the werld is a weird weird place.
pple who have the money, HAVE THE SUPPORT, have everything made convenient for them to study, isnt studying. or worse, dropped out.
and those who WANNA study, or work, cant bloody confirm if thats what theyre gonna end up doing.

ok now im officially ranting.
i jst find a lot of things unfair. and I KNOW thats life.
but why do we have to settle with "thats life".
THATS NOT LIFE.
thats jst the need for change.

wowwwwww. i sound so smart suddenly. SUDDENLY. lol
talked a bit to the love last night and this morning.
called him earlyyyy after mass today to wish him happy 3rd mth anni.

yes,
its been 3 mths alr. more like ONLY!
i swear. even mich and kris were like "what? 3 mths? arent u guys married alr or sth??"
ha. we are. inside.
(okkkkay. that jst made me throw up a lil inside.) hahaha.
lol. the memories.

but not to fret,
though we have NEVER celebrated our anniversaries (thanks to the bloody distance btwn us)
butttt im going back in june. ard 13th i tink.
and i will pick the love up frm camp evreyday
and put him to bed each night before i sneak off and rush home. hehe.

to come to think of it.
i might reside in Florence's hse in Woodlands. jst cos.
dont wanan be living with family when not everyone's happy for me to comehome.
HINT HINT.
anyhoots.
the love might go Iraq in july/sept for a couple of mths.
no diff to me cos im in aust.
but big diff cos its freakin IRAQ!!! hellllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooo
i swear the govt is tryin to get rid of him of smth. first the terrorist, now this?!??!

lol. point blank.

anyhoots,
he wants to go on a major holiday when he getsback.
which is, effectively, xmas time. and alsoooooo my 21st! (:
yay.

isnt that sweet.
isnt that jst a breakthru frm all my other rships that went downhill the moment it began?
that is sweet.
i didnt agree (of cos)- im not a freeloader ok. (except for the internet im using now. but thats different! my comp connected to it automatically!!)
hahahhaa
life is bittersweet.
as much as i hate it smtimes and wanna meet God jst to ask him how he bashes Life in its face.
but there will always be that one moment, or two, in time- when you figured all that pain, suffering, stress, loneliness and what not, is worth it jst for that ONE moment.

its hard to say how far i'll get with him or how long.
but you knw what?
IT DOESNT MATTER.
really. it doesnt.
if for sm perverse reason it ends. then it does. then thanks for the memories, ive never been happier.
but im praying it lasts.

cos you'll knw its real.
and our love is innocent. pure. the kind that doesnt take resentment or angst.
and i cant tell you how much we have ahead of us.
but thats why we'll both take it together.

THIS IS A PIC I FOUND! Before we are together. isnt it sweeeeeeeeeeet (: (: (: fine, i was a lilllll tipsy that day. WHATEVER!!!this is me TODAY (sat). lotsa eyeliner to show the mood ):

anna my favvv girl and i! in cabrini

this is claire. she was tired (:
tsk. dont ask why my hair is litat ok. i had surg that day. booo.
today. the day to be emoooooooooooooooooo

addicted to Chris Brown's With You. (: (: (:

(will post lyrics soooooN!)

im at kris n michelle hun's hse now.

jst hanging ard on a boring, nice warm n fuzzy saturday arvo.

nth much really.

I FINISHED MY WORK ALR.

oh god. i cant believe im actually complainin abt that! lol.

anywayyy

nth muchhh really. jst maybe a couple of pics to cheer up this blog of mine.

and to all at home in sg,

WAIT FOR ME! IM COMING HOME IN JUNE.

yes. im paying myself and i cant be fucked if my family isnt gonna be happy.

i'll live at florence's place.

and i can see my love evryday (: (when hes not in camp that is!)

oh mannn,

i cant wait to see the love again.

----------------

You mean to me what I mean to you

And together baby there is nothing we won't do

'Cause if I got you

I don't need money

I don't need cars

Girl you're my heart

ahhhh sweeeeeeeet

ok i used to dislike anaesthetists.
for reasons unlisted.

buttt i had neurosurg today and OMG it was sooo boring cos it was long
and i swear neurosurgeons look like carpenters cracking skulls and drilling craniotomies
but overall,
the pple were nice. and the anaesthetist was greattt.
he gave me his surg coat cos he saw me freezing. (:
and he played the song on his ipod that i liked! (:
and theeeen he asked me qns and commended on my effort (:
and it feels good not to be thought of as some random, stupid monash med student who didnt learn enough anatomy to be here.
yessss. im sick of that.

but its all awesome nw.
I LOVE THEM! mr rogers, mr beale, and mr tim! (:(:(:

ahhh. now im gonna reside back to the slack lifestyle. tvvvvvvvvv.(: and maccas maybe!

stop and stare.

bloggin in cabrini- thats gotta show my enthusiasm.

starting my cheap, healthy lifestyle today.
- 2 croissants with salmon. (YUMMY and toasted)
- wang wang biscuits. (ok thats not healthy. but its cheap)
andd TEA instead of coffee.
its not so much the caffeine, but the antioxidants i get.
hahs.

glad im getting healthier. *rolls eyes*

oooooh i better check flights to go home.
i dont mean to soudn obsessive and annoying- but...
I MISS HOME. I MISS KEITHBOY.
i miss jewel. belly scully tiffie and all those ppl.
i miss SD club exclusives.
i miss family. i miss victoria. i havent even met her. damnit.

i think i jst need to get away.
im bored. sick of cabrini and sitting ard waitin for the day to end so i can leave and resign to my little rendezvous in my bed.
with a casual friendly cigg and a glass of red red wine.

ahhhhhhhhhh.

im bored.
i better go and get a cuppa.
im bored.
and i cant tink of anything else to rant.
(:

goodbye werld.
i miss youuuuuuuuu love.
CALL ME SOON. i love you bb.