sorry

green for the greeeeeeeeeeen-ness of my weekend.
shit fucked.

been drinkin heaps like... ALCOHOL POISONING HEAPS.
everynight for 3 nights in a row.
havent been home for ages. been living at michelles place.
somehow somewhere i wish i was in the snuggles of my own bed so i wouldnt notice the looks.

THAT look when youre closest frens go "its okkk hun. reallly. im sry it happened to u"
and that look when youve sobered up and all you can do is scream in your lil tiny mind
WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.
the same what the fuck when the engagement ended.
even worse if i may perceive so
the same what the fuck when the whole Y2K (karaoke place that ive been hanging out at everynight) saw and heard u puke my guts out... in the walkway, the toilets and cabs.
a greater what the fuck when the little INNOCENT mei mei you thought you had stabbed a knife, not in your back infact, but right in the centre of your chest and you cant even look at her anymore.
the same same same what the fuck when all you see is your pain walking by you every day and night.
the smaller what the fuck when youve resorted to cursing in canto at the things you hate about ppl.
and a bigger what the fuck when the only you turn to is in spore and cant have em here beside u to tell u "you'll get over it somehow".
the kickass what the fuck when you turn to look at what youve become in the morning, that even the sunlight wont spare you some grace of dignity.
the same what the fuck when the prettiest part of you, your smile, becomes the same smile that killed you, in 20 seconds.
a deeper what the fuck when you realise, youre no more that young sweet girl that everyone goes "ho leng ah!" and youve became this horrendous slut of the century.
or so i feel so.
and the same what the fuck when no matter whatever you do, you could never, NEVER take back your words, your actions and your deadly smile.

when i wake up, i dont see day or sunlight, i see sadness and REGRET.
the greatest character of my very being cldnt exomerate me of the shame and
all i can think about now is....
what if.

and if what if isnt good enough to distract me from what SHLDNT BE if.
and if then becomes a when.

you can cry, sure, but no one will hear you.
for a life so forelived in such a disgusting way, that even God wouldnt hear you when you cry.
for a life so insignificant that even ranting became a whisper.
for the bigger things in life youve foresaken for a smaller today.
and a bad bad baddddddddd tomorrow.

im so sorry. to myself. to everyone.
and if ever i could dream a different life right now,
i would never everrrrrr wake up