3rd time UNlucky

okok u prolly think im a retard to have blogged 3 times today alr. S:
but PLS let me rant all i can now.
i have smth thats killing meeeeeeeeee.

(ps. dont mind the explicit language. any offence made is unintended)

KA NI NA! BCCB.
F*CK *^#&^$%A#)(_!(&#%*^%
seriouslyyyyyyyyyyy lah. ERGHS.
-looks ard fer a punching bag/person-
ERGHHHHHHH.

nw that chris has departed,
i feel that HIS DAMN FAMILY N FRENS shld sriously stop tryin to be smart and find a scapegoat to blame his absence on.
SERIOUSLY-
im getting funny friendster msgs frm ppl who TOOK HIS PASSWORD,
ACCUSEEEEEE MY COUSIN AND I (who did NOTHING UNJUST TO HIM),
CLOSE DW chris' blog + friendster account,
and before that, USE CHRIS' account to diss me.

i quote: after all you and your cousin caused, i dont see why you should be one of chris' friends.
let me tell you mister,
that NO ONE caused it.
no one was celebrating or having a guilty conscience.
the only one who shld be shamed and resented is YOU.
you piece of shiteeeee.

where were you when chris was whining abt his life to everyone?
YOU disappeared fer 10 fucking years
and when you REALISED chris left,
you nicely saunter into his life (of whats left)
and claim your right over him.
you judge danielle my cuz,
you judge ME. you judge the BINNYS.
you tink that by having ctrl over his accounts, you can use his name and diss ppl clean of his death.
YOU LOWDOWN DIRTY PIECE OF FAECES.
ive nevr seen someone so shameless to resort to taking your anger out on ME.
someone who was THERE on his 21st,
who talked HEART-TO-HEART with him n lionel in JB.
who bought him ciggs when i came back frm aust.
who met up with him at far east almost 3 times in 2 weeks to console him abt his shit lovelife.
I WAS THE DAMN ONE who watched him waste away with time
like it was crumpling me world.
I WAS THE ONE who scolded my OWN BLOOD, my cousin,
for not dealing with chris the right way.
but THAT doesnt mean you can trample all over our name
and claim chris as your bestfriend.

in fact, you DIDNT EVEN GET A LEAVIN NOTE FROM CHRIS.
but me n lionel did.
and chris told me that we were the only ones who got it.
im nt supposed to be publishing the fact that we did get one,
but YOU're OUTRAGEOUSLY UNREASONABLE LAH!
count urself lucky that i wouldnt find a whole gang to beat you up the way you tried to towards danielle.
i hate how ure dealing with this situation
but no one brought it onto chris. he did.
FREEWILL YOU PIG.

so stop harrassing me on friendster.
DONT YOU DARE claim ur right over him.
he's gone. and if he was ard to see the way you treat danielle.
you'll be the one lying 6 feet under.

so mind you, as gullible or easy-to-bully (as they say) as i am,
im nt DUMB enough to let you push every blame on me.
and still can tell me i miss chris.
you downright unjust, incomprehensible, lowlife, lousy solitary existance!
ERGHHHHHHHH YOU JUST RUINED MY PERFECT DAY .
are you happy now? you ERGHHHH.

-stares, tears, wipes the regretted tear n WALKS AWAY-
damn my conscience.

3rd party

你的话我晓得　无论你说得多么温和　
某一些难解的隔阂 把爱伤害了那多不值得　
没什么好怪的
我已经乏力继续拉扯　没有谁非爱谁不可
就算变心了也非罪不可赦　

她只是最最无辜的第三者
就算她消失此刻　告诉我能得回什么呢
责怪她又凭什么呢　
她只是无意闯入的第三者
我们之间的困难　在她出现之前就有了
虽然我愤怒但是我明白的　
把过错让她去背著　那是不对的

Hey 女孩你听著　所有爱情都有竞争者
我不妒忌你们快乐　
虽然我人生因此有曲折
他还是不错的　我们的选择不是巧合
你用青春大胆假设　
我去将失去活成一种获得

她只是最最无辜的第三者　就算她消失此刻
告诉我能得回什么呢　
责怪她又凭什么呢
她只是无意闯入的第三者　
我们之间的困难　在他出现就有了
虽然我愤怒但是我明白的　
把过错让她去背著　那是不对的

Hey 女孩你听著　所有爱情都有竞争者
我不妒忌你们快乐　虽然我人生因此有曲折
---------------------------
this isnt smth i wish id blog abt some day. (let alone today)
but i felt you shld knw.
you really will hurt her to the max. pls dont do that

see this video. by the same singer.
i feel so... familar with this song.http://youtube.com/watch?v=bu1gJZ2Esuk&mode=related&search=
and http://youtube.com/watch?v=rLD-UkDiaIg&mode=related&search==

omg a bad mistake! S:

I KNEW I SHOULDNT HAVE READ IT!!!

tsk tsk.

im seriously reconsidering all that ive said.
not cos' im self-deluded or in denial.
but i nv knewwwwwwwwwwwww jst how much you loved (or love) her.
and im sorry.
i have NO intention of being in the middle.

oh god.
what a terrible thing ive done.
uve loved with all ur heart. finally moved on from me.
i have no place to take it away.
sorry im not that heartless.

pls love the one who loves you ever so deeply
and dont put me on a pedestal jst cos' of my past.
i can handle it alone.
plsssssss dont mk me the di san ze

lionel- skip this entry pls. haha

the moment i heard she's ur conscience (not <3>
i immediately felt the need to tell you abt that.
i meannn.
it was smth not everyone can accept.
some even reduce me to sucha low existance, i tink god wldve forbid.

and STILL.
i wished you had changed ur mind abt bloggin abt choosing otherwise (nOT ur conscience). buttttt personal blog is still a freewill tingo right?
andd after allllllll the damn imperfections/mistakes/shames/downright disgust (which you shouldve resented)
i dont understand why you choose not to resent.

i mean... aiya. words cant explain this feeling.
like a... i feel damn bad. or a will you ever NOT want me.
or even a you shd be happy with her. or at least someone like her.

one word im feeling now- unworthy.
sucha simple yet unforgiving word.
i tink i'll never leave this trance again.

im gonna stay at my mummy's hse today.
wish i had the heart to tell her i dont wanna be on a starcruise on vday.
tho this year is jst like every year's- boring and utterly disgusting,
i wish to be at home AT LEAST. no need some fancy restaurant or fireworks to mk me feel loved, or to love.

talked to meg on msn yday-
thanks for the cheering up babe. (:
i really needed that familarity that i thot we'd have lost by now.
ilu*

thats what happens when distance takes over.

anyhooow,
i realise that since my whole life is practically alr planned out,
i might as well follow it and stop being a real bitch abt it.
seriously, as much as i resent my 19 years so far,
ive had a good one (compared to many others).
and the least i cld do for the ppl ard me is listen to them.
eg. Nana, Chris my dear, my parents, my mummy, even meg supports the idea that i shld be with him.
and belly (im sure she thinks he's the only one good for me)
and lots other ppl.

and ive had my fair share of shit guys.
or nice guys with shit ways of treating a girl. TSKTSK.
or even normal guys with no idea what 'faithful' means.
u see, im ashamed of my past- and i wanna rectify it.
but to do that, i need a proper person.
who loves unconditionally (as tho im not imperfect as i am now)
and reallyyyyy needs me.
WHO THE HELL DOES THAT???
ok. mayb thats kua zhang im sure God does.

but unknowingly,
ive loved a person for sooo long. and every year that we meet,
im afraid to leave sg.
i dont like melb when i think of you.but i like the idea that being so far, i see you less. and think of you less. everyday.
but then you're always there.
and how do i tell everyone else tht i need him?

i shy away when we get too close.
and i talk to you like we're best buds.
i insist on paying cos' i dont want you to feel like its a must.
and i wish we celebrated christmas everyday. (:

too bad you got no idea what im tinking cos' you dont knw this blog.
but i'll still write in it.
cos' i knw you'll read my mind either way.
lenoil- ilu*.

the final say.

death did not claim you.
you claimed it.
you singlehandedly claimed it.

you were selfish to think so lowly of other's love for you.
and too selfless to think so lowly of yourself.
i loved, LOVE still, and always love you.
you bleed innocence, though complex as your plan may seem.
you called me 'bestfriend' yet you left me behind.
i listened to your every word yet you didnt listen to mine.
you promised to live and continue to love again yet you forgot to keep.
i watched you grow and fall and get back up again yet you took the time to plan your fall.
you know how vulnerable i am yet you do things to disappoint and regret.

i love you still.
though the rough times finally got to you
and the thought of peace overwhelmed you.
but in death you reconciled no one.
and you got the whole werld crying.
just let me hate you this once for making me hopeless
and rendering me helpless.

your family, you loved, ever so much is collapsing right before you
as you lay so peacefully,
as you claimed.
i will rembr you. every second of every day.
i will do as you wish- for me to love the person who loves me (we'll not call names)
and for our first son (if we get a son) to be called Chris (not christopher) yes i know.
for us to rembr you each time we go into JB
and when i smoke(out of guilt), to rembr your badhabit (:
yes yes. we will rembr you.
crystal clear.

i will love him. like i always have.
and i promised to be nice and treat him right.
but the decision is not mine for the taking.
but im trying, my dear.
i heard every word you said and i will rembr.

repent before the lord, darling.
and you will be redeemed.
hell is never welcoming. heaven jst seems so far away
but its the only place we want you to go ok?

and if ever the things you wish fer me doesnt come true cos he's decided otherwise,
im sorry. (freewill, right?)
jst like you.
jst like you, my dear.

i kneel before Mother Mary and offer up my sufferings, or heartprobs, even my FACE, my body (aka BIG figure), my tears, and even my sins.
she will intercede my dear.
and when you get there,
dont forget to clean up a spot for this bimbo of yours to be there in decades to come.
i will arrive- like a ditsy yet humble lil girl.
till then, pls mk sure you rembr me-
this bimbo (i will stay the same for u, promise)
coward (im not that brave, my dear)
sa jiao queen (i still rembr my nickname. tsk)
big-eyed innocent girl (it always got to you. haiii)

i miss you. and i'll help lionel say a few things too.
cos' we BOTH miss you and love you.
and with every bit of our minds and hearts,
we will mourn you.

hate the sin, not the sinner.

thank you for teaching me to love so selflessly.

random

//lionel n i. i knw its damn late. but HAPPY 23rd Bday, grandpa! (: jk lah. its been almost a month!! (:
//collage of my old pics. i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeee. (:

a silent scream to L. ):

i'll keep this to a teenie weenie font.
so one day i'll regret fallin back into this emo trap within myself
and hope for a resolution.

hw do u bring yourself to wait for someone who wont wait for you?
and lest knw you've already waited too long.
it amuses me how loveless i can get-
to not be able to comprehend what youre going thru
cos' that her is supposed to be -
and how selfish ive become
since ive known you-
i nv spared a thought for you.
i let you wait time and time again.
and we both end up right beside each other,
but we're all alone.

i'd sleep on your shoulder
and watch you watching me.
with you- waiting on someone else.
and me- waiting on you to wait on someone else.
thats how we always are.
and i mourn how much youve left me with.
a couple of broken pieces- that i broke and you fixed.
and yet i threw it to break it again.

if i knew what to say to you today,
i'd say i'll come if you want me to.
but nooooooooo.
i jst say i cant stay.
RACHEL YOU IDIOT. *slaps self*
i knw im NOT supposed to stay anyway.
(no use for self-redemption)
why shld i?
when its you who chose not to speak.

another day... at home ):

every other day is lazing ard at home,
waiting for 4 babies to come hm frm their schs.
and entertaining laura (the youngest baby) at the same time.
THATS MY DAILY LIFE now.

well, cant complain cos' im more family-orientated as it is.
anddddddd im going back to melb.... in less than a month!
wooooohooooooooooo.
you will NEVER see someone as enthu as me abt starting uni again.
2nd yr- the supposedly more knowledgeable or hardworking year.
HAHAH WATCH ME.
i will kick arse at being the one who enters lecture last and leaves first.
teehee. gosh*
what happened to the new year resolution rach?

and to progress on the New Rach theory ive been upkeeping,
kudos! to staying home and making merry.
haha. tmr im gonna clean my mummy's hse at holland.
and saturday- SHE'LL BE BACK! wheeee (:

oh yes, and if anyone is dying just looking at their pharmacology marks
(alike myself)
go get this book Basic Concepts in Pharmacology.
uberrrrrrrrrrr easy to understand. tho its a lil too simple.
and knowing med ppl- they cannot understand simple thingys.
UHHHHHHH. u dumbos. jst get it. (unless u have Pharmacology at a Glance)

haiiiiiiiya.
books again. i better get to actually reading them.
esp my anatomy. aiyo. CMI, that one.
thankgod im nt a fullbreed singaporean.
i'll be such a letdown with my grades!! =p

but then again, if u come to melb
and see my grp of friends (mostly locals + local-curries)
YOU'LL HAVE THE BEST TIME LAUGHING when we compare how shit our grades are.
even if we fail or get borderline,
we'll be comparing who failed worse and making bets. (:

and a bigggggggggg thanks to Dilini my babeeeee!
fer calling me yday for 4 hours frm sydney.
i miss you and had the BEST wakeup call yet.
thanksssssssss and i loveeeeeeeeeeeyou loadsa.
cant wait to see you. lets do our chaddy spree again ok? (:
heh. babe fer life.

fun with Rach & Jayne.

//us. (yes i knw she bleeds GorGeouS)
had a fun night. met jayne- my pri sch junior (of only 1 yr)
and also my church fren-
and my sec sch junior for ONE year (she left fer perth)
and still- a friend, though almost misunderstood,
yet dear to me.

we had Rockys pizza for dinner
and headed to al azhar for abt 6 hrs of teh peng + a light catching up with old habits.
dont you knw- old habits die hard. (:

anyhow,
tiff!!! we were so close to misunderstanding her.
she didnt see u that time when u tried to wave to her or smth
and she says shes uber sorry!!!!!!!

anyway,
we had loadsa fun just TALKING.
nt the IJ way- pure bitching.
nor the churchpple way- pure freaky.
but our way.
we talked up a storm abt IJ and hw its been.
we talked abt K. a girl who meant (and still does) the werlddddd.
reminiscing abt our young, sportbra (inside joke), churchy, ij-y days.

and hw ppl used to tink she was related to me by blood.
(tho now we look quite different)
but who's to say anyway.
im jst glad we caught up. and in fact- will soon again.
and the NEXT TIME, hopefully its when im in perth (:

yet again.

ayes.
becky has gotten yet another maltese.

first up- i knw i promised to stay the new rach- happy always.
soooo im nt gonna fall back into my emoness.

BUT A DOG?!??!?!? AGAIN??!?!?
wahhhhhhh *meditates*
-breathes innnnnnnn and outtttt-
darn. i jst really wanted one. like REALLYYY saved up for one in melb.
aye.

another day ruined.
but knwing my skills- SMILEEEEEEEE Rach (:

nths too great that can bring rach down...
right? (:

De New Rach.

yes you heard me- NEW NEW NEW! (:

i had soo many bad dreams last night.
and knwing me- its always repetitive.
and of ppl i detest the most.
(yes j ure one of them)

i woke up in the middle of the night countless times.
and i realise- i sleep badly cos' i hv so many things on my mind.
things that are insignificant or wasted.
worries that do absolutely nth for me!
anyhowwwwwww,
you knw how i've been having random emo posts of mistakes/love lost/cheating/anger/disappointment/crying ETC.
well, it gets old- (so do i. haha)
and i figured, ive honestly had a hard, yet rewarding 19 yrs so far,
theres really nth to be sad abt.

when it comes to love,
okayyy, mayb i do have a shit life.
considering i got cheated like.... 8479547 times per partner. hahah.
but you knw,
God's been very fair.

most things i asked for, i got-
like Medicine.
like a beetle car (tho its got soo many dents. haha)
like meg or sarah jie or belly coming to melb.
like a pass for my osce + written exam
like my friends or even those who've died- im sure theyre happy now.

and tho i DIDNT get a good lovelife- one worth sharing w u,
but i have got an awesome daddy (who tinks he's james bond and nv fails to cheer me up when im in the pits)
and a perfect mommy (who flies to sg frm florida jst to see her youngest daughter! (: )
and a whole pack of baby sisters (who put "rachel jie" as the person they love in their english textbook)
and friends- countless yet sincere. bleeding from within with utmost love and concern. (who nv fail to cheer me up when i get really annoyed w certain med ppl.)

and of cos- my angel - megg. my bestie. my everything. my gu niang!!! (:
(no im nt les)
and tiff - my perth fren. haha. childhood buds fer life, girlfren! with belly n scully too. ilu*
and all those ive known and loved along the way- marilyn, lionel, IJians (both pri n sec), TAYLORS! (michelle n kris), n monash (allister ALEX ken rasha mark dil tim) and of cos- dmitri. (:

sigh.
see! told you right! God's fair. i got lovelyyyyyy friends but shit boyfriends.
aiya. nvm la.
at least now (i hope) my luck is changing for the better.
hopefully i'll be contented. anyhoww,
OFFICIALLY NO MORE EMO POSTS! (:
im the NEW rach! with only studying and friends/family on my mind.
nooooo worries or unnecessary missin' of PEOPLE *coughcough*

haha
EMONESS GONE! (:

laserrrrr

laser.

it isnt that bad. but its USELESS.
an utterly useless piece of f*ck.

pls let me rant today.

i wish i could have a total face-lift or smth.
smth permanent and fool-proof.
smth done once, irregardless of its cost,
that can overcome all form of facial flaws.

i am seriously flawed.
to the extent that going out is nOT an option for me.
and no, im nt gonna meet u anymore. TSK.

): im sad. and dim pls call me.

camera!

THIS IS IT.
im nt gonna rest until i get my CANON CYBERSHOT T10
and a maltese dog.

i didnt get anything (frm my parents) for my bday
so Im gonna be spoilt and ask for everything!
I DONT F*CKING CARE.
gimme a cam and a dog!

HMPFSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

some pics for keeps!

//click to enlarge!! its a collage of our beach photos! (:
//this is the bag gerard got me. nice right?? (: my love.
//eli kate with josh's sunnys. ayeeeee.
//this is the gift i bought myself! (: isnt it soooo me??
//150107- at some reallly gd 6th avenue dessert thingy.
//johannes and i. thanks for the night!
on 160107, josh gor brought me to Sentosa! (:
i knw i knw, im like a tourist. but it was shittttttttt fun lah! you all shld go now.haha.
awesomeeeee day out.
with go-karts (luge) and skyrides.
and beaching in Siloso.
showering in shitcold water.
eating lotsaaaaaaa at the Blue bukit timah market.
we ate... Stingray, si ham w tao gei, satay! sugarcaneee!, chee kway.

nice niceeeeee food with josh n gerk. (:
thanks gerk for the present. iloveeeeeeit (:(:(:

happy birthday yours truly.

//this one of us was cuteeeee. scully is a troll, im ... the usual- retarded. belly is a perv. HAHAHHA
//lay me down in a bed of roses. - frm my bestie MEAGHAN SEE.
//cutting the cheesecake time!(im plump i knw lah) //they say the birthday girl is always retarding.

//i model for Omega watches. duncha knw?
//scully me n bellyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. my loves.
//laura was the first and only one to give me a birthday kiss.
im having a pretty shite time at home now.
went out fer lunch with scully and belly at Essential Brews in Holland Village.
it was a nice nice lunch. (very ex tho.)
i have to say THANKKKKKKKKKYEW my two childhood buds! (: 15 years and still counting! and also SORRRRRY
i feel bad for having such a glorious lunch for such an insignificant age.

19- not here not there.
insignificant and irritating age. urgghhh.

and i wanna thank meggg my bestie for the nicest gift possible-
my fav flower type + color. (: (: (:
it could only be you- to knw me thru and thru.
ilu* and pls tk cr in switz. you'll mk it thru ok?

im generally insecure abt the things i cannot control. the rest-
well,
im pretty happy how 19yrs have treated me.
i've got a million sisters running abt, tho a few aimlessly.
but ive been good.
i sat at dinner ALONE on my fucking bday,
humming to myself my bday song,
thinking abt the years so far
and how my life has changed.
i realised- im exactly the same as i was 19 yrs ago.
same look (thank god, i was cute ok)
same style
same tone
same attitude (hardwork cures failure etc etc)
same smile
same loves/hates.

and you think i'll get happy how i never changed a bit.
but i tear to myself-
what a pathetically plain existance.

aging process.

I WANT A SONY CYBERSHOT DSC T 50 ot T 10 at least!!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

my bday is on monday. yes another year OLDER.
and looks oso getting OLDER.
i knw i knw,
aging is natural. what a pain.

nth much to blog abt. im nt hving any bbq or anything else anymore.
im sick (literally) and sick of planning things for OTHERS to enjoy.
ughhh.
and im feeling alone.
bored.
i tink im gonna shop for a camera on my bday
to reward myself for not hoping to die with the aging process. (:

yday was nana bday.
i loveee you nanA! (:

and i dont think i rembr anything significant this week.
oh yes, went out with Lionel on friday.
errrrm. great. so thats it.
and i want to make a specialllllll shoutout to Tiffffff:

BABEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
ilu* and more importantly, I MISSSSS YOU!
want anything frm sg for vday?? you're my girlfren rembr. hahahha.
i cant wait to see you.
and im most prolly not going back to sg in june,
sooooo you can come melb or i can go perth! teehee.
(: iloveeeeeeeeeeyou babyyyyyyy girlfren! (:

i cant cant cant wait to see you allllllllllllll-
from tiff in perth, to allister, alex, ken, dil, tim, MARK, vik and dim in melb, to linn steff in uk to meaghan bestie in switz!
gosh* -slaps forehead-
i'll have to travel ard the werld to please everyone. sighhhhhhhhhh.
i miss everyone named and some not named cos' you're in damn sg.
hahhaa.

i miss melb so much.
cos sg's weather's a bitch.
and i hate this life.
with all the gfs gone and a messed up heart.
i wanna fadeeeeeee away.

bestie is gone ):

I DONT FEEL LIKE EATING, DRINKING, SLEEPING, WAKING, WALKING, TALKING, LOVING, HATING.
anything anymore.

meaghan my bestie left for switzerland yday.
I MISS HER AND I WANT HER BACK.
i hvnt evn told her some french words i learnt.
i hvnt bimboed to her for ages!
i hvnt done a manicure with her in ages.
i hvnt everything!
i want her back.

je tame, madame. i love you megggggg. alwayssssssssssssssssss.
i'll be right here waiting for you to come back-
still the same. still the bestie i loveeeee.

and yday aft she left, with everyone crying like *toot*,
we ate supper at Boon Tong Kee at RiverValley.
it was a nice, somewhat quiet time for evreyone.
oh lionel went too! (:

meg, you take care and i hope you have a gorge0us time there.
dont forget me with all your french buds
cos' im the one that loves you lately and misses you with every bit of myself.

i didnt cry in front of meg
cos' i knew she would have wanted me not to,
so she can leave with a smile instead.
but the instant i stepped into the lift at my hse,
GOD i was pouring rain man.
i bet the weather man wouldve thought i was a tsunami.

天黑黑 (孫燕姿)

我的小時候吵鬧任性的時候
我的外婆總會唱歌哄我
夏天的午後老老的歌安慰我
那首歌好像這樣唱的

天黑黑﹐欲落雨﹐天黑黑﹐黑黑。。。

離開小時候有了自己的生活
新鮮的歌新鮮的念頭
任性和衝動無法控制的時候
我忘記還有這樣的歌

天黑黑﹐欲落雨﹐天黑黑﹐黑黑。。。

我愛上讓我奮不顧身的一個人
我以為這就是我所追求的世界
然而橫沖直撞被誤解被騙
是否成人的世界背後總有殘缺

我走在每天必須面對的分岔路
我懷念過去單純美好的小幸福
愛總是讓人哭讓人覺得不滿足
天空很大卻看不清楚好孤獨

天黑的時候我又想起那首歌
突然期待下起安靜的雨
原來外婆的道理早就唱給我聽
下起雨也要勇敢前進

我相信一切都會平息 我現在好想回家去

and for the benefit of those who cant understand mandarin for shit.
here goes.

When I was small, when I was stubborn
My grandmother would always sing to me
On summer afternoons,
grandma's song would comfort me
That song would go something like this

The sky is dark, it's going to rain, the sky is dark, dark...

Grown up now, had my own life
Fresh songs, fresh ideas
When it's impossible to control my wilfulness and impulsiveness
I forget I still have this song

The sky is dark, it's going to rain, the sky is dark, dark...

I fell in love with someone I could risk my life for
I believed this was the world I pursued
However, I fumbled, was misunderstood, was cheated
Is the adult world really so terrible?
I walk everyday, faced with the road ahead
I miss my past's innocent blissful little happiness
Love always lets people cry, makes people unsatisfied
The sky is very big but can't see clearly - how lonely

When the sky is dark, I remember that song
And expect to see the peaceful rain
In grandma's truth sung to me back then
That even if it rains, we must bravely continue
I believe everything can calm down
I now wish to go home
===============
this song is now stuck in my head
and the parts in bold are the ones that repeat itself
over. and over. and over again.

lionel didnt wanna tell me whats bothering him.
and i felt so bad that i cant be his confidante.
and he told me that Yue Ding (the promise) song sums it up.
so today i took the initiative to google it and watch its mtv.

*speechless*
who's she to have had you waiting for that long.

can a 'thanks' give me you?

alriteeey.
after all the emo-ness and self-indulged pity,
i find serenity in some ppl who reallyyyy cheered me up.

a. Lionel.
-who else. you knw i always laugh with you, cry with you,
act retarded with you.
and no matter how much you deny it,
we're the Capricornies! (: ilu*
thanks for being my sweetheart.

b. BELLYYYY.
-yes. bet u dint tink ure name would be here.
oh well. (: thanks for alwayss being there countless times for me.
esp when it comes to Breakfast.
youre never hard to find. thanks for always telling me you'll be there.
(: ilu* and i hope we'll have our own lil bday celebrations (:(:(:

c. Dim.
-well, to unlimited extent.
for calling me. and plannin things to say to me so i might feel better.
thanks for the effort.
for listening without judging. and accepting how i prioritise my lovelife.
i knw we're gg thru a rough patch and mayb it will always remain one,
but i cant change what i dont feel.
and i hope we'll both find ourselves one day.

i try time and time again to reason with you.
and i always end up giving in to what YOU want.
and alike every situation, the problem is yet unsolved.
i love you for you.
and i want a whole life with you.
but you've alr wasted half of that life i had jst wasting away, waiting on you.
and yday, we exchanged msgs like we're ignorant of the fact that
no, nth's alright. and nth's really working out.

r: .*blahblah* you're still the one.... *blahblah*
b: thanks babe.

thanks babe? thanks babeeeee?
can a thanks babe give me you?
seriously.
can it??

sum it up with 2 thoughts.

thought no. 1: who-else-but-my-stepmom.

i slept at 4 am and had to wake up at about...8plus
cos she couldnt keep her voice down.
she yelled at elicia kate and gave her a tight slap
and jst cos' she wanted apple juice rudely.
ok manners is one thing to impart onto a kid,
but WE (normal ppl) use words and tone to teach a child of THREE YEARS old,
not violence and relentlessness.
thankyou very much ad.
and then she scolds the maids. BOTH OF THEM every fucking morning.
she doesnt jst tell, she YELLS
till the coolair filled room with doors slammed shut can still hear every word without much hassle.
first of all, have some cow sense that ppl dont wanna be woken up so early.
and that scolding and wanting to hit a maid is alr abuse.
(you wouldnt want your taitai image to be ruined, wld u?)
and you scold them cos' of MINOR creases in the tops they ironed.
HELLLLLLLLO?? even i was so frustrated i woke up jst to prove to her that the tops are fine.
then she uses MY name and says that my tops are spoilt by them too.
EH BTW woman, i like my clothes and they are flawlessly ironed.
!#$%^&*)(@
pls dont put words in my mouth.
esp to ppl i respect, like my 2 aunty-maids who have stayed with you almost 3 fucking years to put up with YOUR SHIT.
the worst part is,
she alwayssss puts a choice to them and forces them to choose an option
and whatever they choose, its wrong.
sometimes i wish i could be like her- ruthless and a total hoe.
but then... nahh. i dont think anyone is capable of being at her level.
so... yah. badluck.

thought no. 2: always, you.

met josh gerard elmo yday at kim san leng.
ohhh mannnn. we stayed from 7pm till morning!
and before that josh came over my place for a treat of living with 5 babies.
(:
we chatted alot. and i was quiet for quite a no. of times.
cos' i was looking straight in my direction the whole time.
to be exact- Bangkit Road.
yes. (i knw what youre tinking. DONT tink)
and i felt like conveniently taking a walk by myself.
but what wld gerard and all say. or think.
let alone myself. what the hell am i supposed to think?

i cannot tell you how much i did before,
or tried to be.
how eager i was before,
or had to be.
i cannot explain how down i was put before,
or chose to be.
how rebellious i was before,
or seemed to be.

what you had, (and wanted me to have) - i had.
what you like, (and wanted me to like)- i liked. and with all my heart.
who or what you hate, i hated. even with regret.
why you did some things, i accepted with silence.
and everything, EVERYTHING, you put before me, i let you.
and i didnt complain.
and i wont.
but josh gor is right- you probably missed me and then you msged me.
speechless-.
but other 364 days of the year,
you were never there. you never cared. you probably didnt want me.
and you never will.
when you were kicked out of home at 18, I sneaked out to meet you at 4.45am.
i still rembr.
when you were dumbed by a girl who clubs excessively and cheated on you, (WHILE we were fuckin dating) i was the one who accompanied you.
that was the saddest day for me, that i still rembr.
when you cheat, you laugh, you tear(you insist not crying), you fight, you shout, you stare, you ride (the bike laa. what you thinking), you play, you fall sick-
all that i sit and watch and jst like tht, become easily contented.

okok i realise my emo-ness has jst showed you ppl
jst how weak i am.
oh darn.

DIMMMM CALL ME!

the best dream of my life!

okok i know its uber early.
but i couldnt go back to sleep anymore!
also cos' i wanted to rembr my dream forever!!
and im afraid that if i sleep,
i'll forget what its all abt.
but then again... dreams like these dont come by everyday.

for once! its not a damn nightmare.
and though i knw dreams are dreams, they dont come true,
i really wish i cld keep sleeping.

it took place in cashew heights.
yes. just imagine the familarity.

you knw, in dreams, you seldom rembr or recognise a place no matter how clse you are to it. anywayyyyyyy...

i woke up beside 2 pple, in my daddys room.
1. agnes. 2. breakfast b.
(agnes is his sister btw)
it was sooo weird. i was undercovers n they werent. (dont ask why. im clueless)
and then i walked out and saw Breakfast's wholeeeeeee family and mine too!
and i was like.... wtf???

he was such a darlin i tell you
(which is rare, cos' he never, NEVER holds my hand)
he held me and we ate breakkie with everyoneeee.

it was kinda freaky.
there were random ppl walking ard. in different adn random directions.
like ghosts. S:

still!
and i met an old lady who kept kissing me and patting me on the head.
i thought for a bit,
and i realise, its prolly his granny that i havent met.
and i dont really knw why,
but i knew everyone there whilst still in the dream.
then when i awoke, *poof* memory gone.

so basically the dream went on.
and on...

it was weird.
i met DIM there too. but it was like a differnt dimension.
VERY graphic.
as if he was in a dream in my dream. (get it??)
and he was so happy. like he was there for someone else.
so i kept checking my reflection to see if i was really Rachel.

and i was,
with a different look.
i was slight plump on my belly.
had a lil pimple spot on my chin.
i had a chubby double chin,
and i looked down-
i had a oversized tummy: im pregnant.

you'd tink i'll freak out. but no.
i pinched myself to make sure it was a dream
and btw, it f*cking hurts la!
dont knw how that worked!

i looked ard and realised,
everyone was in the house to help me get ard.
it was funny.
even when i was with a kid,
we still got kinky in a cute way-
he would wink. i would shy away
then he'd grab my hand. i'd hold it tighter.

it was weird. the dream took up my sleep.
i woke up feeling sad i got hurt pinching myself in my dream
and i tink i slept walk. cos i got a red mark on my arm!!!
and now,
i miss every part of my history.
EVERYPART.
frm the 'shall we date?' to the 'i like your sister' to the 'i love you k'
to the last straw.
to the 'im sorry' to the 'lets try it again' to the 'still'.
still, you say?

yes. and the song 'still' plays itself in my mind.
and i cant help but imagine you being the only one i knew existed at one point in time.
the only one i woke up for, slept for, studied for, prayed for, cried for, fought for.
you're still the one.

last day with STEF- our SD club manager! (:

//Sakae sushi (i realise we alwaysssssss meet at wheelock so this is the bomb!) look how long the darn train runs.
//ME AND STEFFFFFFIE DEAR. nice purple eyes, eh??
//attack of the SD heads!
//candid!!! this is the last image i have of stefff before she goes...goes... gone.
Stef my dearrrrrie,
my SD Club manager,
my nails/shoppin/casual-faggin,
my always-think-shes-big,
always-branded,
always-making-time-for-me-even-the-day-before-she-leaves,
GIRLFRIEND!!
(:

tmr shes leaving for UK. that makes half the SD Club,
well... clubless. ):
linn is gone. stef is too.
cand is alwayssssss bz,
and xinyie. well... WE HAVENT EVEN MET YET.
i have yet to meet sher too. hahah.
yes.

and i reserved today specially for stef.
she did her nails. i waited =D
we shopped a bit.
our true selves were revealed- frm being cheap, to kiasu, to picky, to everything!!!
and we still laugh.
only thing is.. the joke was on us. ahhh wat the heck. (:

to stef:::
i love you babeeeeee.
sorry you had to leave so earlyyy.
i reallyy loved the times at your place, when we bitched and laughed,
when we smokedddd and read cosmo tog,
when we met up and complained-about-our-fats-that-never-existed.
(: i love youuuuuuuu and we'll meet in SUMMER OK.
promise! (:

i dont get men.

its one thing to like your ex's sister.
but its another to MISTAKE them for each other.

and i shall conclude- i dont get men.

theres a tint of nostalgia in the air that day.
i tink i missed the signs when i walked away.
you shldve known better than to call me her.

brekkie with meg.

//megg darlink. //at Holland Village. wheeeeeeee. SEE WE'RE BESTIES ALRIGHT. same face

//who's that Korean chic??
//i love her

the 3 musketeers

//we we we. //IM SO FAT and we look so family-portrait

childhood buds fer life!

//bel me scully
//i never knew how much i had till i looked harder.
//scully n i. near hazelpark //belly n i at Wang Jiao there
//breakfast anyone?

i didnt mean to use sarcasm as my self-preservation defence.
i just thought you forgot about me.
and when i realise everyone has to move on at some point,
i just thought you'd move towards me.

enough about my usual indulged-in-emos self!
these pics are taken when i met scully n belly- two out of 3 of my CHILDHOOD FRIENDS.
and lemme rectify that by CHILDHOOD- i meannnnnnnn CHILDHOOD.
known them both + tiffany (in perth) for a good ol' 15 years already.
and im only turning 19 soon!!!!
thats how young i was when we all met. and still- we're counting the years ahead.
and sometimes, its one thing to boast the years spent together,
but its another to actually put those words into perspective!

and in feb, belly is coming to melb with me.
(:(:(: and like dim said over the phone "thats a true friend".
you both are more than words to me
and i thank God (literally, since i knew them frm church) for everyday that i have with you guys.
too bad tiff isnt here. ): but we'll all go visit her one day okie? hehe.

------------------Girls---------------
------------are like apples------------
-on trees.The best ones----------
are at the top of the tree.--------
The boys dont want to reach-----
for the good ones because they---
r afraid of falling and getting hurt.--
Instead,they get the rotten apples-
from the ground that arent as good,
but easy.So the apples up top think
something wrong w/ them when in-
reality they're amazing. They just-----
have to wait for the right boy to----
come along, the one who's-----------
-brave enough to-----------
---------climb all----------
--------------the way-------------
---------to the top-----------
----------of the tree---------

this is the only truth ive found about relationships.

mambo got me a-sickin'.

//belly n i . at Grand copthorne toilet!
//i met my IJ frens by accident!!! jieying n bonnie!! (:
//xavier made this rose for me. (: thankyewwww
//in my toilet. //xavier elmooooooooooooooo. at bpp

yes i am SICK to the bone.
i gained alcohol weight
and i have yet to finish megg's stuff.
urghhhh im so fuck sick its not even funny. ):

i need to go down to toapayoh w nana.
and im dead sick- coughing like a bitch, sneezing like a dog(which is prolly a bitch), clearing my throat of semi-viscous phlegm that wont leave me alone,
and reddish eyes of a retard.

at phuture, i met my ultimate eye-candy
who belly does NOT approve of me seeing. ):
he's very niceeeeeeee. he helped (in some way) to find elmo a pair of covered shoes so the bouncers wont bounce him out.
i know you prolly feel that its inappropriate to be so close to someone like dennis- someone who's a waitrer in a club.
where he prolly has a million other girls talking randomly to him.
but he's really a nice guy.
like decent and all for a good fren.
he's honest and simple- not terribly goodlooking but friendly.
YOU KNW the kind girls SHOULD BE dating instead of two-timing red-dicks arses who dont give a shit anymore.

ANYHOWWWWWWWWW
i met jieying, bonnie, dong, kim ---> IJ frens.
a lot of acjc pple frm meg's school.
thomas n carol---> taylors pple.
and lotsaaaaaaaa recognisable-but-forgot-their-name ppl. (:
literally EVERYONEEEEEE was there.
and let me jst say that i omost died squeezing thru singaporeans.
damn them!

on one good note!! Belly is coming on... 21st to melb to stay with muah! (:
heh.
dimmy!!! go and think of things to do.
oh we can redecorate the hse tog too. hehe.

(:
and as the saying goes, eveyr good thing must come to an end-
and for me, megg my bestie is leaving sg on the 12th of jan.
before my bday- what a nice leaving gift ):
i hope she finds a way in life (: ilu* bestie

pics.

//claud n delia. PRIMARY ONE TODAY (: jst like i when i was young.
//claud n i in CHIJ bukit timah- i sent her to school!
//linn & i @ paterson hill- my one n only's gone. //megg n i. bestie is back!! //Dragon's beard. my favourite snack!!

town with linn- home with stef.

//hold up!
//me n linn's tatts.
//stef me linn (ignore my shit smile)
//linn n me at McCafe at lido!
//stef n me at her place (linn was yakking to bos on the phone. heh)
i am a proud elected president of our sd club. (self-elected of cos!)
HAHA.
ayes. to sum it up-
here are the pics as promised

at stef's place!! (:

yes yes
im at stefs place right now with linn n her.

what did me n linn do the whole day in town???
s.m.o.k.e
period

anyhooow
i'll update some pics once i get homeeee.
(:
new year is technically over cos' its 12.50am now on tuesday.
yayyyyy.
at least i can say that a bad day is over for me. (except for the meeting linn part.)

ohhhhhh
i didnt post up my new year resolutions, eh?
well its short and simple-

1. be a good daughter/sister/fren/sd member(haha)/girlfren.
2. be a good doctor-in-the-making.
3. be nerdier- i have yet to conform to the medical-student-misconception
4. smoke less (i did quit but im still a social smoker right)
5. eat less.- dont argue with me. i need this badly.
6. buy less shoes/bags/etc
7. do notes for medicine every dayyy (in melb of cos)
8. save *kaaching for a holiday in another continent!!
9. FAMILY TRUCE
10. drive safelyyyyyy.

and of cos' there are many many more.
but basically- i hope the year gets by quicker
and i get older faster (yes, 2 more weeks till i turn 19!!!!)

i jst wanna grow (not physically)
and lead a stable yet refreshing life
with lil babies (IN THE LATE FUTURE) running ard
and banging into random walls.
- like me. hahah

i wanna l.i.v.e.

new year eve.

//sakae sushi. i never knew the sushi train circulates the whole restaurant!!
//linn stef i
//me n linn. one n onlys fer life babe. //me linn's cuz n linn!

pics of me n linn n stef. (: at Wheelock's Coffee Bean.
spent only THREE hours with them this whole hol (since its alr 2007)
but i still mis them ever the same.

to sum it up-
meeting them was a blastttttttt.
then i headed home for the family countdown.
no offence- but it was trash for me.
i shldve stayed out with the sd exclusives.
i swear i couldnt be sad-er yday night.

but thanks babyyyyyyyyyy dimster (:
for calling me till late to cheer me up
and your sweet sweeeeeeeeet msg-
(dont mind me)
i will laugh uncontrollably
love truly (is that a hint??
forgive quickly
not regret anything that made me smile (:
kiss slowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwly

and everything you said we shld do.
yes, we'll have a gorgeous year tog, okie dokie??

and tho my mood is foul cos' nothings working out for me,
i jst hope everyone else ard is having
a blessed and wonderful new year-
fresh starts. new goals. changed habits.
sooo
HAPPY NEW YEAR pple.
wherever you may be. australia, UK, US, sg (unlucky you)-
enjoy urself. and live well.