the final say.

death did not claim you.
you claimed it.
you singlehandedly claimed it.

you were selfish to think so lowly of other's love for you.
and too selfless to think so lowly of yourself.
i loved, LOVE still, and always love you.
you bleed innocence, though complex as your plan may seem.
you called me 'bestfriend' yet you left me behind.
i listened to your every word yet you didnt listen to mine.
you promised to live and continue to love again yet you forgot to keep.
i watched you grow and fall and get back up again yet you took the time to plan your fall.
you know how vulnerable i am yet you do things to disappoint and regret.

i love you still.
though the rough times finally got to you
and the thought of peace overwhelmed you.
but in death you reconciled no one.
and you got the whole werld crying.
just let me hate you this once for making me hopeless
and rendering me helpless.

your family, you loved, ever so much is collapsing right before you
as you lay so peacefully,
as you claimed.
i will rembr you. every second of every day.
i will do as you wish- for me to love the person who loves me (we'll not call names)
and for our first son (if we get a son) to be called Chris (not christopher) yes i know.
for us to rembr you each time we go into JB
and when i smoke(out of guilt), to rembr your badhabit (:
yes yes. we will rembr you.
crystal clear.

i will love him. like i always have.
and i promised to be nice and treat him right.
but the decision is not mine for the taking.
but im trying, my dear.
i heard every word you said and i will rembr.

repent before the lord, darling.
and you will be redeemed.
hell is never welcoming. heaven jst seems so far away
but its the only place we want you to go ok?

and if ever the things you wish fer me doesnt come true cos he's decided otherwise,
im sorry. (freewill, right?)
jst like you.
jst like you, my dear.

i kneel before Mother Mary and offer up my sufferings, or heartprobs, even my FACE, my body (aka BIG figure), my tears, and even my sins.
she will intercede my dear.
and when you get there,
dont forget to clean up a spot for this bimbo of yours to be there in decades to come.
i will arrive- like a ditsy yet humble lil girl.
till then, pls mk sure you rembr me-
this bimbo (i will stay the same for u, promise)
coward (im not that brave, my dear)
sa jiao queen (i still rembr my nickname. tsk)
big-eyed innocent girl (it always got to you. haiii)

i miss you. and i'll help lionel say a few things too.
cos' we BOTH miss you and love you.
and with every bit of our minds and hearts,
we will mourn you.

hate the sin, not the sinner.

thank you for teaching me to love so selflessly.