a lil bit of heaven today.

i dont think ive ever been so happy ONE day bfore exams.
(:
got a call frm linnnnnnnnie my one n only babe.
andddd its alllll the bloody way frm london.
my love!
soooo worth the NOT-studying bit of today.
(:

hehe.
tho i knw im prolly not gonna finish studying intime,
but im happy w what progress ive made frm the past exam,
where all i do is retard and more retardation.
S:

oooooogay.
just wanna blog abt hw glad i am to have linnnnie
and i hope i see her soooooon
(shes coming home 5 days aft me! teehee)

sooooo....

to linnie:::
babeeeeee i miss uuuuuuuu too.
love everybit of you and hope we'll meet soon.
with all the sleepoversss and eating at newtonnnn and faggin at staircasesssss..... ohhwait. maybe not the faggin (IF im off then)
anyhowwwwwww
i love you lotssss.
and i'll call YOU soon okie?
(: mwahhhhs.

2 more days. just 2 more (:

dim's staring at me. so tis is gonna be a lil weird.
(:

its jst 2 more days till exams are OVER.
OVER you hear me?
(: then im gonna partehhh
but on a utter schedule-killer note,
i losy my $%^&*() atm card!
roar!
could it not get worse?
well... my bill is paid so thats gooooooood. S:

yay.
oooooooooooh yes.
going to the lib now to stardieeeeeeeeeeeeee (: wheee.
(no. its not a deceiving consent)
i hope i finish studying TODAY in time for wedddddd
(:(:(:

digital therapy- bloggin'.

i would hate to think that my excessive bloggin is scaring myself.
):
what can i say- a wee bit o' digital therapy.
yes.

went to church alr.
pple... all saints day is this wed. and all souls' day is this thurs.
day of obligation. dont forget! (: (: (:

i had an actualisation of my life and the ppl ard me today.
(:
its a weird feeling. pardon me.
i realised how different med is frm everyone.
chatting with the priest father Peter,
and other ppl after mass,
made me feel so special. not cos we're smarter or nerdier, or better in any way.
but becos' we never fail to put on a smile
even with exams 3 days away.
go to hargrave andrew lib for a moment,
and you'll hear engineering/ARTS/science/biomed pple freaking out over an exam thts coming.... 2 weeks away...
and then you turn to see the med pple- sitting in their own recesses of the lib,
finding answers to qns ,
reading Saladin or Gray's Anatomy,( haha yesh)
and minding their own business QUIETLY (yes you heard me, all u level 2 noisemakers in hargrave)
but when they see you,
boy, that glowing smile they give, whether they knw your name or not,
and that pleasant ask-how they deliver to you,
ahhh.... and i knw what sets us apart.

its not the brains or the capacity we have.
its not the superiority or the degree we hold.
its not the arrogance or stereotype we're labelled with.
ohhh the joy of being in med.
and loving it, come what may.

to all you med pple out there:::
gdluck my dearssssss.
exam's on wed. dont mug too hard okie?
like hassed wld teach us- "practise mindfulness to achieve optimal results"
(: (: hehe.
take care of your health. and i enjoyed every bit of the year with you guys.
(: loveeeeeeeeeeeeya'll. (: always.

im dyin too

i didnt go to the lib today.
i supposed nth will change.
):
the fact that my work is not even half completed
and im still not fast enuf,
is not gonna rid me of
1. depression.
2. anxiety disorder
3. hypomania (a side effect of my psychosis)

yes and now im suffering frm "medical student syndrome" (as quoted by Prashan)
i hope i never have to bring up my kids like this.
sigh*
the torture of memorising all the jargon. but on the bright side...
u'll feel smarter! andddd u can trick guys!
tsktsk

u can scare them with jargon
and mk them freak out and listen to whatever the "doctor binny"
says.
HEHE.
ok I WAS KIDDING OK.
(im nt that mean.... m i?)

(: as for now.
i need to resort to digital therapy- my TV! (:

hehe
im starving.
FUCK.

reply to my kerfie.

dearestesttttt kerfie (not a str8 line, but a-),
(:

thanksss for the lil comment you left.
for 1- i was kidding bout havin so many of *coughcough* pics there.
i knw u guys r frens(: thats nice to see.
and 2- who said our pose are good?? hehehhe.

thank yeww for everythin.
and i just wanna specially shout out to you this time
and hope you read this in time.

Kerfie werfie:::
doooood! (:
hope exams are coming along greatttttt.
and i hope youre not too stressed over it. (or hopefully not too slack abt it either)
one yr has came and left us,
so quick- we're BOTH 20% interns now. (:heh.
i'll be praying for u and me too (cant be too selfless eh. haha)
and hope to catch up with ya sooooooon enuf okie?

ilu*** and i miss seeing you in uni! ): *pout*
take care sweeeeets. and i posted a pic just to show how much you really mean to muah! (:

(: love is like the wind.

Went to lib to study today since morning.
*Yawn*
saw realllllllllly shit ppl there. And one nice guy. (: hehe.
As you can probably guess frm my tone-
I met J. Yes *pukes* I HAD to be in spectacles and PJs.
(now he prolly thinks im dying wout him)
anddd I met AARON bloch. Yes blochy! (:
I think ive met him there 45764 times alr.
(I cant say shit cos’ I have to be in lib myself in order to see him right?)
tsk.
Sigh. Now my mood is totally ruined by some ppl’s existence.
Well, in a turn of emotions,
At least he looks good now. As in, healthy/happy/chirpy, good. Not hot, good.
S:
Anyhow, it makes me not regret what could have been for us,
Cos’ since he’s doing so well, it can only mean one thing- (im convinced now)
He is soo much better off this way. Wout me. Wout the naggy, inadequate, uncaring, selfish, jealous, retarding, me, that I usually am.
And I am happy for you j.

did a lot of work today. Thank God.
But still… I have epi, law, PCLs and other themes to cover before tonight is over.
Cos….i got church tmr. (yes im still living on a prayer. Hehe.)
Anddd Monday im meeting dim.
YESSSS I wont be seeing him today and tmr.
*sniffSniff*
nvm. Shall study my bum offffff till Monday arvo. ):

watched a Walk To Rembr last night.
Yes I knw- I’ve watched it a million grazillion times.
But its realllyyyyyyy so sweet. And cos’ I knw the lines by heart,
I practically burst out in tears just secs before the scene happens.
Ayessssss. What can I say . –shakes head-
Its sooo good. All u ppl whining bout nth to do etc etc,
Stop whining! And go get the dvd and drown yourself in tears and wasted sorrow.
Too bad these things never happen to oneself.
If not.. wahh. Dramaaaaaaa will be my middle name (:

Anywayyy I should really be studying now.
(after simpsons, a few shows here and there…. )
hehe.
And as usual, Im starving everytime I study at the lib.
Cos’ the uni shops aren’t open all day andd im too lazy to make some food.
In the first place Im too lazy to go BUY some freakin groceries.
Yes
If you wanna knw,
I haven’t cooked (omg YES I HAVENT COOKED) in agessssssss.
Which, btw, is my favourite pastime besides cutting pple up (literally)
Tsktsk.

I wannaaaaaaaa eat. Roar.
Okok tooloots! (:

To dimmy:::
(quote/unquote) Love is like the wind-
You cant see it,
But it can be felt.
(: (: (:

SDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD baby.

im at dimmy's place now.
studyin. (: yes.

gotta get allmy work doneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
S:

just wanted to do a lil shoutout to my babyyyy wabyyyyy.

dimmmmm! *screams*:::
jst want you to knw that no matter the situation,
im gonna hold ya' down.
okie?
i'll b there (whether or not u need to get smth done surgically)
and whether you choose to listen to me or not (regarding sports)
and whether you go to spore ever or jst wait here for me to come home.
either way,
i'll still be yours.
and thats why i love you!
so dont worry babeeee i'm here.

ilu*
sighhhhhh back to studying.
im feeling SD. *winks*
i wannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnna unSDfy myselffff.
):

KERFERN

KERFFIE if youre reading this-

IM ANGRY! *princess pouts*
(sorry for the lag in reading ur blog)
how can you have 9874359209462 pictures of that DICKHEAD and
only 2 of me
HUH!??!!??

somemore the 2 of me are not that nice.
and you got HIM (that J dick)
posing with tongue out, tongue in, (tongue everywhere) and hotshots
and poses. and all that!?!?!?!
wahhhhh seh.
im sad.
): ): ):
sigh*

okokfine. its your blog. i shant comment further.
-mumbles on to herself in selfpity-

parttime maid, fulltime loser.

yes and i highly doubt this status will change anytime soon.

im home. its 9.50am. FUCK.
i need to go to uni NOW as we speak. and hurry the fuck up with all my work.
i think i shld stop stressing.
i swear ive never balded/broken out (as in complexion)/panda-eyed myself this bad in my entire life.
(ahhh you see... God left my side for a sec and this is what happened)

and i shall never fall again.

-------------
been thinkin bout *someone.
*someone who meant this much to me. (enuf for me to spend all my thots and effort on him)
andddd im reading his lil note he slipped me-

"i like rachy. and i will stop being a loser.
cos' you deserve so much more from me.
and i will try."

how sweeeeeeeeeet.
-melts.- like i always do.

and i think to myself-...
,,,, i had absolutely NO reason at all to put you down.
NO rhyme or reason to choose otherwise.
you didnt show it, but i knw you tried.
as much as i whined abt your inadequate effort for me,
i knew deep down that you wanted this as much as i did.
and maybe thats why i hung on for so long,
so stubbornly.....

i miss calling you at night
when you pranked me. cos' of your innate culture of cheapness.
i miss telling you each night
that i miss doing all that.
and ... i miss you.
i miss pretending like i dont see you in lectures
but at the corner of my canniving eyes,
i catch a glimpse of you for the day
and my work here is done.

why... what-... whh-.
ERGH. whydafuck am i thinkin of you.
i shld really be studyin.
well... at least just think of other things.not you.
ohh not you.

*we're not sexed up,
thats what makes the difference today.
i hope you blow up*

im sick.*sneezes*
dontknw wherethefuck i caught a cold frm.
ohhh yes.
i knw!
yday walking home at night frm the library at subzero degrees.
brrrrrrr *freezes bum off*
with a immunocompromised body,
im sure i fell ill frm yday.
*tsk.*

and today i am sad.
(like i usually am when pms ends)
very sad.
im having funny moodswings.
the kind where you can just break down crying amidst a laughing fit.
yes, thats how i am now.
cos' im ineffectively ridiculed by my own appearance
& existance.
i wish i'd blow away. just evanescence.

*pls remind me why im breathing.

lalal.

studied full on today.
resting time!
(:

-yawns-
i tink it shits me cos' i KNOW i know too little at this point.

anyhowwwwww
goshgoshgosh*.
Joe at soccer today reminded me sooo much of cough*.
seriously, i swear if i ever got drunk in fronta him,
i'd fret and just punch him .
and knead him in the ballz.
*hell yeahhh*
sigh. random. just random outbursts of memory.
sorry S:

andddd Joe frm mannix.
hahah (whats with joes)
jst found out smth new.
heh -gossip-
nahhh shall keep it mum.
gosh! so happy for her! (: (you who likes him)
he's a good catch. esp when he's soooo hot
and yummylicious! (:
sniggers.
speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeks i shall say.

sigh
i'm selfdiagnosing with burnout.
that classic symptoms of -lethargy
-literally gastric pains.
-eyebags + darkrings
-depression due to burnout.
-loss of interest
-loss of energy and enthusiasm in ANYTHING
-hungry and STILL not eating.
-feeling unworthy of any cause.
-loss of self mastery.

all that crap.
therefore, im a dr, and i shall diagnose maself with that.
):

god pls help me.

youre NOT irreplacable

To the left
Everything you own in the box to the left
In the closet, thats my stuff
Yes, if I bought it, baby please don't touch

And keep talking that mess, thats fine
Could you walk and talk, at the same time?
And its my name thats on that jag
So go move your bags,
let me call you a cab

Standing in the front yard,
telling me How I'm such a fool,
talking 'bout
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute
You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin'
You're irreplaceable

So go ahead and get gone
Call up that chick, and see if shes home
Oops I bet you thought, that I didn't know
What did you think
I was putting you out for?
Because you was untrue
Rolling her around in the car that I bought you
Baby, drop them keys
Hurry up, before your taxi leaves

Standing in the front yard,
telling me How I'm such a fool,
talking 'bout
How I'll never ever find a man like you
You got me twisted

*So since I'm not your everything
How about I'll be nothing?
nothing at all to you
Baby I won't shed a tear for you
I won't lose a wink of sleep
Cause the truth of the matter is
Replacing you is so easy
---------------------------------
talked to hyacinta in the lib today.
nice nice catching up in that mere 10mins.
found out a lot of things
i wish i knew myself.

yes yes -shakes head in utter disappointment-
its allllways about you J, aint it?
and it cracks me up to re-enact all the past memories.
all the drama.
all the tears. the pain.
and who could forget the "i-know-she's-checkin-me-out-so-i-better-pretend-not-to-care" look.
oh gosh.
j***.
with so much hurt inside, and yet theres still capacity for me to withhold so mch anger that you just couldnt resolve with your 'charm'.
and after all that,
i just thot u'd like all this attention frm me.
infact! I even thot of a song that so naturally fits you
and all that you do.
-Irreplacable.
Go listen and maybe you'll figure out jst what i've been thinkin all this while.

stuff like
"i bet you thought that i didnt know" (abt all your one-night stands outside)
andddd how you kept telling me
"I'm sucha fool" at our PFE @ The Station.
how relevant is everything that you do wrong agst me
with all the heartbreaking songs.
it seems that you fit every category of 1. cheat. 2. cheap. 3.shit (basically).

i bet you nvr thot that i'd ever reach this point today,
when i stop SIDING you or playing the victim of your chauvinism/'player' attitude.
and i myself am shocked that i actually dare to say all this
cos' i knw of snitches (those bloody idiotssss)
that read this and run to you to report it to you.
(i shant name ppl. im nice (: )

but guess what j.
theres 43567890235 other frens out there.
(incl boys)
and i highly believe, on such a massive scale, till i myself find it entertaining to try to measure it,
that your replacable.

how i know, you say? (:
cos' out of that 6754820920937 boys in the werld (or shal i say MEN)
i've got the best one now.
(:
and avoiding all modesty-
i dont even think i deserve half of what he is to me.
(: (: (:
thats MY baby.
and i wonder to myself- just how i fell for you (or even someone LIKE you) in the beginning.

ban dao tie he

im in the lib. YES even after uni has ended since last week.
(no, im not a nerd.
.....
yeahhhh ok. i am)

S:
sajon just told me he's coming to aust to study.
after all that jon- pls dont.
grrrs
if thats another person i need to b*tch abt on this blog.
sighhhhhhhh*.

i got Jay Chou's lyrics in my head. (thanks to the stupid mp3 i've become accustomed to.)
its in chinese so sucks to be you whitites! (: (or curries. tsk!)

"Ban Dao Tie He"
(i bet u guys have alr heard it.heh)

its really random to translate.
but it goes on the lines of this-

why is it like this,
you look at me, saying you're hesitating.
why is it like this,
the rain hasnt stopped yet, and you're needing to go.
why is it like this,
you pull me, telling me you've alr decided.
why is it like this,
his hands should be warmer than mine.

yarghhh. i told you its hard to translate/
sounds drama this way. S:
ohhwell.
shithappens.

i shall conclude here.
cos' i NEED to continue to study.
andddd hence, prove my dire need to concentrate and relax at the same time.
(tricky eh?)
thats like an oxymoron.
only less hypothetically.

OMG *stressed* im convinced.
i have to gooooooooo.
-runs off .......-

holllllyyyyyyyyy *toot*

sighhhhhh.
):
did a bit of studying todayyy.
SHIT!
im NOT gonna finish my work in time.
and i hope i do.
FUCK.

(ok keep it calm, rach)

ive stopped nannying.
for a while.
cos' im gonna STUDY my bum off. (omg i sound like j.)
yes yes
nerd me! (:

i need to move hse and its frustratinggggggg.
i wanna move! into malvern or some shit.
FUCK.
i need to get so much done.
house, bills, work, study, MOVE. ETC. ):

im sad.
im lonely again. AGAIN.
fuckkkk.

where is dimmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
im over his stupid gift thats never gonna show up ):
and those stupid bills that are never gonna pay itself.
im over this stupid face with blemishes and ONLY imperfections.
and that dry, streaked shit hair that breaks with each brush.
IM OVER THIS HOLE.
and all the time spent in waiting, wasting, and pain.
I WANNA go home. to my lovelyyyyy sistas n family.
i wanna be a dr. (is that reallyyyyyy so hard?)
yarrggh.

and then maybe i'll blow away.

sudden missin' fer yo.

//thats us in his car.

//me and you. at his 21st. *redlips*
// dim being gay and tipsy during his lil speech.


gosh*
a wasted sunday- downloadin songs and singing them out loud.
alone at home.

i think i've come to terms with my solitude.
its MINE now. ): sigh*

i chose you.
and thats wasted now.
its saturday night.
i'll go out and find another you.
we're not sexed up
and thats what makes the difference today.
i hope you blow away.

a random lyric frm robbie williams.
jst like i toldya,
randomly singing ALONE in my house.
a resonance of loneliness.
its ringing when you step into this hole.

i gotta get down to studyiing
and stop using the darn net
i hv a sudden missin' fer you b.
S:

not gonna see dim till 4567890 days when our exams are over.
gosh*

pray for me .
my exams will consume me.

i deserve to be much happier.

- hadi is the one in the front right. (:

- ali, bahar (his wife), dim, me, natalie, BRETT. hehe.

yday's party at michelangelo was ALRIGHT.
(i wldnt lie and say fantastic. cos it really wasnt for me)
the place was ok. food was slightly above average. (altho i cld name you 876543 better ones)
here are some pics.
i knw, its like pathetic 3. the rest are all dim's frens.
anddd...
mayb this wld mk u understnad better why i didnt hav as much fun as i shld hv-
theres only this ONE fuckin ugly pic of us.
and guess what,
its not JST the two of us.
its with other random frens of his.

so mayb this sums up quite clearly how the rest of the night went-
me alone in some randomly sick corner. (and by sick, i dnt mean awesome)
entertaining the random outcasts of various cliques formed ard the tables.
altho the only consolation that i had,
was that i saw my eyecandy! - Brett. -sizzles-
andddd my cute cute bud (dim's gdfren)- Hadi.
i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeee that boy!
he's soooo cute. and his 21st is on 9th dec. one day before i leave fr spore.

ugh SUDDENLY i cant wait to go back to spore.
honestly, i wish i cld spend xmas w my family in melb.
but its impossible to teleport 8974048 members here.
soooo i gtg back.
but nw (mayb due to yday's SHIT day for me)
i wanna run home.
and see ppl i miss.
pple like linn stef yang they all.
pple like lionel, and cussies.
pple like will, YQ!, flor and Keith (yes him.)
andd pple like meg, marilyn my mei.
church ppl like josh gerk elmo, ETC ETC.
ppl i can talk to and NOT GET IGNORED-
like anthony. (ohhh tht boy!)
everyone i deserve to be happy with.
not someone who randomly has a shout out for me
but other times,
expects me to FOLLOW ard, helping him carry this, do that.
talk to him, entertain her,
force a smile, pose a bitch.

i think.
i think i deserve to be much happier than i am now.
currently,
im dwelling in self-pity and self- shitness equivalent- not to dirt- but to the PLANKTON living in them.
erghhh.

fuck those who's been living the life.
i wanna go home.

no more medddd for the year.

first up....

HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY,
DIMMYYYYYY BOY! (:
MAY YOU GET ALL THE LOVE YOU NEED. (AND PREZZIES TOO!)
Hehe.

altho his bday was yday (19/10/06),
we're all celebrating it today at...
Michelangelo's. at Aspendale gardens.
*cantttt wait*

sigh.
if only i had alr received his prezzie frm the uk.
argghh.
but its ok,
he can wait.

i got soooooooo much fuckin work to finish.
yarrrgh. its frustratinggggggg.
assuming tonite we'll mostly be wasted,
that leaves tmr with NO WORK and yadaaa (:

tsk*.
today is also the last day of uni 06.
im not sad.
but i miss my tutors everrrrrr so much.
hope we'll all meet up agn in the near near future.
(:(:(:
with all my love Janet (our PCL tutor)
by far the nicest and sweeeeeeeetest tutor ard. (: mwahhh*

ooooooh dimmy's 21 TMR!

yay. exactly 14 fucking days to exam.
yes thats right. 2 weeks.
actually, thats a lot of time, assuming i MUG 24-7. (whichi dont and cant btw)

my mood is taking a dip and coming back on track.
normal rachel's coming back sooooon! (:
.....

tmr is dimmy's 21st.
tsk.
damnnn! im sooo sad ok.
i got him a card and a lil note i wrote.
anddd i drove 467890- hours to Narra Warren to get him a box of...
Krispy Kremes! (its worth it, eh?)
ohhh yes.
and his top frm the UK still hasnt came yet.
but i told him it'll be belated. so he didnt expect much.
hehehe (:

frday is his bday bash dwn at Aspandale Gardens or smth like tht.
at Michelangelo's restaurant.
those with invites.... rsvp! ( i nv really know wht that stands for btw... hhaha)

anyhow,
im glad im on the right track in getting myself to study
and NOT overwhelm myself with recent, traumatic events.
and from here on,
i shall not.
S:

my phone's down. fuck!
and i cant reply pple or call them. tsk.
cheap 3G. fuck!

sighh.
i wonder what other shit they can come up with.
tsktsk*

ohh to megg:::
yeahh i did. i have a lotttttt of things to tel you.
smthings you shld knw.
i'm halfway dead alr. ):

ilu*

byebye baby, goodbye.

like an infertile burst of sorrow.
i will rembr you baby.

and if by the end of today i dont reply you,
i think you can safely assume i am dead.

i even made her a birth cert of her own!
one i can look at when im old and a grandma.
and when i have 3 kids, i can proudly say i have 4.
and so, heres my baby.

name: aaryanna coleen zartaiski
age: -
d.o.c: 24-09-06
t.o.d: 1625, 17/10/06
at: the MMC.

my baby girl.
and she will be loved.

tod

Time of death: 1625; 17/10/06; 24d.

this concludes the end of my worries.
cos' smtimes, though tough,
its better that we learn to let go of what we shouldnt have.
and nw, i wish i knew what i know today.

to leave off on such a morbid note.

goodbye pretty, nice werld.
wasnt everything perfect when we stil had our conscience?
goodbye to all we left off behind or choose to leave.
and from here i've learnt-
dont hold on to what you dont have the capacity to love.

im feeling ... kinda...
whats that word-
when you got nth left to try for, nth pure and simple,
nth sinless and innocent,
yes, thats right,
im ..
empty.

human resolution.

i think its human- the way we all are.
the things we do, did or shouldnt do.
its all human.
and by this, i mean- wrong.

and its only human to judge before even experiencing something major.
i mean.. MAJOR.
and when that smth happens unto oneself,
we chuck the biggest fit
cos' we realise that the judgement we made before,
doesnt apply to us anymore, once we're the victims in a situation.

i knw it may be selfish to say that im that victim we talk abt,
(cos' really, the one really in pain is her).
i wish i cld be out of uni, or in spore,
or maybe even have dim's support.
but i have nth now.
and i shall be in this mental state frm here forth,
till i find a resolution.

what wld you do-.

what wld you do if your son's at home
lying all o'ver on the bedroom floor
cos' he's hungry
and the only way to feed him is to -
sleep with a man for a lil bit of money
and his daddy's gone.
somewhere smokin' rock now
in and out the lock now
i aint got a job now.
so for you this is just a good time
but for me this is what i call life.
-------------------------

a nice song. thot of it when i had to mk a decision about *ahem*
i wish i cld just TELL everyone what im goin' thru or tinkin abt
and hope i can have a lil referendum of mine
to see what i shld do in the best interest of everyone.
and then i figured-
NTH i do will benefit anyone right now.

that poor poor innocence that i have to forsake
for the good of myself.
but the selfishness that overrode why i even bothered to do it in the beginning
will eat me on the inside
and the guilt of an unborn chance to try and be God's gift, God's angel of mine, will forever be my downfall.

and i will never rise again.
till i learn the meaning of responsibility.

ohgod rach- you bloody idiot.

innocence-

dumbfounded- and henceforth, speechless.
i shall never underestimate the power of freewill again.

only one thing to say today:

with a child of innocence,
and no excuse to live.

God forbid.

*sigh*

ive been starting on my work recently,
and at the same time,
i got to worry about dm's gift.
you see...
he's turning 21.
and everyfucking"FREN" of his is busy with exams that i dont think they even rembr his bday.
worse still,
even if they knew,
they arent willing to spend that ONE HOUR with him, me n alex at a small dinner,
for SUCHA big bday.
and i think its honest to say that everyone deserves a nice 21st.
even if its not glamorous or pretty or whatf*ck,
i tink it shld be special.
in any way possible. esp from his CLOSE FRENS and myself esp.

and amidst this turmoil of getting him what he secretly wants so badly (an aston villa top),
i realise that ive pushed stef my dearest a lil too hard-
asking her to get the top down and all.

steffffffie:::
sorrayeeee abt the top thingy.
i didnt realise that i cld order a top from the UK. i tot i had to BE in the uk itself to order it.
(if not, i cldve jst done it myself) sorry babe.
ilu* still though.
and hope to see you in due time in spore! (:
mwahhhh*

sighhh.

exams in like.... 20days or smth.
roar!
*pulls hair out*
i need to study.
no shit. really.
thats it!
im gonna learn my 100 muscles (excl the lumbricals + interossei)
andddddddddd all that crap nerves.
i swear im fucked. FUCKEDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

ohh i just found out that the latin word "Placebo" means "i will please"
hahah.
how ironic. (:
i love med. its so twirlyyy and shit in its own shit way.
and now ive degraded my diction using this dumb blog.
im gonna go.
study peeps!
and for the phrase of the day- ITS FUCKING 37degrees.

yes it is.
so bugger off- all thee sporeans who claim to knw melb weather well.
HAH.

zimm zimm zimm

//this is zimmo's cuteeeee waiter/brother!
//this is zimmo! ilu* dude!

//yikes. retarded me photowhoring right beside my stairs! (:

just some pics frm zimmo's birthday last sunday. theme: spots n stripes.
(:

(obviously i chose the former)

it was funn.
his hse was literally TRANSFORMED into a disco stu. andddd he had a makeshift bar at the side. with disco lights and ambience. good work zim~!!

and a very HAPPY HAPPY 20th BiRTHDaY to jonathan zimmerman!
my loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. imu! (:(:(:

back to business.
im sooo stressed! waiting for Dm's *AHEM* to arrive frm stef. steffie dearrr, thanks a million! once its ordered, i'll post you the money okie?? (:

ohh yeahh anddddddddd theres 3 weeks more exactly to end of yr exams.
fuckstressed man!
):
sighhh all the anatomy and sem 1 stuff to coverrrr still.
SIGH. fuck SIGH.
ohh and i started nannying again. the schomberg family is back in town again!
(: yay.this week is PACKED with work. sigh.
have to juggle btwn work and studies.
but i cant do without a job.
(yes i knw... all you guys going "omg what happened to spoilt rach?")
lets jst call it independence, shall we?

nowwwww!
back to studying!
STOP DISTRACTING ME stupiddddd blog. pout*

hurt.

it seems like it was yday
when i saw your face
you told me how proud you were
but i walked away
if only i knew what i know today.

i would hold you in my arms
i would take the pain away
thank you for all youve done
forgive all your mistakes
theres nth i wldnt do
to hear your voice again.
sometimes i wanna call you
but i know you wont be there.

im sorry for blamin you
for everything i couldnt do
and ive hurt myself
by hurting you.

somedays i feel broken inside
but i wont admit
sometimes i just wanna hide
cos its you i miss.
and its so hard to say goodbye
when it comes to this

wont you tell me i was wrong
will you help me understand
are you looking down upon me
are you proud of who i am

Christina Aguilera's Hurt.
--------------post------------
i wish i cld tell v just how much im dying inside.
with all the guilt of being a hypocrite
that i once abhored.

and every day that i go thru without you,
i think dm wouldve noticed,
how much i cant do without.
and right now, dm just left my place.
had a teenie weenie bicker- he felt i was mean.
i said somethings i shldnt.
and i KNOW i really shldnt.
but i wish he was more like...
well... everyone he's not- like v or even j.

its cos' its over
that i want it so badly.
right??
and a tinge of jealousy fills me inside-
for what i cannot have.
everyone ard me has what they want.
or almost all.
and they cant complain-
cos' they have the best of alll werlds.
and me,
left with the remorse of a failed tactile to be there for EVERYone.
and im left with nth to fend.
nth to fight for.

yeahhh i got dm.
big whoop. he gives in too much
too easily.
gets me what i need.
feeds me, works with me, TRIES for me.
but it comes to a point,
where i want smth. not need.
he tries so hard to be there all the time.
in fact he tries wayyy too hard.
he feels he needs to be there.
well technically he shld be.
but im jst yet another one of those girls-
unimpressed by delivery.
more of style, humour and effort.
plain, harmless, getting-nowhere-effort. S:

and now i know, vik,
i hurt myself. by hurting you.

med ball 2006.

// thats me. -pick me up at a bar when no one else knows i'll be there-

//vik and me. *danceeeeeee*
- Theekshna anshini me.


MEd ball 06 was a blash with nice nice ambience of elegance intertwined with glamour.
such an eventful night.
it just HAD TO end on such a low mello- tone.
---- heres hw it goes ----

did my hair at ansh's.
dim dropped me and her off.
had the usual entrees and stuff like that.
(nice hall)
nice jazz band.
awards time!
-vik won Vice President.
-Evan won some rural health position i think.
(this is a good start to a bad night)
had a lot of drinks.
fell over EVERYWHERE. (thanks to the heels + alc)
danced a romantic slow jazz with Mark my hearttttttt.
and jazz danced with Vik. (you knw you got me then).
danced with alot alot of pple.
made alot of frens, like Pam & Jess.
and i realise... OUR STUDENTS DATE OLD LECTURERS
not that it matters to me.
butttt they are HOT ok. leave my lecturers alone! theyre MINE
-buwahahaha- (sick perverse thots. ewwww)

anywayyyyy
took many pics. (but cos most are too large to upload, i shall just put up the cuter ones with lame poses fer laughs!)
got alil too tipsy to rembr why certain uncalled-for things happened.
but a brief view will do.
):
-bumped into J alotttttt of times.
melted me inside to know how much i couldnt make him want me.
(i knw... a sad case of misbelief)
and V had a few 'moments' with me.
smth we really shldnt have. EVER. ever again.
and hence, my guilt-filled mind called Dim over.
we all got to 'Seven Nightclub' where the afterparty was.
and d was ther too.
had a major fight bicker with V and then cried like a bitch (also under the influence of alc)
andddd got dim reallyyyy upset.

sometimes i do things even tho i KNW its wrong.
cos' i want it so badly,
that i forget whats reallyyyyy best for all of us.
physical attraction, though superficial, can sometimes be a major setback when you CANT have someone.
(for 1 reason or another).
and it doesnt take a man to cry out,
for you to realise you shldnt be hurting them to begin with.
for any reason at all.
and when you decide and CHOOSE a person over another,
its a commitment to love him/her unconditionally,
even IF the other one returns in hope.
or mayb just glances by you and melts you within.
even IF the one you wanted came back for you.
like a prince on a steed,
waiting to be loved.
DONT mk the mistake of falling into a mess all over again.

you only want it cos' its over.

sigh.

you never call me when youre sober.
you only want it cos' its over.
it's over.

thats what im thinking right now.
about you.
and it amazes me how much you seem to love her.
as much as i never thought you were even capable of.
and it shits me to think that you couldnt even love me half as much as you do for her when we were tog.
and when it all fell apart, you promised you didnt have the means and effort to try for a rship.
and now?
you fall so deep into her,
im afraid im jealous.
):

yes.
and with every day that i go through thinking about how we could have been,
i hate myself for even liking you the way i did-
to be willing to give you my everything in hope you'd want me instead.
):
sighs.
----------------------
i need my daily dose of dmitri. yes yes.
not meeting him today cos' we GOT TO do work for once, on our own.
I MISS YOU SWEETIE!
): sigh.
wish you were here to study with me.
(by now you figured that i just DONT study, with or without dm)
S:

hope i get to see you before my med ball tmr. (: ilu*

you.

you will never know the true guilt of leaving a love behind,
and indeniably cry oneself to sleep each night,
until that one love you wanted so bad
comes back.
only this time,
you're with someone else.

):

V my love came over at 9am today
to get me maccas for breakie.
he knows my fav- hotcakes. (well i'd prefer big breakfast but they dont have it here.)
and when he saw D's whole bunch of flowers on my table,
i saw him die inside.
he zoned out, as if to mask any form of despair,
and took out a big box of LINDT (yes thats another of my fav) with a lil note.
he left it on my table,
and with a tight hug, filled with regret and pain altho nth was spoken,
he walked out.
and i didnt get a single chance to tell him how i wish he hadnt been the one to witness how much D has done for me,
and in contrast,
how little V has even tried to do for me.

it hits you once you know its really over
and how, no matter what you do or say,
nth seems to rewind and replay.

i wish you didnt have to see all this V,
i wish i was the one who told you about this.
sometimes i try to
but you knw what effect you have on me.
and when it comes to leaving you,
even if my words say it all,
my heart's still gonna be here. for you.

my wasted heart will love you.

tutes are getting a lil boring.
mark, being the rebellious one out of all,
suddenly turned to me and asked "rach. wanna quit med with me"
and you'd think i'd punch him
and hit his nuts back in reality.
but NO...

me: OH cool! hmmm what reason shld i give?
mark: *ponders hard.... very hard*
me: OHH! i can say i got pregnant!! (:
mark: its hard NOT to notice such a big event.
me: damnnn. i need to get a kid... *ponders along with mark*
mark: just do it then!
me: you do realise that i have to un-SD-fy myself first right... *THINKS HARD and laughs in the realisation that such a situation is highly plausible*

you see....
liars go to hell *winks*

do you ever feel this sudden urge to say ilu*
not any random person of cos.
but to that someone.
but the words just came out wrong?
and if it DID sound like ilu* (which perhaps i mistook for audible delusions),
did you say it and realise that an ounce of your voice didnt mean it?
well, maybe you meant it,
but simultaneously theres a part of him/her that you wanna change,
you wanna rearrange,
you wanna let go of,
you wish you didnt have to deal with.
cos' thats exactly what love ISNT about.

watching Love actually (for the hundredth time) just tore me inside.
and i realise,
you dont need language, age, rship-status, speech or anything to make love work.
cos' love in itself is a language,
is an age,
is a status worth provin',
is an endless speech worth hearin'.

and i felt exactly the way the guy felt when his bestfren married his world (this girl Keira Knightley).
But till then,
my wasted heart will love you.
and it will my dear. it will.

-a trickle of tears to consume the emotion-
with fear that this lil' heart <3>
i implore you to pardon my emo-ness.
i fell for someone i cannot have.

bad dreams.

these few months,
ive tried overcoming my need to see you with other ppl.
dont get me wrong-
its not substitution, (or using ppl)
but ... well....
a change.
):

and as days go by and the thot of you just slowly fades
(or so they think)
i miss you more and more each day,
its rather a shocker for those who felt sincerely happy for me
that i got D. and im moving on.
but the thot of you being with someone else scares me.
the sad heartbreaking songs that ive sung in my head everyday is replaying in my mind.
and im reliving the pain. each and every day.

in hope D wont read this blog,
im guilty.
of what i cannot be contented with ,
and what i chose to break down over.

to all who's still lost and wondering just who the fuck has stolen my heart away like its his to begin with-
its J***.
the one i painted my life with.
the one i even bothered to wake up each morning for.
the one who wld keep quiet when i said ilu* and i meant it. everytime.
the one who claimed he's a one-woman man and yet with his bare hands, cheated my history.
the one i wouldve given all my heart to if only he tried to love me for me.

the one
the one
the one.

my emo, sad, imu* post has become a revoltingly aggressive one.
with a turn of emotions as i jolt back into reality
and realise,
i can never have you.

----------
read a few blogs *COUGHCOUGH*
and a tinge of purple rushed to my head.
A LIL SURPRISE FOR HER ey?
stop cheating yourself and stick to one girl.
im nt sore.
and im tryin to protect 'em.
but your stinkin' casanova arse will get you NO WHERE here ok.
i knw i knw,
you think your charm will get you places,
well,
NEWSFLASH- you're not half as hot as you think you are.

so get your boxers on,
cover your face with your guilt (youre suppsed to feel bad when YOU CHEAT)
and stop fucking ard.

im jealous.
why dont i get any surprise frm u??