faith.

as i read my own blog,
to reminisce on times less rembrd in words,
i realise-
this blog is not so much of plain rantings,
but of sound experiences to show just how precious and worthy life is after all.

believe it.

and today's post: yet another life-changing moment.

i met a young girl, of only 19, with the most gorgeous smile and hair and gait and evrything.
she had a poise of unspeakable confidence yet humility.
and she reminded me of the girl i wish i could be.

but the reality is, and there always is a shocking-and-unnecessary one,
that she had a bronchogenic carcinoma of the lung.
and not to scare you, or to fool you,
but its real.
of only 19 years of life she had, be it sweet or bitter,
was all she lived and all she'll ever leave her legacy with.

she was a beautiful soul.
a child, in its purity and downfall of this innocence.
she had a prognosis of 6 weeks tops.
nothin more.
and if she was lucky, she would be alive after that, but only to wait for her next deathtoll frm the docs.

and its sad, but true.

she smoked for a mere 2 years. but her sisters are smokers
and she passivesmoked + smoked. which equaled to pure unluckiness and misfortune.
God's eyes, tho unnoticed by many, are on her.

He gave her a beautiful face and body and hair and mind.
she had the smile of an angel, i swear,
and she was more than a girl of 19.
she had what i never could exhibit.
she had what i always wanted-
in the stark darkness of hopelessness and bare luck,
a good smile. a good soul. a good character which didnt bring everyone else down along with her.

she was an angel.

and this post isnt about smoking. or the cancers you may get.
(by now i assume we're sane adults with enough capacity to knw its evils. and tho I SMOKE, at least im tryin.)
its about having a lil faith.

even when its hard to imagine how bad things couldnt get,
jst cos its at rockbottom.
but faith.
its not that hard to find- jst hard to express, hard to believe.

i am of dampened faith now
with all thats ard me.
i have a medical bill which i can barely afford.
piles of bills and car damages to repair.
a housemate of unearthly personality.
a dog which eats its shit (literallY).
and a career just waiting to be ruined with a bad attitude and pessimism.

and of cos, a lack of faith.

and today's angel just made me feel worse about myself,
my terrible terrible mind,
which runs in circles of pointless rants.

and i, today, will not let this lack of faith be less of that angel than one fallen frm grace.

S:

a very eventful one day yday.

did my EBCP assignmt till the last qn and poof*
my comp decided to be a bitch and crash right there and then.
thaaaanks.
anywayyyy panicked- called my one source of help (besides god of cos)
MY DADDDDY POOOOO.

thank you God.
he told me to get anew one since mine is antique alr. (really... it is.)
haha.
sooo now im using my new new new sony vaio. WHICH IS RED tehehhe
anddd at the same time, jst cos i was at sony and i had extra cash frm buying th lappie,
i got a sony cybershot.
VERYYYY CHEAPPPP ah.
andddd its touch screen too.
andddd its got a smile detector. how cool.
andywayyyyyyyyy
its only 200 plus. sooo its nt like WHOAAA>
and its pink!!
hahahah
ok im going nutz with color in my life (HEY at least smth in this world is not dull and lifeless ok)

so
being excited with e new comp (which im veryyy over it now btw)
i did the whole assignment. in one day. lol
anddd i did a few pathology cases which i have procrastinated to do... over.... one semester alr.
liaooooooooo.
annnnd
its...
19 days till my love comes.

and thy love be done. (:
(ok i knw how sick that came out but no sick thots pple!! this is purely a figure of speech for me. )
lol

and yesssssssss.
no work till fri
monday (tmr) is my treatmentttttttt.
woot. cant wait. no relaly. the cramps are killing muah.

S:
and so, happy last-day-of-weekend-to-killjoy pple!
(:
tk cr. and all, wear more clothes. melb is really an ice box now.

for a gift less noticed.

my new motto.

been tested today cos of a recent tummy ache ive been getting.
and im happy an illness ive had for quite a while has been cured. (thank you god)
but another turns up for the party.
tsk.

im sad.
i cldnt even get thru cabrini today without weeping at least twice in my own time.
and all i pray for now
is for a gift less noticed.

where we all ignore till we want it.
and now,
im losing it.
and i want it back.

and so, God, for this gift we so often forget to thank you for,
pls, i ask this once of you, give it to me again.

obsessed with Bonjovi's You Wanna Make a Memory & Till We Aint Strangers Anymore.
old school. I LIKE!~

(:
monday. weirdly enough- no monday blues this time ard.
altho my mummy did upset me quite a bit this mornin.
but otherwise, its all good! (:
did quite a bit of study today. PATHOLOGY. eeeeeeks.

how will i ever be a doctor. howwwwwwwwwwwww??

nth much to rant. had a late morning and no stress.
(except tmr's hospital-in-the-home. reallllllly dread it)
goodday folks! (:

and finally caught up a wee bit with lionel on msn.
AIYO about time la. been wondering which part of the earth he hid himself in. tsktsk*
-------------

i see you reaching for your keys
looking for a reason not to leave
if you dont knw if you shld stay,
if you dont say whats on your mind.
baby just breathe
theres nowhere else tonight we shld be.
you wanna make a memory.

your phone is ringing
i dont wanna ask
if you go now i'll understand
if you stay, hey, ive got a plan
you wanna make a memory
you wanna steal a piece of time

you can sing a melody to me
and i can write a couple lines.

OH YES. DID I ALSO MENTION
that i mop the toilet EVERY fucking day too, cos she walks ard the floor after she showers before drying up?
NO WONDER SHES FREEZIN/ tsk.

and i jst cried, out of pity for myself.
for how much i wish i wasnt here
and cld jst disappear.
im gonna stay in cabrini all day for this week so i wont have to come home to her.

im serious.
i can almost smell a fight.

TO ALL SPOILT BRATS OUT THERE,
IF YOU LIVE IN SOMEONE ELSE'S HSE-
ACT LIKE YOU GIVE A SHIT.
AND HAVE A LIL RESPECT FOR THE OWNER WHO HAS TO CLEAN UP YOUR SHIT.

smokig and blogging,
you jst gotta know,
is when im uber stressed and need an outlet to BITCH.

ok i always thot i was a tolerating person regarding my hsemate.
but today (actually evreyday leading to today) is the end point.

i consider myself fortunate yet veyr independent.
i work late nights. and give up my social life on weekends jst to work and get that lilll bit of extra money to lead a self-sustainable life.
i can barely afford to have 3 meals a day.
honestly,
i eat ONE full meal (WHICH I COOK AT HOME)
and on weekdays i eat sandwiches (WHICH I MAKE AT HOME TOO) at cabrini.
thats cos i jst cant afford to live otherwise.

i work so hard to pay my alr-high-bills
and there she goes,
BLOWDRYING HER BODY when shes cold.
bad enugh tht she doesnt OFF her heater at alllll thruout the night
but BLOWDRYING HER BODY THRUOUT THE DAY AND NIGHT is on the edge of tolerable.
i cant stop having nightmares of my electricity bill.
i had to wait outside my own place today while she BLOWDRIES herself. 15 mins you knw. of standing in the cold cos shes cold. AND IM NT, OUTSIDE?????

you may think its not a big deal.
but ive had experiences with 600bucks bill before. ITS A NIGHTMARE.

i dont wanna whine. im sorry. but im abt to scream at her.

i work till 4am most shifts
and have to wake up at 6am to go to alfred hospital lectures and tutes.
im trying not to be a bitch.
but my skin is shit, my eyebags are disgusting and im losin wgt (i shldnt complain but i am cos i got stretchmarks now. tsk)
my left arm has gotten a tiny clot and both arms and legs have muscle aches.

i spent endless amt of money in the past buying red n black decorative stuff for my hse to mk it look presentable.
AND I TRY TO.
but she jst dumps al her project stuff on the dining table and kitchen and shoves my nice expensive decorations to the corner.
i clean all the dirty pots and plates that i DONT USE and everytime i finish drying them,
she uses another.
its ok. BUT FUCKING CLEAR UP AFTER YOUR SHIT.
and im tired.
i really am. i look it. i am it.

i try to tolerate somemore cos we've been frens for 4 years.
but friendship only goes so far in life. i learned.

and i dont mean to be such a nasty bitch.
but life jst cant be spent tolerating shit i dont need.
i tried to be nice. i offered her a place to live when she needed one.
and she comes and ruins my place.
my life.
my everything.

i wake up extra early every fuckin day to clean the dogs poop cos she doesnt like the smell.
she cleans the place on WEDNESDAY (one day. note that) cos she DOESNT HAVE SCHOOL and she thinks that enough.
its not. i clean all other 6 days.
i pick up shit and step on peee all the time.
she doesnt let the dog in her room and ITS HER DOG.
she uses my laundry hanger even tho shes got one in her romm.
and when i need to hang up my workin clothes, she says her stuff needs to dry.
WELL FUCKING USE YOUR OWN THEN.

keith is comin and i have to finda place to live for a week cos she walks in and out of my room to use the toilet excessively thruout the night. THATS NOT NORMAL.
nocturnal urination is supposed to be only ONCE a night.
WHO SHITS SO MUCH???

anywayyy im so broke now.
with evrything tats going on.
i got....7 bucks in my acct and im nt even gonna start to bitch abt the bills that are coming.

im sad.
cos i didnt plan to spend time with keith in pain and nagging abt my hsemate.
but i will have to.
i cant take things in my stride. cos im nt one to live in suffering IF THINGS CAN BE DONE TO IMPROVE THE SITUATION.
im suffering. full stop.

i dont have to be nice just cos im rachel.
(aka gullible and made used of and still having to smile)

i jst did 1 session of my microdermabrasion.
FUCKING HURTS cos my face is sick.
not toooo bad in terms of swelling and redness.
jst a slight erythema. but settled after an hr (tHank you God.)

S:

buttttttttt scars are still there and a lil red.
and my face is generally poofy.
DARN. fuck this la.
payed 150 for pain. darnnnnnn.

nth much else. last night's work was Melbourne Uni's education deptmt ball.
SO LONG. drunkards puking all over me.
and a random drunkard kissing my cheek and grabbing me all the time
and i cldnt show resistance, cos 1) i had 4 hot plates in my hand and cld push away. 2) its my job to be POLITE and not push customers generally.
DAMN. so no balls. grrr.

nth much. oooh yes. i ended work at 2.30am. HOW FUN.
now my arm like a smalllll clot cos of impingment of the vein by veryyy hot plates thruout the night.
anddd my arms are aching. i had to ROLL out of bed (literally. no lies)
anddddd im dead tired frm the dermabrasion.
have to sleep another DAY. heh.

hope all is well, ppl.
tk cr and have a nice, freezing, drenching wet saturday night! (:

and god drops a helpline.

and god drops a helpline.

did he.

finally got down to roaccutane again and microdermabrasion.
with minimal spendage on lasers and things i almost did but rethought it thru.

he did.
------------

and a new found addiction.
miley cyrus (however u spell it haha)
first it was 7 things, and now its See you again.
(: hehe.

i hate her, dont get me wrong,
but her songssss. CATCHY and head-sticking.

when keith comes,
no more hotsprings holiday or anything like that.
cos things are settling better with kris now andddd my face treatments with dermatologist are getting a weeeeee bit expensive. lol

XP cant wait. exactly 28 days till my love comes.
and then! its 5 days of loveeeeeeeeee and caring and catchin up on lost times and affection...
thennnn its another couple of mths of mugging
and being the usual me. WHICH DOESNT SAY MUCH ABT MY LIFE
but still.

glad 3rd yr as a medical student is coming to an end already.
feels gd to be of some significance in the hospital for once.
not stooping to be lower than even.... plankton.
or worseeee. an amoeba. (ok plankton is still worse. ENOUGH!!!)

have a greattttt weekend peeeps!
and one shoutout to....

AH FLOR!
- HAPpY BIRTHDAY my lau pok pok
youre soooooo matured now (with NO negative connotation) that you get your personal space on my blog entry. lol
ANYWAYYYY
happy bday and have a great one.
midlife crisis is about to hit ya hard in the face (yes life doesnt even attempt to stab you in the back. nw it jst comes right up agst your face, doesnt it.)
hope you have or have SOON all the best things in life.
now allyou need is a man. (as you always tell me. DONT BE PICKY. ure running outta youth my dear)
tk cr and be goooood. dont over intoxicate yourself at Gotham PLEASE.
your liver cant regenerate itself as fast as we YOUNGSTERS ok?
(: (: (:
loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you!
and God bless, this very special day, and many more years to come. (if u stop alcohol NOW. hahhhah)

im mean. sorry.
jst rubbing agein in her face lol. (:
peaceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeout.xox

fuckthis

life isnt fair, we all knw that nw,
but do we really knw??

i was in oncology the whole day today
and it hit me.
WE DONT KNW how unfair life is.
really, humans are clueless.

we whine abt every little thing every day we breathe,
but some pple, out there amongst us,
cant even take a full deep breath without hurting.
and theyre nt the ones to complain!
how is it that we're so fortunate, yet so complacent?

OK BAD LINE.
im the biggest whiner of all. i shldnt be 2faced, i knw
but reallyyyyyyyyyy.

a 34yr old lady had breastcancer with chemo and radiotherapy.
her husband is gone, out of sight,
and she's got a 3 yr old child.
her 2 bestfriends died of breast cancer this year (and last)
and she doesnt whine abt life. at all.
(if i were her, i'd be depressed. more than that. i'd be suicidal)

why is it that im never satisfied, even if it means i have more ahead of me, of my career as a doctor, of me as a wife/mother/whatever.
why is it that NOW with my fucked up complexion and fats, (and CLEAR body dysmorphic disorder) I cant stand still??
why do i look at those oncologic pts and tear out of guilt of my own ineffectuality,
and not of sympathy or empathy of their impending death?
am i so consumed with my face/body/image in general, that i forgo the essence of life?
the bare sanctity of life in itself?

im nt reaching enlightenment, no- i wish i did really.
cos' then i wont be so demanding of God and all who believe in me
and maybe make a change.
for myself and those i love and yet, hurt, each time i cry abt my problems.

and so, to keith my babylove:::
baby.
i am truly sorry that i do this to you everytime.
i call you to whine and cry about all the things i hate abt myself
whilst you worry away abt me.
thinking that you love me no matter mks me feel worse
that i cant even love myself.
and for all the patience and time and tears you showed me-
i love you too.
and yes,
i will be yours. your wife. your partner. you're everything.

and yes ppl,
let the truth be out.
dont judge for what you dont have insight on,
this is PRIVATE (for all its worth)
im engaged! (:

i take joy in cooking.
sad-and-housewifey? yes. (:

i cooked basmati fried rice today.
indian style.
i actually added bbq chicken slices (homemade okkkk!!!)
and mixed veg (indian style too hahah)
anddddd mushrooms.
and cooked with basmati rice (its special!!)
anddddd and some yellow powder spice thingy.

POINT IS-
thats the recipe. MY OWN recipe. (its really hard work!!)
anddd it takes yummylicious i tell ya!

PPLE, you wanna try it. come visit rach's kitchen at st kilda....
RIGHTTTT...
anyhoooots
back to work.

i stopped tv-ing and sex-and-the-citying
cos i cant. (no reception and laggin internet. hehe)

soooo its nerd time. again. exams are approaching ok!
OK I KNW in like 3 mths.
but WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa thats like 4 x 2000pages textbook! ):

i need a break. and tmr i get my work schedule. MORE WORK PLSSSSS (:

im sick. in the head. someone call me to enlighten this soul pls.
and yes!
tmr i got.... ONCOLOGY. woot.

an attempt to be.

despite the fact that i have lazy bones,
and utterly NO interest in my work whatsoever,
i did one wholeee pathology case online today!!
(thats a lot considering ive been behind patho cases for about 4 weeks. heheheh)

anddd i did some random study on thymomas today.
yes. im officially into nerd zone.
keep awayyyyyyyy from the nerd pple! nerds arent friendly when theyre with their books (:

anddddd yes.
so ask me abt thymomas. quick! (: *showoff*

anyhoots
going back to my work now.
waiting for wed when i knw the rest of my shifts for th weekend. hope i get lots of it so i can buy nice nice things for everyone at xmas.
yes cousins and all, you want nice presents? start praying i get good shifts (:

hahaha

i miss my life.
the one with alcohol and cigarettes in nightclubs.
the one i used to DANCE.
(yes yes i slowly lost my passion)
and i need it back!!!! help!

am i very demandin?

(ok rhetorical qn right there)

i try not to be but its so tough! ok i am spoilt (or WAS spoilt)
by random others.
and to stoop myself jst to fit a new standard is hard work!

i work all night (literally. my first shift as a wedding waitress last night was fun but shit tiring!)
and i only worked till 12am. can u imagine if i have to work till the usual 2am?
its not fair. but what is, right?

i slog all night so when the boy comes,he comes with style and a bit of comfort here and there. like steak outs on weekends
and crown casino when bored.
and cheesecake in the middle of the night when he asks.
and things like these arent cheap in melb!
i needed a job and now im working.
and i jst wish that i get, in all modesty, some form of recognition.

a simple thanks for everything,
or at least talk to me on the phone without whining.
and all that.
ok phonebill is high, but what isnt?
my education is impt. so is my social life.
but all is going dwn with this job.
and i wont complain if i got some damn reciprocation. (if thats even a word)
tsk.

so much for hardwork and returns.

i wish i was still a child!!

enuf bout that.
did i tell u that my first day out at work was a highsch prom.
a catholic sch, may i add.
and after grace, the first song was "i kissed a girl and i liked it..."
HAHA.
and then, after much dismay frm the principal's view,
the song of the day came up "i wanna make love in this club, in this club..."
HAHAHA

i tell u !!
the waiters couldnttttt stop giggling.
you shldve seen. it was bliss to watch 16/17 yr olds fight over some "hot" chic in short dress and a thong, wagging her butt away on the dancefloor to "billy jeans is not my lover" haha.

i love this job.
tsk

damn

ok. so much for being good and attending all classes.

today, once again,
i skipped pathology. lectures at alfred and radiology.
SERIOUSLY, rach!!!

i dont knw why im so fuckin lazy to even get my arse off the bed at 5am inthe morning with 0degrees wind.

hah.
i realllly jst wish things were so much bearable these days.
and instead of studying at home,
im blogging, playin w the poopbag, facebooking, anddddddd sex-and-the-citying.
greatttttt
and tonight... TONIGHT is my drinking night of the year man.
get smashed with my at Bridey's ok? (:

love xoxo

change/

i dont knw what it is that makes me feel different.

maybe its the boy.
maybe its my anti-depression-strategy.

here goes nth-
im changing the mood in this room of mine.
-->cigarette smoke and heater- dont mix.
-->and crumpled worksheets all over the bed, as if to compensate for the lonely nights.
-->and my clothes strewn all over the room.
and floor.
and lappie.

AND
im fixing the things in my life that need to be fixed.
--> my car side mirror and indicator
--> my 4 flat tyres
--> my dents and scratches
--> my headlight's broken.

AND
im fixing my temper
--> less smoking
--> less pigging out due to anger-management misfortune
--> less Sex n the city. SERSIOUSLY.

AND
im correcting my ex- lovelives.
--> no meetin EX unless necessary
--> no replying boys i dont like
--> Re-friending is the limit.

AND
im startin to change my lack of financial planning this whole damnnnn life
--> get a job (done!) and work HARD
--> study hard to prove myself to snobbish docs.
-->SAVE $$
--> pay ppl i owe $ to. once and for alllllll. FUCKKKKK (:
--> buy my own stuff. (my iMac, iPhone, etc etc)
yessss i do want a lotta things, dont i??
--> SHOP FOR LESS BAGS AND SHOES. damnnnnnnnnnnn.

im making a change. im startin with ME. insteaad of waitin on the whole werld to change.
(: im happier today.

i started this TODAY.
today today today.

1. i replaced all 4 flat tyres, on my own accord (not BY myself. but with MY initiative, nt my dad's. haha)
2. i bought my working clothes so i can start waitressin again on SATURDAYYYY (:
3. i bought a STAPLER (yes how pathetic am i right?) so i can start filing my notes and stop throwing them ard the place. (: (: (: (:

see. im not jst all talk no action.
im being so me.

taking comfort.

i take comfort in the simplicity and honesty and loyalty of my rship with keithboy.

how, this is the first time in my lovelife, that im totally tho blunty honest,
and it doesnt backfire on me!
yes, we fight, but not as much as other exs
and i enjoy the fights!!! (how sadistic but yeahhh)
it comforts me to knw he actually reallyyyyyy gives a shit.

and becky is having her wedding party for sure.
and im gonna wear my armani exchange gold dress.
*droooools*( yes to myself. lol)
anddddd i need to lose wgt. nt cos i think im fat, but cos i ate 4 Oreo choc bars yday in one go
and had 3 dinners the night before.
and i hate eating. wastes time
but i still did.
see! told u i need some self-ctrl ard here. hahaha.
oh yes.
andddd i need to start cleaning up that poochbag! the house is a messssss and keith is coming in 1 mth 6 days. woooooooooooooooooooooooots (:

im bored. and fucking cold.
my toes are grey (not blue. cos its past that level of frostbite. haha)
andddddddd i start work as a wedding waitress (yes yes rub it in) on saturday. SEVEN HOUR SHIFT man. LIAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO S:

anywayyyyys
gonna go shop now.
cosssssssss i skipped work for one day to relax at home,
cos im tired of cabrini and the ppl init.
and i need a break. so this is my self-proclaimed break frm that hellhole.
and i'll b back tmr. DAMN.

ok shooooooooping timE!! oh yeahhs and im catchin coffeeeee with michey hunnie later. and ALCOHOLLLLLLLLLL on friday night.
i say..... bridie o'reileys anyone??? (:

i hate life. in cabrini.

i hate MCR assessments. i cried my heart out.
and i hate certain ppl. theyre pervs.
and then i hate certain FRENS who have the audacity to call themselves frens.
i hate two faced RUDE ppl who think they know it all.

cos they dont.
and whats the point in having friends like that.
all they do is piss you off.

situations situations situations.

i am last to judge when it comes to putting oneself in a situation they cant get out of.
and yes,
i am a living example of a two-faced person who cant practise what they preach.
):

im sad. really. S:

an ex-bf who wants to meet me to 'mk up for lost time and love'.
i wont call that sweet or romantic, seriously.
i would call that unnecessary and one word- rebound.
a guy calling up when he's got no one else left and finally realises how much i WAS worth to him.
not anymore, clearly, cos' im in love with someone else.
but today,
im meeting up with a FRIEND.
pls pray i'll be good.

shitttttttttttttttttties

oooooooooooomgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg.

i cant believe im talkin to my ex on the phone.
FUCKKKKKKKK

ian. help.
its jay. ):

me

you knw what,
i cant do this anymore.
i cant rant abt you.
its unhealthy to store so much disappointment and anger towards a person,
who for one- did stay by me when i needed someone.
and two- had the humility to leave me alone after.

i dont think anyone, ANYONE (cheaters, bastards, losers, weirdos, dickheads, anals etc etc),
deserve the bitch treatment.

i will let go.
as of now.
i will smile, and i will mean it.

ive been stockking my tummy with wayyy too much snacks and feelgoodfood jst to mk myself feel better, when really,
im dying- inside and out.

im plumper than usual jst cos i have no selfctrl
and inside im feeling shit. all over again.

and so,
in an attempt to self-preserve,
i am gonna love me.