fuckthis

life isnt fair, we all knw that nw,
but do we really knw??

i was in oncology the whole day today
and it hit me.
WE DONT KNW how unfair life is.
really, humans are clueless.

we whine abt every little thing every day we breathe,
but some pple, out there amongst us,
cant even take a full deep breath without hurting.
and theyre nt the ones to complain!
how is it that we're so fortunate, yet so complacent?

OK BAD LINE.
im the biggest whiner of all. i shldnt be 2faced, i knw
but reallyyyyyyyyyy.

a 34yr old lady had breastcancer with chemo and radiotherapy.
her husband is gone, out of sight,
and she's got a 3 yr old child.
her 2 bestfriends died of breast cancer this year (and last)
and she doesnt whine abt life. at all.
(if i were her, i'd be depressed. more than that. i'd be suicidal)

why is it that im never satisfied, even if it means i have more ahead of me, of my career as a doctor, of me as a wife/mother/whatever.
why is it that NOW with my fucked up complexion and fats, (and CLEAR body dysmorphic disorder) I cant stand still??
why do i look at those oncologic pts and tear out of guilt of my own ineffectuality,
and not of sympathy or empathy of their impending death?
am i so consumed with my face/body/image in general, that i forgo the essence of life?
the bare sanctity of life in itself?

im nt reaching enlightenment, no- i wish i did really.
cos' then i wont be so demanding of God and all who believe in me
and maybe make a change.
for myself and those i love and yet, hurt, each time i cry abt my problems.

and so, to keith my babylove:::
baby.
i am truly sorry that i do this to you everytime.
i call you to whine and cry about all the things i hate abt myself
whilst you worry away abt me.
thinking that you love me no matter mks me feel worse
that i cant even love myself.
and for all the patience and time and tears you showed me-
i love you too.
and yes,
i will be yours. your wife. your partner. you're everything.

and yes ppl,
let the truth be out.
dont judge for what you dont have insight on,
this is PRIVATE (for all its worth)
im engaged! (: