ohgod.

yes, Oh my god.
pls help me now.

im in the cabrini lib and i really shdnt waste time bloggin.
but i jst received news frm my mummy dearest.
of a tmj-related illness that requires a lot of energy, effort, money and time to figure out.
in fact, its so rare that there barely is a cause.
spore being the only option if she wants treatment-
a treatment she can barely afford.

im gonna start work soon.
so i can pay for her.
dont ask.
jst pray fer her pls.

and i cant believ that at such a life-stealing moment in my life,
and im right beside the one person who i stood by in HIS life-stealing moment,
and yet im still all alone.
and i can bearly breathe.

and i realise,
maybe thats why we're apart.
and i wasted all my time on you.

21 dayss.....

i cant wait. the love comes in 21days. (:
isnt that excitin... *awkward silence looms*

rightooooooo
anywayyys
alls well now.
i recovered frm my personal epidemic.
hahaha. SICK + gastro + dehydration frm all the pukin n shittin + anaemic symptoms
now isnt life sweeeeeet.

anddd im glad that S. is better with me now.
no more childish rants on this blog
cos he offered to get food tog when i had severe gastro
and even tho i DIDNT get out of my toilet in the end,
i still smiled (while spewing).
haha.
the thot that things MIGHT get better
and i wont drunkdial anymore,
is sweeeeeet.

heh.
thank you. i dont knw hw u'll ever get to read this,
but in some weird way,
i hope you knw it anyway.
i appreciate the thought.
(:
-------------------------

its weird,
everytime we have tutes or lects,
i see him at the corner of my eye
and i swear,
the ONE bloody time i actually turned to look,
you looked right back.
and for some weird nonperverse reason,
i didnt look away (like most reflexic ppl would. haha)
i jst stopped and stared. (ok this reminded me of one republic's song. ANYWAYYYY)

your look kills. really. it does.
its not a sad one. or a happy one. (thats the worst part)
its a dramatic one i picture in my head.
one like the one when you left me.
the exact same anger and persistence and ignorance on the exact moment you left.
it was so surreal
that i smiled then.
not for joy
but for relief you felt smth for me to begin with.
and now,
with so much nostalgia and resentment,
you've let me go.

you're awesome S.
jst the way i rembrd.

pictures of you. pictures of me.

in caMbrini. lol

jst before st kilda fest
i was trying out the lipstick dim got me TWO years ago. tsk. REDDD i like!
look at my gelato. so penis-like right!?!??!
dil n i n my little penis.

the love. youre new name.

ok addiction to bloggin is worse than addiction to facebooking.

hah.
linn ah!! reply my facebook note! im lost and have no time leftt!!!! (:
hahah ok thats funny.
(this soooo shows my facebooking addiction)
lol

didnt get to talk to the love yday, he was NSing his life away yday. haha.
buttt i did get to talk to ah flor my lau pok pok at least 3 hrs yday.
and its hilarioussssss.

the love is happy.
cos my daddy knows abt all the stuffs and has yet to yell at me.
and in fact,
he talked to me on sunday and didnt shout.
instead,
he used endearment to deal with me
and i feel sooooo much better!!
(:

oh yes. and finallllllllly the love got the ticket to get his arse down here!!!! (: (: (:

oh man. im counting down.
25days till i die of hyperventilation when i actually get to see him. (: (:
not much left to update.
except,
today is a greatttttttt day! i end at 1pm.
wooooooooots.

i get to concentrate on my drawings.
oh yeahh!
ive started to draw anatomy pictures to entertain myself (: (:
lol.

i love you werld!

(oh yes did i tell you how OVER him i am??)
yessssssssss i am. in fact! i had a counselling thing yday abt that.
OH MAN.
boy do i feel greatttt without you. (:

im a happy child

ok im getting better frm my bacteria invasion. hahs.
no shit.

didnt end up clubbing on fri. fucking stormed!
met up w ken n mdoug my favourites for a maccas supper and what not. (:
then sat night- again it poured at my side andddd ended up not clubbing with mich hun n kris.
overall tho-
i did go church on sun MORNING (if u dont alr knw me, i barely wake up on sundays. let alone mornings)
hahha.
anddddd i had to de-sign myself for the easter week help-out cos keiboy is coming to celebrate easter with mE! mannn. i feel bad. oh wells. australia is over populated with elderly ppl who can afford hours helping out ! (:

oh yes.
i am not sore anymore.!! i tink the realisation that keiboy is coming all the way here soon is a consolation for me when im mad abt ex-s or HIS ex-s. hahaha.
i swear b! you ahhhh. keep clear of japanese or half-jap ex gfs!!! theyre seductive i tellya!
I of all ppl shld knw that. (: (: (:
hehehhehe
oh gosh. im gg crazyyyyyyyyyy.

oh yes.
a bigggggggggg thankyew to stef song my SD-clerk (: (you're always the lowest position in the club fer some weirddddddddd reasonnnnn. hahahah)

anyhooots. i got the wallet you helped me buy and im a happy child!!
thank god you got good taste man!! (: i love youuuuuuuuuuuu.
tk cr babe. and update abt Deli sooooooon pls. (: lovelovelove.

better than you

im very sore.
(not physically. duh)
butttt in denial, i find myself abhoring you for everything you do.
and even for the littlest things you dont do.

really.
i really as hell wish we werent tog in this smal small hospital.
youre nice and all that,
but somehow i get the tinge of childish intentions
that i hardly regard as any emotional significance to me (:

oh on the other hand,
im distracted by keiboy's coming!
yessss 28ish more days. WOOT.

see. thats why i love him. that boy of mine!
finallllly got a ticket after.... a month plus of searchin?!?!?
oh man. i loveeeeeeeeee you b.
no wonder im so in love with the fact that im not with the other you.
it really hurts cos u miss someone deeply,
which is natural in all honesty.
but when you think about it-
its not abt what happened or DIDNT *cough cough*
or abt what he CALLED you. the names and the violence.

the future is my gift now.
(and im pretty convinced yougot the whole cabrini in the palms of ur hands)
i'll mk this the best year jst by being ignorant of you
and doing better.
better than you.

awkward drunkness again?

oh god. another night of shitdrunkness.
i swear im gonna kill someone. with my eyes.
haha.
no really. like LITERALLY kill.

went to Lucky Coq last night. on chapel cnr high st.
let me jst say, its not pronounced as "coke" or however elegant you wanna sound,
its jst that- COCK.
(i figured frm public humiliation of tryin to be as glam as glam can account)
hahs.
anyhoots-
i ended up pisseddddddddd. and dilini and i walked home from there. WALKED HOME.
without shoes on, clearly.
my feet were killin me. blisters and a limp. wow.

anywayyyy i danced, sillyly,
played pool. lost.
played space invader w steve! won. (: hah
and then i made a total arse of myself, spending 50bucks on alcohol.
ok and those still ignorant- aussieland has the cheapest booze.
But no, i spent 50 bucks on alcohol. so divide that by 3.30bucks a pot.
andddd u get my alcohol tolerance level. ha.

anywayyyys i further shamed myself by waiting ard fer sam to come back frm the toilet jst to say bye.
and not be rude.
we've both been rude lately. honestly!
and all i get was a "ok bye"
yeapppp. bitch.
hahah sorry mind my french. im a lil hangovered on a freaking wednesday mornign ok.
leave me alone! (:

anyyyhooooots,
dil n i talked lots and i guess i feel so bad fr her.
GIVE HIM UP dil.
no really. i dont knw how to say it to you when we're face to face cos you convince me youre over it.
but i see you both, objectively,
and its... jst odd to hold onto something thats not going anywhere.

to distract!

i want lotsa babies. i knw i said 8.
but now its kindaaaaa getting hard to imagine only 8.
sooo....
hahahha.
jst a random thot i msged to keiboy last night.
funny as!
i cant believe the extent of my randomness when i drunkdial. oh god. im stupid.
haha.
cant wait to see the baby!
(:

BABY COME NOW! ilu too.

to S.

yes this is a shoutout to someone, S.
i dont think u'd even ever read this,
but i jst wanna say sorry.

i dont knw what brought us to this state of awkwardness
or silent treatment.
i mean,
everytime we meet outsida cabrini we're fine.
you joke and all,
and we're fine.
and now
we're not.
i dont knw why but im gonna say im truly sorry.

---------------------

stef: did u send the wallet alR??? (:(: love u babe. sorry for everything ): mwahhhh*

--------------------

life- i swear its some sorta sadistic way to make you sad when the werld turns a shade of happiness.
well i gues thats why its a bitch.
but still,
i cant complain-
i am in a very compromised and yet weirdly-fortunate situation.
and im happy already.

flighttttttttttttttttttttts!

ok no more flights to sg or back. except if u pay 1600 for a shitty flight. really badddd.

and it isnt a lot really
but its not supposed to be shitty!
damn it!

anyhoots.
to all in sg: i dont knw if i can go back in june!!!! DAMN IT!
oh god. the loss.

ilu* bbbbbb. thanks for the msg. (:
in cabrini now so i cant really blog. no shit.
(:

finally- the truth will set you free.

yessssss i did it.
i told my sis sawee abt keiboy.

i swear its the most horrendous feeling to have lingering in your back and bowels and tongue.
its the impending doom of it all that hits you when youre preping her up to tell the news.

but its good now.
i had DE BEST, LONGEST, most well-dreamt night on fri night.
its awesomeeee.
obviously she wasnt elated,
but she did mention tht shes got nth agst it.

RELIEF!!

and i had alcohol poisoning on the weekends.
drank wayyyyyyyyy too much on sat night at WaterMark
and sunday- God must have been so ashamed of me!
drunk-look-and-concentrating-all-my-energy-on-praying-for-the-hangover-to-go-away.
hahhhhs.

overall, life is good nw.

babbbbbbbbbbbbbby i love you
and i cant wait to see you in march. my loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
*hugs to death*
(:

happyvday??

bloggin in hospital. its a sin. i swear.

so anyways nth much to update.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY pple!
hope u all had a great one. (: boom!

i had roses frm singapore. and a HUGE box of choccos.
and i have to mention,
its like the size of A3 paper. (the chocs that is)
awesome.
and of cos,
its from my favourite, and only, boy- KEIBOY!
(: thanks my love.
mwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh *squeezes bb and nv lets go!*

ok. haha.
elikate's bday and elmo's bday is coming.
GOTTA GET GIFTS! S:
money down the holeeeeeeeeee. (:
oh wells. life is ok now i guess. not THAT bad.
time passes faster when youre distracted by work and nonsensical pple ard u.
it rocks to be hotter without trying TOO HARD (: yess you.

went to the Alfred hospital today for a lecture.
erghhs. i hate ICU thingys with absolute no core knowledge of ECF, ICF, ions, volume balance and freakingggg ionic stuffs.
oh wells. another thing to study. ):

i cant cant wait for keiboy to get his arse here!
apparently the flights are all fully booked. but lemme say that i dont care.
im sure God will find a way to bring two ppl together for EASTER right?? (:

hahaaa.
anyhoots. its friday! woot. might go out for clubbing or mayb a quiet one at home.
to solemnise my lent fridays.
okkk... i jst made that up.
whatever. point is- i need a break.
cuzzie's nt coming in june anymore. neither is flor. and i might go back in june. if my daddy lets me.
and im nt sure where my life is heading right now.
pointless wardrounds with no aim or whatsoever to direct me.

i need a job!! im so bored after hospitals. i hate to hit the books JST cos im bored.
thats jst... sad....

lost a bit of contact with a couple of ppl i wish rembrd to write or msg or SMTH.
CUZZIE youre one of them.
buwahahahah

oh yes.
and ive finally told my sis sa that i need to talk to her. its not exactly much
but its my first courageous step to being ethical and reasonable.

im jst gonna say it alll out in one breath and accept the scolding im gonna get.
i'll jst take it all at once
and hope we both get along after i survive it all.

....
i am a sad existance. oh god.

once again, its cabrini

im at the hospital.... blogging...
i really shldnt.

no, really.

(:

i have a shitlong break which is very unnecessary im sure.
anyhow,
life is ok. nothin much to update,
considering keiboy is a million miles away.
and oh yeahh he's on field camp.
i.e. no reception, no phone, no verbal form of communication (BESIDES HIS VOICE which i doubt i can hear it even if he attempted to yell out to me (: )
but you knw,
im nt mang zhang (as chinese ppl wld say it to describe anxious or impatient or worried for that matter). (:
i jst mind my own business
waiting for him to return back to civilisation.
cos when he does come back... it'll be exactly ONE MONTH till my babehhh comes to melb to visit! wooooooooots!
and i get to see Omar dearest too! that boy, i tell ya! (: (: (:

when someone talks abt how "wanted" or "ACTIVE" they are,
i have no defence.
cos i knw that im NOT active (NO SHIT) and keiboy is so far that the closest i get to him, is talking to his lil sis, jewel- my angellllllllllllllllllllllllll baby.
and that,to me, is enough.
to knw someone OUT of my family, out of thought jst 2 mths ago, has became such an essential part of my daily life.
Jewel, you sweetcheeks! ilu*.

and i cant even hold an argument when it comes to be physical with another,
or intimate you may say with another.
and you knw what- unlike you and youre im-so-hot-im-getting-anyone-i-want-and-youre-not ego,
i take pride and joy that i have someone who loves me and i love even more back.
and that, my dear,
is smth you cant even compare to, with your sleeping-ard-to-look-wanted ethnics and what not.

i dont even need to touch him, to feel him.
i dont need to talk to him, to converse with him.
i dont need to buy him things, to show his worth.
i dont need to hug him, to get his warmth.
and i dont need to kiss him, to knw he loves me. and is waiting for me. all the time.

that will always be enough. (:

yonkers!

at Cabrini Hospital blogging.
HA.

ive done all my required work (and i shant do more. heheh)
and ive got 2.5hrs break.
so yeah. here blogging.

got no more internet at home.
not even my neighbours' ones to tap.
so yeah. i wont b updating so often now.
(:

life's ok.
better i guess,
knowing that keiboy is coming in marchhhhhhhh
esp to celebrate Good Friday and EASTER with me. wooooooooot! (:
cant wait.

and yepp,
Cabrini is awesome,
with our own professional ID cards and hospital pass with free staff carpark and what not. (: woots.
i cant waitttt for the rest of the year! (:
and everyone knows everyone so its a close bond (tho some ppl really get up my nerves. erghh)
and all the staff esp the librarian are awesome! (:

im actually full on studying with no complaints.
and im not stressed-stressed like i usually am due to my ineffectuality.
now im ready.
i wont say im doing reallyyy well in bedside learnings and wardrounds,
but im trying.
and im not shy to make an honest, open mistake and learn.
WOW. im a changed woman. Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo (:

and yeah,
a lot of times i get reallyyyy frustrated that someone keeps putting on top of the list when it comes to a lost item, or whatever.
(basically, when smth goes wrong and someone needs to take the blame)
and its not me.
pls. im nt that low.
and i get so annoyed when you conveniently assume im the one who fucks up shit
and does stupid things to get some form of unruly attention.
and im NOT the one you can pick on.
jst cos im silent abt stuff, doesnt mean im consenting to you treating me inferiorly.

go tell the all the pts and wards why dont you, abt how unsatisfied you were with me.
tell the werld, even one of my girlfrens, how discerning i am to you.
maybe thats why im tryin so hard in Cabrini,
i need to make a point
that if theres one person who'd feel lower than plankton in this place,
its gonna be you.
jst cos you've got riches and name and oh-all-that-superiority-you-radiate,
doesnt make you better.

why didnt i go rural. i love cabrini,
but colleagues only go so far.

-----
i miss you babyyyyyyyy love.
cant wait to cya.
i knw you do. (:
mwahhhh. my love.

errrrrrrr. righto.

things are taking a lil turn in my life.

sometimes i doubt i'll ever move on
or live the same again.

i lost someone precious.
precious as gold, to a place bigger and better than this.
and i mourn her every night.

i wish you well my lil angel,
save a seat for godma.
(:
tears in heaven.
classic song to end the sorrow.
----------------------------------------------------

life is ok.
i must say, more ppl support my situation than i initially thought.
ppl unexpected. (:

you knw when your mom tells you "mothers know best"
they really do.
and tho we dont always wanna hear what they have to say to us,
they ARE our mothers and its not by choice.
its fate, lets call it.
and sometimes we resent the way they judge or scream before we even get to explain ourselves,
but for once,
i actually see her thru a mother's eyes,
and when you need words of comfort and support the most (while expecting the worst),
...
you'll get that support you need.

thats why i love my mommy.
and im bloggin it out loud cos ppl treat her unduely lately
and i hate to see her like that.
i cant believe how sometimes, even your own sister can treat you so terribly
and all you can do is cry a lil inside.
mommy, ilu* and im sorry things are like that for you.
i really do love you mommy.
(:

---------------
i stay home all day. all night. alone. rightooooooo.
ever since i went out with stevie the tv!, logic, jas, and all the other frens of mine, (well most of em),
i feel so guilty inside.
sometimes, cos i know they have a thing for me.
sometimes, cos they mk a move on me.
sometimes, cos im afraid they might.

so i leave early to avoid any awkward silences
and end up, here, once again, alone. even on a thurs/fri/sat night.
(which no girl in melb shld be!)