dockie.

yday we went docklands fer a nice nice niceeeeeeeee dinner.

it was another clark quay- only that we have REAL yachts and high-high restaurants,

unlike sg's junkboats and plastic bags/tissue paper floating ard randomly.

OH WELLS.

today shall be kfc then! woooties!!!!

uni is ok, not FUN FUN but bearable.

there sure is tension when certain *cough* ppl meet other *cough* ppl

but you knw things like this happen.

all you gotta do is IGNORE.

(:

weekends are ALMOST here

but I DONT WANT THEM THIS TIME!!!

belly welly is leaving

and i dotn wanna start another life here alone in melb,

wishing i was dead.

yes, dead. (its not an overstatement btw)

oh wells.

even when we DONT say a thing at dinner,

or whilst lyin on the bed,

or when we pms over our periods,

or sigh over our losses at Crown.

even when we're quiet over the internet,

or rude picturetaking on my part,

or whatsoever,

i still had the cosiest, nicest time with her.

and for this, and so much more,

thank yew belly. ilu*

YAY. thank god fer tuesdays.

//US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (:(:(: my childhood sweeeeeetie.

//this is us! on Bourke Street. the main city of melbourne.//this is where my soul resides to. St Francis church.

//us @ Smith Street- all the factory outlets. SHOP AHHHH!

yes. every tuesday, half of med students have no uni.WOOOOOOOOTS! (:

yday went to crown with bel. YES AGAIN.

LOST AGAIN.

you wouldnt believe it! we were UP our capital by 200 plus and we continued til we lost everything.

YES so now we're emo and depressed.

oh righttt. emo MEANS depressed.

tsk.

(: butttttttttt to kill off the negative neurons running thru our synapses,

we're going to have KFC for dinner!

the mostttttt fattening thing in aust. YES IT IS btw.

andddd we're going to be non-taitais by....

1. washing the car

2. cleaning up the dirty place. eeeeeeeeeewk!

3. clear the BEEEEEEG dustbins! (the manager scolded us today you see. haha)

4. cook maggi meeeeeeeeee! (: no more to-gos!

and many manyyyyyy more.

i suppose you expect more,

but living out there, alone, in the wide wild world,

you'll be glad we're not savagers yet. (:

OCD.

yes i feel lk i have OCD to be blogging at .... 7 am in
the morning
in hope that the new year will be better than the last.
of cos it wld be, actually,
cos' im attending the FIRST DAMN LECTURE OF THE YEAR at 8am in the morning.

woots to rach!

(you see, i never attend lectures. ever)

wells,
to worsen the monday blues mood,
ITS 8-5 EVERYYYYYDAY OF THE WEEK except tuesday.
God is fair, i tell myself every minute im alive.
poor belly has to occupy herself with .. pretty much shopping.
rightooooooooo

anyhowwwwwwwwwws,
im gona be late if i dont start taking my TWENTY MIN WALK in 14 degrees to uni now.
wahhahahhaa.

i amaze myself with the thought of a cold cold death jst for the sake of an education i have no more energy left to complete.
but for what its worth,
ITS SECOND YEAR TIME!!! (:

to all starting YET another shite year of uni,
goodluck and kudos to you!
sureeeeeeee sucks to be you. (:(:(:(:

(i told you i have OCD)

missin' chu.

its the 23rd.
yes. uni starts in 3 damn mofo days.

belly is getting bored i tink.
i pity her. clayton IS a hoey suburb you see.
everyone's tired from surfing.
im sick. down with a bad case of phlegm-y cough and cold.
SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

why arent chu here to take care of me
and ensure i take my medication every day?

ohwells.
thats the shit part of life.

courage to accept the things i cannot change.

missin' chu.

its the 23rd.
yes. uni starts in 3 damn mofo days.

belly is getting bored i tink.
i pity her. clayton IS a hoey suburb you see.
everyone's tired from surfing.
im sick. down with a bad case of phlegm-y cough and cold.
SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

why arent chu here to take care of me
and ensure i take my medication every day?

ohwells.
thats the shit part of life.

courage to accept the things i cannot change.

jan juc surfin!!!

//the 2 hr drive does things to pple. ):
//surfin chics. //THIS IS HOW FUCKING MESSY MY HOUSE IS. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.

//YA LA. i knw what ure thinkin.

we went surfingggggg at torquay's jan juc beach.

LOTSA HOTTT BLOKES.

ooooooooooosh =) *licks lips-.

nth else,

but I GOT A FUCKING GOOD TAN. WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

first day home.

it was an exciting day
even tho nth significant happened.

first, went to get my CAR! aaryanna you are NEVER forgotten
heheh.
ohhhhhhhhs.
and we went to chadstone.
ate at pancake parlour.
we went grocery shopping,
car wash,
LOTSA PETROL
and all that stuffs.

YOU WLDNT BELIEVE IT.
we ran outta petrol halfway on the princes highway
and had to stick our heads out of the car to get to the nearest petrol station.

belly n i were SHIVERING,
SWEATING like free,
praying our hearts for redemption
and a petrol kiosk of cos.
hehehhehehe.

and we made it JUST at the petrol stand.
HOW BLESSED ARE WE.

oh yes! we even had an express manicure at chaddy.

an eventful day aye say?
(: i cant believe im homeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
yesyes
melb is where I call home.
cos' its where i cant live without in.
(:

and to my oochie koochie:
THANkS FOR THE MSGS
happy ash wed (if its meant to be a happy thingo)
hahaha
thankssssss for the letter too! sweeeeeeeeeet cheeks!
heh.
i cant wait to see you in july.
BETTER COME QUICK.
mwahhhhhhhhhs*

shout outs. final goodbye

oooooosh.
cny is almost over for me.
sniffsniff.

im leaving sg tmr.
in EXACTLY 24 hours.

no remorse.
maybe a lil bit of mourning for chris my brudder.
and a lot of missin' of GIRLFRENS-
churchies: sad to say WE NEVER MET ONCE. KNN!
and for all my other frens,
SD club: ure all gone anyways, but nonetheless, imu everyday.
meiiii marilyn: im sorry. but I LOVE YOU and you knw youre my ONLY MEI right?? mwahhhhhS*
megg: BESTIE WTF ARE YOU??? i miss you andddddddddddddddd wish to see you sooooon okie? visit me sometime. and we'll paint the town (as usual) wahhaha. mwahhhhhS* i need you.

and many many others.
scullyn belly: (bel we'll meet at the airport) scully i miss you. sorry we met so lil. i wish we had more time tog. ure still my childhood-longest-funniest-eurasian friend. (: and ilu too!
josh gerk elmo: wahkao! last week never see u guys a wink man. but i spent most of my time with you all.so thanks a mill. you guys rock every bit of my hols (not LITERALLY. *winkwink* hahahha)mwahhhhs* and GROUP-HUGSSSSSSS!

and of cos'
a new you:
we spent ALOT of motherf*ckin time tog la.
you taught me to be vulgar. hahah (yes ITS YOU. i dotn care)
and i learnt a lot of tings.
if we had it OUR way, we'll name our first son Chris, in memory of our bro Chris.
and many many many memories to keep and rembr.
i wish we had a few more YEARS before i left (thats hw much i miss you)
but you knw i still do.
and alwyas will.
that person alwyas at the back of my head. hahahahha. (:
mwahhhhhhhs baby love. you gottttttttt me! (:

star cruise- aka loveboat.

//us! in the cabin.
//on the deck!!
//aiya, IJ pose la.
//mother n me. LOOK ALIKE ANOT??
//us- ready for BINGO!

some pics to lighten this boring, non-updated blog.

yes.

the cruise to malacca/nowhere was ALRIGHT.

mostly cos' the damn place had selective times to eat.

and places to smoke.

and ppl to hang ard with.

TOO MANYYYYYY NEHNEHS.

this is not an understatement.

even my curry frens will agree with me when i say that curry ppl arent exactly good company on a LOVEBOAT.

yes.

my mummy was pure racist

and to top it off,

she was constantly scolding me for not being with her.

SHE WAS IN THE DAMN CASINO HALF THE TIME LA.

KNN!

):

but overall...

was still worth the.... 3oo+++ bucks.

next time, it'll be with FRIENDSSSSSSSSSSS.

like... the SD CLUB OR SMTH! (: (: (:

oh wells.

a special thankyew to lionel tan lee meng:::

for the whole 3 days of funfilleddddddd days and nights

and BINGO and CASINO-LOSING and EATING and passive-smoking me. hahhahahah.

ilu******** thanks for the perfect memories! (:

i will miss you.

oh valentine.

//what i got frm chu! isnt that like, the sweetest thing?
okay okayyyyyyy i knw.... i always like these kinda things.
personal perspective.
CANT HELP IT LA!

anyhowwwwwwwwwww
today is the love boat day! -star cruise.
wahhahahahhaa.
we'll prolly be sitting ard playing bingo! all night.
lol.
OH YES, becky sis is back frm LA.
WOOT! (:
ermssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
yday lionel n i went to the park agn near the esplanade/marina thingyyy.
it was still sweeeeeeeeet la.
no matter how many times we've been there!
thats what its like when youre in bliss, they say.

nw im late for packing fer the cruise.
and im missing you
that in itself distracts the fuck outta me.
wahaha.

ohhhhhhhyesh.
and to all-
happy valentine's day everyoneeeeeeeee.

yes, even you dim.

doctor doctor.

went to mount E agn for Nana's eye checkup.
overall ok! YAY CONGRATS NANA on your finally- achieved eagle eyes. (:
nw she can spot every damn flaw on my face la!
KNN!! hahahah ayes what to do.
God is fair right.

ohhhhyes.
a random post of emotions.
overfilled with thoughts and wasted philosophies.

i was at the hospital today
when i met a millionnnnnnnnn pregnant moms.
some SPGs with angmoh guys.
some REALLY young moms. with no husband accompanyin them.
-grieves-

but what felt awkward wasnt the age/race/company of these mommys.
it was the pregnancy in itself that struck me.
i dont knw whats the feeling.
its not a blunt one.
but a sense of loss, kinda thing.
mayb aaryanna wasnt meant to be.

but knwing jst how i cldve been alike a lot of these women,
i felt sorry for myself.
(once agn a selfpity at its worst)
i felt disappointed.
why does God let the people we love the most hurt us
and cause our downfall?

cos' freewill, says He.
no one chose to be hit/r***d/abused or used.

but i didnt, either.

ta yi ding hen ai ni.

i lied.
im still thinking.
every second that i sat there,
whether i was staring at John (yes ant's bro was at 163),
or into thin air-
i was thinking.

i lied.
i cant quit faggin.
its a sin to me-
to be drowning out my sorrows and worries with lies and denial
whilst hoping i had an outlet (such as a cigg) to defend my ignorance.
yes, i lied.

you cant lie to a liar.
i always believed.
so if you're in denial for smths,
its pointless to 'cover it up' with a wee bit o' ignorance.

i wish i cld tell you
hw much remorse i had for myself
jst now.
jst tinkin of where ive gotten to today.

i am nth.
i got nth. ok maybe YOU.
but thats nth when we get practical.
cos' you cant get me stability.
you cant make me successful or capable.
you dont knw what makes me happy.
though you try ever so hard to.
you cant make australia treat me better.
though im happier there, things cld be better.

i didnt knw what she meant or still means to you.
its hard to admit it,
but its true.
why you think so much each day, or keep her msgs,
i will never understand.
how you managed to think we didnt have a chance and so you conveniently took off with someone else,
that i can never erase frm my fuckin head.
what made me think incessantly abt you n her,
i will never forgive myself.
i was happy for once w you n maybe my arrogance got the better of me,
that i will never have again.

i was happy with the thot that you'll alwyas be mine.
no matter the situation.
but now im unhappy with the thot that she'll alwyas be yours.
no matter the intensity of your love.
im unhappy with how you force yourself to believe you stil love me,
no matter hw much you miss her.
but im happy with how i force MYSELF to tolerate it with ignorance,
no matter hw much i wanted you.

i hate walking thru that door smiling like i mean it,
and then walkin into the lift of shame and remorse-
where i reside in at the end of our night together,
where i cry myself into believing things can only get better.
i hate smiling like a turd to make everyone else happy
and then come home to my bed of thorns,
where i weep for the self-desolation i brought upon myself.
where i cry myself to sleep each night.

-=love me=-

yay yay.
last night ~11pm-4.45am: the singapore river park.
(:

watttttttever its called.
we walked for HOURS lah. hahaha
(of cos with random sitdown-lets-not-get-up moments. heh)
ohyes
and Coffee Club chillin' w a dose of Harry's. SHIT. i hate harrys.
its where depressed ppl go for their last drink, hoping to redeem their shitlife,
but end up ending it the moment they step out.
HAHA. not being kuazhang, reallyyyyyyyyy la!

anyhoooows,
My official romantic place in sg is that park.
except for the stares frm this old ahpek who looks like a stalker
and random emo ppl sitting on the edge of the bridge-y thingo.
(:(:(:(:(:

i like last night. i'll rembr the LAMENESS and DRAMA-MAMA times.
i'll memorize the look on your face when i did smth stupid
like FALL OVER A PIECE OF AIR (*&!#^$^%$^#@
or do smth really lame.
or tell a med joke that only I LAUGH AT. yes yes pardon me.
or even jst SIT THERE and watch you.
or when i sa jiao jst a weeeeee bit.

im leavin for melb in....10 days.
i wont lie that im sad cos' i have been dying to leave this oven for over 2 mths now.
and the excitement of being a better med student is incomprehensible.
i wish to quickly finish med up and do surgery (if i can)
and mayb i can come home, finally, proooooooud and worthy.
but i knw,
i will MISS this place ever so much.
and certain ppl who drive me crazeeeeeeee jst tinkin of them.
i swear i cld hit the roof jst missing ppl.

and so this early vday note cum leavin msg is fer you:::
i've dreamt you into life.
and everyday i feel fresh and loved.
maybe it was selfish to expect everyone else to give us up jst for each other.
and im sorry she n him have to suffer that way.
but i dont regret doing so,
cos' its been a while since ive really lovedddddddd
or even wanted to.
and for everything you are to me
thankyew sweeeeeetheart.
(: ilu* my oochie koochie honey bunny.
wahhahaha. (: misses and kisses.

pictures.

//elmo gerk josh. THREESOME!
//my bday boy.
//elmo n josh gay ard.
//call us crazeeeee.

//danielle cussie. HOT STUFF. //rock steady. wahhahaa

//us.

//my twinnies on laura's bday bbq day!!
//nana. my werldddddd
//lim bei. (:

//me n marilyn meiiiiiiii.
//our darlie smileeeeeeeeee. //ok this is jst IJ at play.

//awwwww. are these the eyes you melt for?

this wld be an understatement.

the past few days were good.
(thats really an understatement)
altho i must say, other unfortunate things happened along the way.

been ard abit.
newton treat by mother for me n lionel (*^#*$&%^@#)
andddd tmr is mahjong day for us!
andddddd yday i met 2 cousins + lionel.
(:

why do ppl not believe that im capable of loving again.
like SERIOUSLY?!?!?
talked to becky online. she's coming back on tuesday frm LA.
and she told me abt her convo with daddy in LA
and they BOTH think im delusional or smth-
basically- incapable of loving or being loved.
ISNT THAT WHAT I JST BLOGGED ABT A WEEK AGO???
gosh*
ppl are driving me mad jst reading my damn mind.

i am very capable of loving btw becks.
you knw nth abt staying faithful
so dont judge how i do.

stuck in a moment.

church- lunch w gor at railmall- mummys hse at holland.

i've been gg ard places this week.
with a person i wish i cld openly blog abt.
its nt cos of guilt, or mistakes,
but cos im trying with my utmostttttt effort to respect you
and give you the time you need.
YOU NEED IT.

we all do. sometimes.

yday we went to punggol (sp?????????) to a restaurant called Bliss.
REALLY BLISS LAH! except for the hair. hehehhee.
but it was an awesome cafeish thingo by the small lake-y thingy.
ANYHOOOOW,
it was sweet
the walk ard the park was sweeeeeeeter la.

had a call frm sm1 unexpected. sm1 i tot wldve hated me by nw.
but im thankful you understand (: thankyewwwwwww.

haiyaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
i talked to joshua gorrrrrrr on the phone.
as alwyas. whahaha.
anddd as retarded as he is sometimes (or most of the time- sorry gor. ilu!)
he gave me good advice yday.
he said-
in every rship (im stuck in the middle of),
ONE person has to suffer.
and I will take the blame for that.

but in this case, its TWO! Thats not fair.
if i had been nice and smart enough to use my BRAINS and keep my mouth shut,
3 ppl wldve been happy and
I will take the glory of this.

YES 3 compared to ME- 1.
thats not fair, rach. i tell myself everyday.
if only i knew how to rewind time
and stayed a nun in the first place! roarrrrrrrrr.
rach- ure a walking imbecile. i swear.

im sorry i cldnt force myself to love you anymore.
--------------------
you got to get yourself together
you got stuck in a moment
that you cant get out of.
dont say that later will be better
NOW you're stuck in a moment...

worst sleep.

ok i realised how sad my entry titles are...
worst day of my life.
worst moment of the day.
worst everything! and now,
worst sleep. ):

it really was!

i met meiii marilyn at suntec. catch up session NOT LONG ENUF OK!
hahaha we gossip like tutu trains la. incessantly keke =D
and thennn met jeremy and lionel and ian.
went randomly many places la.
even pool la. (those who knw me will knw hw ashamed i am of my 'skills')
hahahaha.
anyhow im was only the commentator. arent they lucky?? (: (: (:

ohhh then went coffee club in town la!!!
i looked most inappropriately dressed la.
knwing me. aiyaaaah. cmi.

anyhooooooooow,
got home at... 4 am litat.
and i slept at 6.30 a-f*ckin-m la!
YESSSS and worst part of it all,
i had countless nightmares of the usual abuse, force, violence, escaping, ETC.
anddd i walked ard my hse the entire morning frm 8 till.... NOW.
thts hw much i slept last night.
YES. insomnia at its strongest! ):
and its not caffeine or anything u knw.

its a worried-yet-i-dont-knw-what-to-do state.
HELP! my minds a mess la.
the last time i tried to explain my misconduct/mistreatment,
it ended in tears and utter pain.

i ALWAYS plan a whole speech in my mind to tell you,
then when i get to the point of SEEING you,
i couldnt have looked any more dumber.
every word i memorized so clearly just disappear frm my mind,
as if i didnt practise it into life.
(which i did btw)
and when we're all alone,
its an absolute still werld,
until i break the silence with a lame joke i DONT get how i manage to tink of.
erghhs.

but your silence is serenity to me,
for the courage to accept the things i cannot change.

one funny thing i read in this World Book Encyclopedia.
you knw, the 8932953 book editions kind for display.
ANYWAYYYYY
i was reading "what do hands and feet do" for Delia out of boredom at 8 damn AM today,
and i came across an old couple holding hands.
and the caption read- "Hands say I love you" without saying a word.

ISNT THAT LIKE THE SWEETEST THING EVERRRRRRRRR.
seriously.
oh mannnnn.
i wish i was an encyclopedia writer la! (minus the ingenius bits of it)
but OVERALL i'll be awesooooooooome.
(:

im stil in the pits,
feeling guilty all over.
draining myself of whats left
and leaving you with nth but empty breaths.
i cannot tell you how much i wish you didnt love me this way.
so maybe she'll have a better life with you.. next time.

but i cant let you go.

ooooooOOOooosh.

oggayyyy.
the new rach is back! (ironic, ehs)
anyhooooow,
at least im back to the always-happy-no-matter-whattt state.
wheeeeeeeee

*dances ard like a turd*

EH for your info,
i DIDNT turn up for my acupuncture apptmt cos i freaked out and this wholeeeeeeeeeee box of needles that the doc was gonna use.
can faint la.
i tink if you jab me with a tattooing thingy 10 times it would stil be less painful.
YES. and stop asking why i let myself go for these kinda thingos.

lalala. im bored. butttttttttttt im meeting my MEI MEIIIIIII laterz!!
(omg so bimbo with the laterz and complex hand movements)
haha.
POINT BEING- i havent seen her since i got back la.
she's one of the IJians girl i loveeeeeee ever so much lah.
my only meiiiii (:
and im meeting her at suntec after work. (SHE's workin la. not me. tink what)
hahahhahah.
gosh* tinking abt him,
im feeling so useless. wish im working. then i wouldnt have to blog INCESSANTLY.
(yes i figured i do.)

OK NO MORE SHOPPING BINNY!
minus the shoes and bags and... shoes.... haha
i have enough. STOP STOP STOP shopping. im sucha dork. tsk.
i realise that my pharmacology books are finished. i must be deadbored.
i did one book in one week or less. HEHEHHE

YAY! my resolution is coming thru!!! (: one down.
9074389563 more to go. tskkkkkkk.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

ok i dont tink im brave enuf to guang ming zhen da and tell everyone whats spinning in my head.
righto.

so heres a quick one.

dimmyyyyy:::
im sorry.
i dont knw what to say but im jst gonna have to conk up smth now.
i miss you everyday that youre in melb n i in sg.
i REALLYREALLYREALLY do.
anddddd you also knw that im the most indecisive piece of sh*t.
who gets cheated *()^*@%#%@ in evryway possible.
and i jst felt that mayb everyone else is right, for once,
and i shld let myself be loved wholeheartedly.
and YOU KNW ME best, im so defensive towards guys and all.
but i try so hard to find one thats truly me.
but dimmmm........ it isnt so easy to find one like him.
someone who wants the same things and yet different in every way.
and i really have been trying to keep him all these while
but he's always a step ahead.
rembr we had a heart to heart talk that time abt him.
and i was crying my heart out for him more than ANYONE else.
talking abt anthony, i bearly teared a tear of regret.
but you see,
i tink you cld tell, you jst didnt say anything.
but it means everything to knw he's wasted so many years (countless to say)
waiting for someone... like me.
im sorry. forgive me.
i knw youre prolly gonna end up like J. and all the others who walk past me in uni and say bitch/whore/etc under their breaths,
but it'll be worth it. cos' theres nth left for us to try.
we want different things. you want to have fun and be commitment-less
but im the whole taitai motherly person with too much in plan for me.
and you like aston villa! for cryin out loud. hahah ok bad joke. ): sorry.

but you knw.
you will mk me feel much loved if you DONT try to patronise me.
i still wanna see you in melb when im back.
i want everything to do with you.
minus the rship part where we argue or love halfheartedly or even end up asking why the hell we're even tog.
dim ilu* for who you are. but its a company-love, rembr? we're in love with the idea that we're in love, but nt the person or the life. daddy told me that abt us.
let me go, pls?