ta yi ding hen ai ni.

i lied.
im still thinking.
every second that i sat there,
whether i was staring at John (yes ant's bro was at 163),
or into thin air-
i was thinking.

i lied.
i cant quit faggin.
its a sin to me-
to be drowning out my sorrows and worries with lies and denial
whilst hoping i had an outlet (such as a cigg) to defend my ignorance.
yes, i lied.

you cant lie to a liar.
i always believed.
so if you're in denial for smths,
its pointless to 'cover it up' with a wee bit o' ignorance.

i wish i cld tell you
hw much remorse i had for myself
jst now.
jst tinkin of where ive gotten to today.

i am nth.
i got nth. ok maybe YOU.
but thats nth when we get practical.
cos' you cant get me stability.
you cant make me successful or capable.
you dont knw what makes me happy.
though you try ever so hard to.
you cant make australia treat me better.
though im happier there, things cld be better.

i didnt knw what she meant or still means to you.
its hard to admit it,
but its true.
why you think so much each day, or keep her msgs,
i will never understand.
how you managed to think we didnt have a chance and so you conveniently took off with someone else,
that i can never erase frm my fuckin head.
what made me think incessantly abt you n her,
i will never forgive myself.
i was happy for once w you n maybe my arrogance got the better of me,
that i will never have again.

i was happy with the thot that you'll alwyas be mine.
no matter the situation.
but now im unhappy with the thot that she'll alwyas be yours.
no matter the intensity of your love.
im unhappy with how you force yourself to believe you stil love me,
no matter hw much you miss her.
but im happy with how i force MYSELF to tolerate it with ignorance,
no matter hw much i wanted you.

i hate walking thru that door smiling like i mean it,
and then walkin into the lift of shame and remorse-
where i reside in at the end of our night together,
where i cry myself into believing things can only get better.
i hate smiling like a turd to make everyone else happy
and then come home to my bed of thorns,
where i weep for the self-desolation i brought upon myself.
where i cry myself to sleep each night.