放在糖果旁的是
Beside the candies lie
我很想回憶的甜
The sweet memories that I really want to reminisce
然而過濾了你和我
And then it filtered us out
淪落而成美
A tragedy that became beautiful
沉在盒子里的是你給我的快樂
Encased in the box is the happiness you brought me
我很想記得可是我記不得
I really want to remember but I can't remember

為什么這樣子
Why is it so?
你拉著我 說你有些猶豫
You tugging me, saying you felt a tinge of doubt
怎么這樣子
How can it be so?
雨還沒停你就撐傘要走
The rain has not even stopped, you already want to leave with an umbrella
已經習慣
I have already become accustomed
不去阻止你
To not restricting you
過好一陣子你就會回來
After some time, and then you will return
印象中的愛情好像
It seems like my impression of love
頂不住那時間
Is that it cannot withstand the test of time

為什么這樣子
Why is it so?
你看著我說你已經決定
You looking at me, saying you have decided
我拉不住你
I know I can’t hold on to you any longer
他的手應該比我更暖
His hands should be warmer than mine
鐵盒的序變成了日記
The iron box’s prelude has become my diary entry
變成了空气
Turned into air
演化成回憶
And transformed into memories
印象中的愛情好像
It seems like my impression of love
頂不住那時間
Is that it cannot withstand the test of time
所以你棄權
That’s why you gave up

i think in every bad rship point,
there comes a moment when it wil suddenly be ok,
and all the morbidness and crying will eventually have to stop.
and those 4 day old PJs glued to your skin will have to peel off.

so this is my moment.
i woke up to a delightful msg frm meg the bestie.
her words were like angels' voices in my dark dark room in franga, with only a candle to drench the mood.
and i got out of bed straight away
and replied ' life goes on' and this is the best thing ive said out loud all week.
(wld u rather me say i wanna die?!?)

anywayyys....
so i got up and showered. for once.
i made coffee. (cos i think caffeine intolerance has gotten the better of me)
and i started my vegetarianism once more.
and i hate it,but then again i hated getting up and showering for 2 hrs, and looking prettier than my old doggy PJs.

it was almost like meg saved me. (not being dramatic ok but this end of engagement thingy felt like a divorce)
anddd so. apart from my emo-i-wanna-die shit today,
i want to shout out to alllll the ppl ard who sent countless msgs, msn-s, emails, calls to BUG me abt this. and i hate to say it- i HATE HEARING IT WILL GET BETTER IN TIME. im not leona lewis.

but i knw the concern. and im realllllly thankful for the patience and care and love sent.
and i wanna send it all back to you guys.
(: namely,
- SCULLY (your bugging really kept me distracting from stupid things heheh),
- BELLY (for your own experiences and it made me feel so much more better),
- linn (your littlest wellwishes really helped no matter hw far u are frm me) ,
- kerf (STOP THINKING I STARVE MYSELF CAN! hehe)
and of cos- Meggg.
- MEGGGGGG: for knowing what to say when. and always calling/msging to check on me. and for taking your time out from ur holiday here with Ming to comfort and listen. and best of all, for listening without saying or judging. thats y ur my lil angel (:

I LOVE YOU ALL.
(wow havent said that in a while...)
and sorry to drown all of u here with my tears and emoness. i really tried.
and today, im outa my bed, and heading tohospital with blood shot eyes.
but who cares right?
at least my life is going on. (:

I guess this time you're really leaving
I heard your suitcase say goodbye
And as my broken heart lies bleeding
You say true love is suicide

You say you're cried a thousand rivers
And now you're swimming for the shore
You left me drowning in my tears
And you won't save me anymore

I pray to God You'll give me one more chance, girl
I'll be there for you These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what love can do
I'll be there for you

I know you know we're had some good times
How they have their own hiding place
I can promise you tomorrow
But I can't buy back yesterday

And baby you know my hands are dirty
But I wanted to be your valentine
I'll be the water when you get thirsty, baby
When you get drunk, I'll be the wine

I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe I want to be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal the sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what a love can do
I'll be there for you

And I wasn't there when you were happy
I wasn't there when you were down
I didn't mean to miss your birthday, baby
I wish I'd seen you blow those candles out

i havent stopped crying since last night.
i just dont knw how to.

the tears just keep flowing. and the only way you deal with it, is to talk thru it.
but everytime he asks 'do u want to work this out?'
i dont answer,
not cos i dont want to try, but im tired.
ive cried thruout today.
till now.
and the days almost over but i havent.

im still crying
and i just cant stop.
i dont knw how to feel anymore.
i thot the wedding was off,
but i never knew the rship was reaching it.

and if this rship ends or goes down the drain,
i will never love again.
no one.

so money is what mks the world go round.
but if my first engagement was ruined by money issues, i'd turn into a hobo.
my FIRST and supposedly ONLY engagement is over.
ended. like an era that was waiting to crash.
and im back to being the girl who doesnt believe in anything romantic anymore.

this is probably the worst entry i'll ever have to post.
):

the wedding is off. postponed. cancelled. whatever lets u slp at night.

no more.
spent 2.5 hrs last night from 12am till 2.30ish talking abt it.
holding back the tears so he cldnt hear the pain.

then when the convo ended, so did allll my plans, dreams, appointments, wedding dress + rings.
THE RINGS. wtf will i do with his ring, my engagemt ring and my wedding band?!?!?!?!?!?!
):

its a lot of work to get stuff done.
and now its MORE work to undo them.

i died a lil (more like A LOT) inside last night.
didnt sleep a wink AT ALL. stayed up all night tryin to rembr hw we got here in the first place.
and wish we never put ourselves in a situation we cldnt get out off.
and now,
i realise, im crying cos ive got too much into this wedding. and i refuse to let it go now.
NOW. after 6 mths of engagement. of planning. of talkng and inviting ppl to it.
of EVERYTHING!

so now, im make-up-less. with sunnies. cos of poofy eyes.
and i cant talk to dot. every time i hear her voice i cry cos she was there last night at 3am when i needed to talk to sm1.
she was going to be my brides maid.
and now its all ruined.

i dont want to face another soul who is gonna ask me 'hows the wedding', hows this, hows that.
cos there is not gonna be one.
soo all those who said "youre too young" or " so fast??" or whatever-
FUCK YOU.
you dont knw what its like to finally have the one person u love, love u back enough to want to marry you.
you dont knw what it feels like when he says' be my wife' and you fit .
none of u knw what its like to have all that taken away.
its so rare to have such an honest and pure rship with sm1. and have to withstand all the fuckups the family has to give.
and now,
its like a bit of myself is taken away.
all cos of a lil money issue, the whole shebangs was planned wrongly frm the start.
and cos' of a lil fuckin convo that shldnt have started at all.

and now,
if u dont mind,
i'd like to drown in my tears, here in franga.
and NOT attend my shifts for a while.

and if u can help it, pls dont touch me.

so what did i do today at tute, when i was put down, once again,
by the know-it-all-but-phrase-it-unnecessarily-chim colleague?

I stood up. I stood out.
I didnt consent to him putting me down with tone, dictions and Loudness.
and I proved my worth.

I stayed up all night reading about friggin' contraception, breech birth, etc etc
till detail was my middle name.
and i was exhausted, starvingggggggg and totally not suitable to be awake at all.
but I did it! (:

I answered evreything i could, and those i couldnt, i accepted the knowledge.
and it was brilliant.

I was emo and helpless for once.
I took it in my stride. and MAN WAS I AWESOME TODAY.
who knew Kleihauer and Hannah would be two awesome tests/articles that gave me one up on others.
and its not arrogance, let me say, but awesomenesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. (:

now now,
what else do u wanna know?? (: EHEHHEHE

im sad.
crying- sad.

im tired. burnout.
from tryin too hard in Obs& gynae.
it shldnt be this hard.

i really try.

and i do so, cos IM THE OBSTE-fuckin-TRICIAN in this course.
i chose it.
I WILL BE IT.

why is it istudy all the time, yet i cant get any qns right.
and theres a bastard who repeats MY answers in a chim-er way and gets complimented?
WTF is with that?!
its fucking annoying.
and i wish ppl just disappear from frankston.

im very tired.
and im crying cos i dont know anyother way to deal with it.
wel, smoking. but thats different. im alr ON that. so yes.
i cry.
to somehow, hope that the pain will be dripped away in each pearl of teardrop
and i wont feel it anymore.
and to somehow, hope that the weariness will eventually wear out with my effortless weeping.
and i wont need to cry anymore.
and in every absurd way,
i wished the sunlight in franga, didnt wake me up this morning.

thers just no other way.

deliveries

im at franga's maternity ward and shouldnt be blogging right now
(if sm1 finds me. im dead. DEAD)
anyhoots.
im happpy today! (well happier than yday as i was down with 39.4degree fever!!!! sniff)

i delivered TWO babies today.
and not standing back watching (like most ppl would prefer to do)
i stepped up to it today
(IN A BLACK TOP AND PANTS. not very smart choice)
and delivered TWO BABIES.

caught the head coming out, got shat on (moms cant ctrl their shitbut i dont mind), got pee all over my top.
and even delivered a baby while the mom did the erect position. WICKED i say.
oh wells.
just wanna share my joyw everyone!
tk cr. and ttyl world!!!

(: wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

wedding band

this is keith's wedding band!!! (: nice??
titanium and white gold finish. (:

i am bored. and dreading going back to frankston today
buttt i knw i have to. (unfortunately, conscience is a b*tch)

butttttttttttttttttttttttt just to update-
ive picked my wed dress!
and flowers!
and deco/theme!
and got my weddng band!
(left with keiths wedding band. TSKTSK)
anddddddddddd
we've got an apptmt to visit the Galley venue in Admiralty when i get back.

so most is set. just gotta get down to freakin saving.
veryyyyyyyyyyy fun. ):

im broke alr!!! ):
well, thats marriage, isnt it?!
and the church we picked is Good Shepherds. on middle road.
so yeahh ppl, save up too! for ur bridesmaid dress.
hahahha

(:
i cant wait for everything to happen, and fnally be a normal couple. with no hassles of shit.
(: WHEEEEEE.

i miss allu guys reading. BELLY, TIFFIE, SCULLY.
wher r u all huh?! (:
xxxxx

you can never ever even start to comprehend the pain and immense sorrow one feels to lose your own child before your own life.

and so, my crappy emo self and useless rantings aside, i want to dedicate my heart and thoughts and alllll my misbeliefs to Charles S Jr and Charles S.
God has a heart bigger and greater than you can understand right now.
but He will carry you.

this is not about letting go.
its about the simplest notion you could possibly allow.
its about trusting the greatest, yet single most humble, person you have left- (besides my mummy!) God.

and he will carry you.

wooooooooots

in frankghanistan's maternal ward. lol.

boredddd. no ones in labour yet. so im praying.

its pouring outside.

my umbrella was blown awayyyyyyyyy and i had to stop walking in the pouring rain cos my umbrella cut my face!!! thanks to the stoopid wind.

anyhoooooots.

to all wondering wheretf i am now.... check out fb. got more pics there and stuff.

buttttt.... as usual....

some things cant be shown on fb (lack of privacy lol)

soooo.... ive uploaded some pics. esp for belly & scully & tiffie. my childhood

buddies!!! (; its my wedding dress!!! lol!! which one u like better? the skinny one with a train or the poofy white one. (NB. the ivory colored one will be IN WHITE, not ivory)

and they call it frankghanistan

this is the rural-ness of frankston on the peninsula

and this is the road i drive to get to Rosebud hospital. EVEN FURTHER DOWN from frankston.

and this is a subrural hospital. REALLY NOT THAT BAD ..... lol

im in frankston. kinda btwn rural and metropolitan victoria. VERY UNCOOL.

):

have to live in frankston, monash's accomodation. cos its tooo far to drive here at 5am every morning.

so here i am. in my corner of the house.

on my hospital-linen-lined bed. ):

and i aint moving!!! the kitchen is APPALLING OK. (pics will be on fb soon).

sigh 9 weeks here. but im not giving in ! im driving home evry weekend to keep myself sane. cos im really looney here. ):

alright. 4 days to keiths arrival1!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOT! cant wait to c my babeh!!! (: