dont sweat the small stuff.

or... even betta, dont sweat at all!
(my new motto for med)

i freaked out today cos i did shit for my MCR test.
but whyyyy?
i tell everyone that worry is wasted... so whats the logic in doing so right?

and i had a presentation today.
some interdisciplinary shit.
BULLSHIT task. and still, i worried for nth.
pple thot it was good.
and simple.
and my nursing buddy wasnt prepared at all.
she read off the paper notes and still was commended for her effort.
WOW.

so then i say,
why sweat the small stuff?

when the BIG stuff is coming right at ya
and ure running about freaking out abt the lil things that will pass in no time at all.

i got my evidence-based assignment back today.
ONCE AGAIN- not good.
and what can i do??
-nth. absolutely shit. but nth.

i did my best. or at least i claimed so.
and im sad, disappointed, of cos-
but its life.
that bitch i whine abt everyday.
(:

and its getting better.
me, and my work, my studies.
the things i do.
the effort i put into.
the time i actually slave at my waitressin job.
everything.
its good.
im tired and all, but im satisfied.

even with the whines i have.
im very contented with life as it is now.

ppl hate us.
ppl tell us everything how wrong we are to be tog.
what a mistake we're making.
but im happy with things now.

im not living for public affection or righteousness.
i dont have to be right all the time.
i dont have to adhere to social norms that i clearly dont follow.

cos' come what may, (and let me say, im LOOKING forward. hah)
we're on the right side of wrong.
we're living the way we planned.
we accept the challenges and say FUCK THEM. FUCK IT.
we're doing the matured thing by sticking to our beliefs, our love *Whatever cliche thing you call it*
we're standing our ground.
we're working hard to make it work.

its not like we're doing it to piss ppl off.

we're doing it our way
and we like it.

we work thru all the hard times and misfortune.
we pay for our own food, our own lives, our own love.
and its sth you'll nv experience till you live your own way.

read lulu's facebook note abt life and love and time.
and it was very very sweet.
so here it is...


From: The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren

The Best Use of Life Is Love.
Often we act as if relationships are something to be squeezed into our schedule. We talk about finding time for people in our lives. That gives the impression that relationships are just a part of our lives along with many other tasks. But relationships are what life is all about.

Love leaves a legacy. How you treated other people, not your wealth or accomplishments, is the most enduring impact you can leave on earth.

In our final moments we all realize that relationships are what life is all about. Relations, not achievements or the acquisition of things, are what matters most in life. Wisdom is learning that truth sooner rather than later.

The Best Expression of Love Is Time.
The importance of things can be measured by how much time we are willing to invest in them. If you want to know a person’s priorities, just look at how they use their time.

Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love it “T-I-M-E.”

The essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves. Men, in particular, often don’t understand this. Many have said to me, "I don't understand my wife and kids. I provide everything they need. What more could they want?" They want you! Your eyes, your ears, your time, your attention, your presence, your focus--your time. Nothing can take the place of that.

Love means giving up – yielding your preferences, comfort, goals, security, money, energy, or time for the benefit of someone else.

The Best Time to Love Is Now.
“Whenever you possibly can, do good to those who need it. Never tell your neighbor to wait until tomorrow if you can help them now.”

How will you explain those times when projects or things were more important to you than people? What do you need to cut out of your schedule to make that possible? What sacrifices do you need to make?

The best use of life is love. The best expression of love is time. The best time to love is now.
----------------
wow. jst wow.

however, reading that jst justifies that my ways and thoughts abt my rship w keiboy is realistic.
though its not ideal
but its real. and that really matters.

no point giving up GOALS (Which btw, i disagree with the author on this one!) and jst having "love"
and then what?
living homeless or poor all your life?
you cant live off love. we all knw that by now.

its one thing working ard your goals when ure with sm1
but the point is- you get there eventually.
but to forgo them is jst sad!
and as much as i probably dont seem to fit into this author's interpretation of love and what we're meant to do,
i think ive made the matured, informed decisions about my life and my goals and my dreams.

i didnt and will never give them up for this thing called love.
cos if it was true blue love,
that person would never let you give up sth so dear to you.

and thats why i say,
the rship we have is real.
its sincere.
its heartfelt.
its deep and incomprehensible to sooo many who judge us.
but its real.
its innocence in being.
and i dont knw how else we could be more genuine with each other. (:

this weather is such a killjoy.

it was freaking sunny and perfect spring weather when i woke up.
soo i rushed up to meet johannes (megg's bro)
and POOF the wind came.
then now, which is.... 10pm exactly, ITS POURING.
aka. FUCKING FREEZIN.

erghs.
melbourne- really 4 seasons in 1 day.
fuck that saying, im keeping my winter jackets on.

im sorry. why am i so moody...
oh yes. the dog ate my rug. my nice rug in my room. a nice RED and orangish one.
EATEN.
that biatccch.
and as well, i need a new one. tsk. im poor. a poor poor child.

and i wanna move. but i cant be fucked.
lease is up and this place is small and ugly and near to prostitutes.
but moving is sucha bitch. esp when its cold.
FUCKKKKK.
dont knw if i shld stay or pay more for rent.
):
sad sad child.
i wish keiboy was here.
then he can help dismantle my furniture and sleep on the floors with me.
(i usually end up doing so jst cos my bed isnt fixed up. lol)

I WANT A NEW BEGINNING with everyone.
everything. meeting johannes today jst made me realise a lot of things.

1. hw is my family ever gonna accept keith. even when he did nth wrong to them or sarah or me.
2. hw will this rship ever last strong enough to last the distance?
3. hw can i get as close to mich hun and any other frens when meg is still officially my bestfren whom i havent talked to in a full year? hw?
4. i miss meg.
5. i havent even told her im engaged.
6. im always broke. i need a new life.
7. i wish keith never met sarah. (but then again.. i wldnt have met him. SIGH)
8. i tolerate too many ppl (aka hsemates like fina and ....) when i shouldnt.
9. im too independent for my age that i dont knw what youth means anymore.
10. i wanna start everything over from the start and live it right. make things right before i lose the chance too. and as cliche goes- you can never rewind time so dont cry over spilt milk, right?

well fuck that.
im delusional.
and im afraid now.

life- i need another title for this piece of shit.

ok this is the part where i whine and you accept my whinings.

S:

i need to move hse cos my current lease is ending.
thats one shit.
the other is... i need to get rid of jewel. she has ruined my house, my shoes and my finances.
and the new place is NOT gonna allow pets.
thats the second shit.

then my MCR test is next week. big whoop. im fucked. accepted.
then,
i got a TRAM fine thats wayyy overdue (im too broke to pay for it btw)
and too many parties to attend that im too broke to even rsvp. thats sad aint it?
veryyy i say.

im stressed.
tahir is coming to stay with kris for a month. which also means IM FUCKED.
gotta study and accomodate a 3rd person in this tiny tiny apartment.
erghhh and in dec kris FAMILY is coming.
THATS A BITCH.
imagine like 5 ppl in a one-bedder apartment. THATS SICKKKKKKKKK.

im nt looking forward to life i'd say.
sm1 tell me everything will work itself out again pls.
im at a standstill and i cant rembr when i last smiled at the simple things in life!
like.... life in itself! or.... the cuteeee puppy i USED to own.
or sth even simpler, the days to come.
the lovelyyyyy days with my love and my family and friends.

whats with the lack of enthusiasm ard here?
is it me or did the lights go out?
at what point do we say, enough pretending?

sniff sniff. (literally- go sniffing)

i cant breathe.
my nose is clogged up and my adenoids have probably burst from the intensity and quantity of my coughing.
i have had 4 nose bleeds in the shortest time ever recorded in epistaxis period
and i haven't had a non-nasal voice since forever.

i cant even talk without having to clear my throat a thousand times.
and i am officially Rudolf's double.
(yes the red noise reindeer. are we done poking fun at patients?)
and these headaches. AHHHHHHHHHH.
dont even get me started on em!
(but u knw i will anyway (: )
its nt tension headache or cluster headache.
its like stabbing a pin right in the middle of my brainstem, deep inside my skull
and everytime this happens,
my nose bleeds.
so take the number of nosebleeds and multiple by... lets see... a million!??!?!?

oh dont even mention the soreeeee eyes.
i look like freakin Sadako from the Ring.
dont mk me post up pics to prove my point, cos i will!!! ):

im very sad.
apparently its hay fever (post winter illness)
but NOOOOO one week of antihistamines havent helped.
neither does panadol.
or codeine. or the combi!
NTH WORKS
and my eyes. ohhhh my eyes. i wear glasses noW! glasses that arent the right degree cos it isnt updated yet.
OHHHHH MY EYEEES.
and nose. and throat. and voice.
anddddd HIGH FEVER 39.4 for the past 3 days.
ohhh my brainssssssssssssss. theyre melting. *shrivels to the floor and curls in a foetus position*

i am bored.

been working all week and finally, a night with no work.
andddddddd i ruin it by finding it absolutely boring and effortless!!! ):

im reallly realllly retarded i say. S:
ooooh. for what's worth,
ive done a few PBLs and pathcases catch up!
so much left to do tho. sighhh*

i need groceries. serious groceries.
i havent eaten right since the second keith left melb.
with him, i gained 4 kgs. yes. thats how fast i upsize.
and the moment he left, my weight left too.
S: which is a good thing to me,
but bad in the sense that i eat junk.
chips, 2minute noodles, overdued milk, noodles again, takeaways etc.
i really am a walking example of crap.

anyhoots,
i worked 3 days last week so yay! more kaachinggg to pay off my medical bills.
wooooooooot.
now why am i excited... hmmm.

goodnight beeyootifoool werld.
rachie is gonna rewatch the 10 seasons of Friends! (: (: (:

more photos will come.
patience.
my net is fuckslow
and im tired from being lonely and upset.S:

missing you already.

i just got home from the airport.

life is sooooo.... ergh.

keiboy came last fri and jst left (tues)

its been only 5 days

but the best ive ever had and ever wish for.

you are my light.

my guidance.

my strength.

my hope.

my FAITH.

you are my eyes and my sight.

my hands and my touch.

you are my wish and my dreams.

my world and my everlasting love.

And i will love you.

for as long as i live. (:

S:

last night i slept for 17hrs, missed work, and need to stop eating.

im happy tho.
better.
becky was drunk, but im still mad at her. no regrets to yell at her and go all crazee abt the ONE THING i trusted her with.
oh what the bleeding fuck was i thinking TRUSTING A BLOODDDDDDDD SISTER right? tsk.

but its just 4 days till my love comes.
time passes wayyy too fast for me.
the next thing i knw, i'll be a real doctor. (yes yes im a fake one now. lol)

i read rach scully's blog entry and it was.... enlightening.
and made me more .... well... non-typical, non-stressed singaporeanish-type girl !
go read it.
AwESOME.

and jst a rip off her blog...
(thanks love! hope u dont mind. hehe)
================================

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument. Marriage is considered one milestone of life.

The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

I now say this to you: be hated. It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love. I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.
Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work - the only kind of work that I find palatable.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.
You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.
Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.
=================

nw, hw freakin awesome is that.

i hate certain ppl with a passion.
PASSION.

becky, YES IM NAMING YOU RIGHT OUT,
how dare you pick on me, someone weaker and in no position to fight back, jst cos your marriage is fucking itself up.
in fact, now i knw why it is.

stop messing ard with me. and my keith.
im not ashamed of what we have or what you said to me yday-
you are an asshole for boning your sister's fiance.

im ashamed of you. i really am.
to call urself an older sis
and take ur probs out on me.
dont call me ur younger sis anymore.
and find urself someone else to stick your nose up.

im not a CUNT nor an ASSHOLE.
youre a bigger one to call your own blood that.
m sorry. pls dont call me your sister anymore.
you merely share genetics, which btw, am shamed to even LOOK like u.

life. ahhhh. just so it.

life.

ive been fine. not that you asked.
but im fine. (:

im better. not as sick as i expected to be.
getting well.

sarah sis is back in spore. whoopiedoo.
andddd keith my love is coming to melb in.... SIX DAYS.
woot.

(: im very happy. jst cos i knw tht i'm having someone here for me.
jst me. (:
im very pms-y nowadays. (just ONLY now. hahahahha)
and its sooo annoying. everything annoys me.
everyone annoys me.
every single flaw in a person (even myself) annoys me.
every lil thing that goes agst my flow annoys me.
i think this is it- life.

and how i'm gonna be for essentially, the rest of this year. or life. or time. or... watever mks me happy.

im a pisspot. i shout alot
i roll eyes A LOTTTT now.
i ignore pple a lot.
i dont tolerate them as much.
I SMOKE MORE. damn. altho, i dont drink alcohol much anymore.
but still.

i get mad at the slightest things.
i bitch like there's no tmr. and im a total wankpot too!
S: ok enough with the swearing. nw im starting to abhor this comp too. hahhah

ok enuf rants. the love is coming soon. (: i cannnnnt wait.
i love u!
oh oh oh. and one more slight info....

HAPPY 8th MTH ANNI BABY! (:

life.
ahhhh. life. (:

officiating my countdown till keith my love comes,..
11days (almost 10 wooooot)

anyhoots.
lotsaaaa stuff to do before he gets here.
a lot of work.
food to attempt to cook.
MONEY TO EARN like my freaking job. tsk*
BILLS to pay.
books to read for my exam.
etc etc.

and so,
i must be good this week... BUT I STARTED IT BAD ALR!
i didnt do pathology case yet (which i always TRY TO hahah)
i havent even done the readings!
i havent done occupational med reading for wed
and i havent done PBL task!
and i got an MCR exam tmr.
and im scared. dont knw why.

met a 40yr old lady with multiple LARGE killable strokes.
veryyy sad.
shes got almost everythng wrong w her health.
SIGH. cant believe this.
medicine does get me a lil depressed smtimes.
NOT GOOD FOR MY HEALTH!! S:
anyhooots.

ooooooooooo sent sawee my sissy her gift alr.
WAH LAO fuck ex. anywayyyyyyy shes back frm s africa on wed so woooot to that too!
oooh andddd to flor, if u read this, i got her a gift alr so dont need to help me get one. thanks love~ xoxox !! (:

life is suchhhhh.
i need to stop working. scaring myself.
i used to whine alllllll night abt hot plates that i cant bear.
now, i carry 4 with NO WHINES AND CRIES,
and they are so bleeding hot that allt he other waitresses use napkins under the plateS!
and its soooo hot that after i finish my shift and look at my hands...
WHOA its charred reddish purple.
now THATS scary.
and u knw whats scary?
i didnt notice it. S:

yeshhhh nerd attack and workaholic attack ppl.
theres a dweeb in the house!! (: