ops/

am i outdated?
ohwelll....
UNI is simple STRESS.
hahahahahahaha im almost turning maddd with the self-studying workload.
sighs.
i miss IJ. and even taylors.
its funny
how hard we tried.
and now im figuring its all not worth it.

TODAY is my day.
i just got my P LICENCE!
hahahah first attempt oggayyyyyy.
(: heh.
-jumps ard-
now i can call my puppy and tell him to get a carrrrrr
(: for muah.
yay,
hahahahah megggg now i can drive you everywhere you want!
(: visit me to get that ride. hehe.
i love you girl!
and happy super early anni with you and A.
1 year alr yeah?
WAHHH TOO LONG ALR LAH!
hahahahahah
-switch.

ive been caught up with all tis work and stress-hair-pulling days
that i havent been updating.
basically,
ive fought with YOU for the most no. of times this life.
and i hate it.
but oh well shit happens.

and have cultivated a very sturdy frenship with jonathan goh!
(:
ive found a fren in youuuuuuuu dudeee.
heh. thanks for all the support dear.

i loved the times .
we held hands in lectures.
we dint care what they said.
you picked me up after school.
in your sexy mit lancer.
you cooked dinner for me every night.
and kept me sane.
amidst all the stress.
you taught me all that glycolysis crap
and showed me,
that nothing's too hard i cant overcome.
i loved the times.
you stood at my door
when we had a fight.
you gave me those guilty puppy eyes
when you showed up late.
you made drunk speeches
when we had it all.
i loved the times.
you called just to hear me.
and how i whined endlessly.
and you loved that tone i used.
we made it past the bitching of others.
we never stopped to care.
you made me special.
you made me,
well,
me.

you're so selective with your hearing and your concern.
you choose when you want to love.
and you pushed me aside
when you figured biomed would get you one level above me.
thats not fair.
josh,
you're hurtin me.

hate hate hate

hate life.
hate school.
hate hate hate you.

omg.
it rhymes.
(:


period.
i wish i was in jc now.
i knw tats not wat JC ppl say
but i really wish i cld.
sigh*

whats going on?

i dont knw why life has a way of screwing my life up
when i mk the greatest effort to work things out,
it all backfires on me.
once again.
and i dont appreciate the fact
that you're not much of a help by RUBBING in all the theme 3s stuffs
and fuckin abt how u havnt studied yet.
(soooo ac)
and complaining about your dad being a murderer by intending to kill you
which indirectly, is my fault.
so wtf do you want me to do?

i hate my werld.

i dont know if i should be alarmed.
i dont care really.
i just suddenly felt so lost without.
and i wish i dont have to face another FUCKED UP attitude that you give me every other day.
no,
i dont enjoy your sarcasms
and i dont appreciate your arguments.

i hate this .
i hate this .
i hate this .

and the other YOU.
you think im a waste of time.
its not like im telling you to fly around the world for me
or anything like that.
i hate your sympathetic talks.
save it.
i hate you and everything you make me out to be.
i will fag if i have to,
to get over you.
but i wont lay to rest.
to see you walk right over me,
like i dont exist.
pout*

okk.
gotta go do my routine.
get myself dead blackened.
my lungs will corrode soon.
and my guts will spill.
i'll get sickle cell anemia soon.
for all the mutations of my fuckin cells.
roar.

lifes been a-mess.

yes. its has been.
nth is going right.

well..
the only smile ive produced today happened upon seeing rio loveeeee for the first time since i got back to melbourne.
yes, thts a hell long time to be away frm someone so pure at heart,
so pure in our friendship.
so pure in our conversations.
just so, so pure.
i miss you so much my loveeeeeee rio. (:

its been a plain monday.
leaving me lost and totally constipated in my attitude towards theme 3.
woke this monday morning with the biggest smile.
and the brightest mindset that NOT all mondays suck.
and guess what.
theme 3 lectures had to burst my frail bubble today.
fuckwit.

i know med is basically abt the biochem aspects.
and its the only thing docs really need to focus on.
and honestly, ive come to accept that.
but i will not stand to let my education be vulnerable to a fugly french arse whose accent is clearly undefined.
and i will not allow myself to get tortured by her relentless teaching techniques.
300 students in ONE hall is hard enough.
but she rubs it all in.
gone is my monday morning.
and the rest of the week along with it.

so now i gotta rush off to do my own research on farkin cells and all that fark.
pisssss me offfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff.
roar.
someone kill me before i do it myself.
that erghhhhhhhhhhhh feeling just gushing thru my blood.
i really think im breakin down.

*sorry joshua.
you're just not the one.

shoooots!!

fri-saturday...
pat, elliot, josh and I had our usual friday night gatherings at my place.
(once again (: )
and it was fun.
tho plain and simple,
it was a bonding session.
like the usuals.
(:
watched a hell lotta dvds and mtvs and COMEDIES.
Jimmy F is f*cking hilarious lahhh.
wahhahaha.
we chilled and cooked a scrumptiousss dinner.
i think im OFFICIALLY a professional chef.
been cooking for the past month already
and it hasnt burnt or charred badly or anything tragic.
(:

they stayed ova
and we planned (LIKE EVERY OTHER WEEKEND) to go to a beach at 5am to watch the sunrise.
well...
shit happens, lets just say.
hahaha.
ended up hiding our arses at home the WHOLE saturday.
we cooked dinner and everyother meal at home,
without even stepping an inch outta the house.
okok. josh n i had an exception.
(:
we had to grocery-shop and get my studying desk n chair!
YAY.
finally.
though its a TOTALLY plain desk with potentially NO style.
NO drawers or whatsoever.
but im so glad i got one.
like... FINALLY!
ohhh ohhh ohhh and i love that leather wheely chair.
to roll roll roll ard the whole bloody house.
(:

today is sunday (okkayyyy)
and i attended mass for the 1st time at St Peters.
it was nice.
very communal.
unlike the city one St Francis.
but somehow,
its too italian for me.
alot of hymns were alienic to me.
and i barely kept awake cos of the ambience.
it was perfect for slumber =P
soooo decided to travel an hr every week to the city.
gosh*

now im studying (i know it sounds unlike me.)
my assignment notes.
for WEEK 7.
and its only week 3 on monday.
sighhhhh.
cos i got a huge kickarse essay of 3000words to write.
and murder myself over.
so gotttttttttta mug like f*ck.
stress stress stress.

TODAY is the hottest dayyyyy ever lived.
really.
its supposed to be fall/autumn now.
but hell isit BLOODY hot.
all of us were sweating PROFUSELY ok!
and everyone is calling me up to complain.
and ask me if they can 'borrow' my aircon.
hahahah
know whats the best parT?
MINE'S SPOILT.

damn isit killing me.
i got NO fan,
or Heater (for winter)
and my one solution to salvation is gone.
LOST.
):

i miss home!
jst talked to ad,
dad and sarah and alll the babies back home.
all the babies are sooooo cute!
i just cant imagine not seeing them and cuddling up in bed at night when i put them to sleep for another ... what... a year??
OMG.
its really a killer.
to have to go thru each day
struggling
and not have a source of support physically here.
to read and self-study alone everyday
without the comfort of SEEING
7 other sisters just keeping faith in me here.
it leaves me insane to just cope with the possibility of an emotional,
Physical and MENTAL breakdown.

no shit.
its hard to concentrate with 99%of your world back home.

i DONT know we're cool.

It's hard to remember how it felt before
Now I found the love of my life...
Passes things get more comfortable
Everything is going right

And after all the obstacl
It's good to see you now with someone else
And it's such a miracle that you and me are still good friends
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool

We used to think it was impossible
Now you call me by my new last name
Memories seem like so long ago
Time always kills the pain

Remember Harbor Boulevard
The dreaming days where the mess was made
Look how all the kids have grown
We have changed but we're still the same
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool

And I'll be happy for you
If you can be happy for me
Circles and triangles,
and now we're hangin' out with your new girlfriend
So far from where we've been
I know we're cool

-Cool. Gwen.

it wil always remain a prayer that we'll never have to reach that point one day.
but then again
we're all still so young.
and you're not ready for anything.
so im willing to compromise.
): maybe its better that way,
just forget every lovely/best moments we had
and live with the thought that we will end up friends.
i know we're cool.
eh?

gosh. so many songs bombarding meeee.
hopefully it doesnt break.
the worst is impending-
missin' you.
and yess songs arent exactly helping.
i wish i wish i knew what to say right now.

i was losing myself to somebody else
but now i see.
i dont wanna pretend so this is the end
for you and me.
cos the girl that you want,
she was tearin us apart.
cos' she's everything, everything
I'm NOT.
-Veronicas, Everything im not.

im jst blotting random lyrics ard the place.
hope someone can save me.
i miss so muchhh at home.
even YOU.
yes you.
im feeling the pits of being so half-hearted about J.
but there's just no getting over you.

.life isnt the same no more.

it really isnt.
and the irony of it all,
is when IM the waste of time, to you.

i really hate tuts. and lectures even more.
have i alr ranted on abt that ?
well lemme do it AGAIN.
its gonna murder me
one way or another.
either way,
i wouldve given up a lifelong aspiration over stress/depression.
or whatever you cal it.
):

okok.
gotta get down to business (well.... medicine actually)
and do my work.
i know its freaking midnite alr.
and tmr i got a tut practical at 9.
and theres nooooooo fuckin way i can afford to make any mistakes regarding PRACTICALS.
its jst not POSSIBLE rite??
hahaah
the innocence of men is in my hands.
buwahahahah.
okok f*ck it.
i gotta go.

(:
peaceout werld.
who knows,
tmr might just be a perfect day...
gone wrong.

i hate this life.

PERIOD.
my subject says it all.

ive had the worst two tutorials i'll ever have to go thru (or so i hope)
yday and today.
its fucking hard to even try to understand the purpose of it.
well.
tho medicine is basically ABOUT anatomy and all that fuckshit,
but i beg to differ.

its been a hell long week.
and yes its only tuesday.
jhahaha but on the lighter note (and prolly the ONLY light one)
its Must See Tuesday!!
simpsons, OC, Smallville.
ETCETC (: i like!!

welllllllll it all boils down to setting time apart for the greater good- a social life.
and i need one.
i KNOW a million pple from all walks of life and cultures and languages.
and practices.
but in tuts and lectures,
elliot, patricia dearrr, joshua and I hang out inseparably.
hahahahaha thought tuts forces me to be alone,
but overall,
we're stuck like glueeee (:
and tho its a nice feelign to have a sense of belonging to someone, to some group,
its not helping that theyre all genius in terms of academy
and im left to fend for myself,
to go 'HUH??" everytime the lecturer says a word i cant spell.
and yes,
my spelling still sucks.

its a pain to be in uni.
its a realllll PAIN.
and im talking physical, emotional, and MENTAL.
i learnt yday that being intellectually disabled means having an IQ of below 70 or above 130.
hAHAHAHA.
i BET im a negative. :(
(thats a serious note btw)

i wish i was back in spore. thanks meg and josh gorrrr for calling me all the time.
i miss you guys so fucking much.
my language is abusive now
thanks to the things med does to your brain.
yes it goes thru major degradation.
maybe i have sickle cell anemia
and thus resulting in a major blood clot in my brain.
a block that cannot be removed and thus,
staining my days forever.

i miss becky jie XXXXXXXX a million.
and sarah jie too!!!
POUTS!
i decided,
mayb i wont go home in july,
and then i can study more in the hols.
and DONT underestimate me.
i reallyyyy can study then.
i knw i have to anyway.
the pain of seeing my daddydoooo in such a distressed state cos of my laziness and abnormality would be a sin.
):

i really must start bucking up.
i need saladin's anatomy n physiology.
but its outta stock. someone pls send it to be from spore PLEASEEEE (:

hehe.
(:

of what you may say-.

what are the odds that an averagely-enthusiastic med student would be logged onto the MUSO system daily.
or even 3 times a day.
it isnt too much to expect the med MUMUS pple to at least send out some notification or signs (whatever they please)
to inform poor us of the change in timetables
and assignments outhand.

im ranting.
shit.

and i have HAVE have to change my lousy habits of splurging vulgarities whenever i please,
in aid of relieving myself of all the distress
they put on us,
let alone,
me.
roar.

having a 3 hr break now.
(AGAIN?? yes, again)
and im in the hargrave andrews library trying to figure out the purpose of libraries with mostly, computers.
not books.
LOL.
just finished First Aid training like ten mins ago.
had Gavin for a paramedic.
and he was the bestttttt teacher by farrrrr.
and his humour is to die for!!
he swears f*ck and all that shit in CLASS.
and he jokes about everything...
from...
-getting laid
-getting wanked (hehehe)
-his wife!
-doctors acting concerned (when theyre really not)
and everything else we all stereotyped about docs
yet refusing to admit.
(:

you had it all,
davin. :))))))

but now,
im stuck once again,
on the fact that i got nth to do cos i cant be fcuked to study my bio bridging course.
and yet,
theres a certain guilt eating me.
the guilt of not being able to push myself hard enough,
even with the perpetuation of a sin my soul had learned to abhor
(once again, im haunting the taylorians with our lit! (: )

oh wells.
tk cr ppl.
and i missyou all back home.
alll my love to you guys.
and wait for me yeah. (;
esp....
-meg
-churchies! (belly.scully.tiffie.val.sar p. josh.gerk. ETC)
-ij-ians.
-linn
-tricia tan!
-marilyn my only meimei.

so many things to do.
yet im GOING to get dwn to it.
you see,
going is perceptive.
and the actual action is figurative. (: heh

pouts~

uni life has started.
an episode i really wish it dint.
and nooo
tv shows shall always remain as such
for cheating me of mah feelings! (poutssss)
workload is so tough that this is prolly the first time this whole week i can even access internet for LEISURE.
and mind you,
its freaking 7 am in the morning.
-form of escapism-.

and its really not that fun like those sweetvalley books,
or OC tv shows,
where all the guys are hot (aka not nerdy)
and al the girls spurge with beauty.
i seriously beg to differ.

the life is so plain.
soooo... dont know.
its not even boring cos there is NO time literally,
for one to pause in his tracks for even one split second.
uni is more sucky.
more.... unlike me.

meeting rus on sat. (hopefully)
alot of tings are left undone.
and unsaid.
and i know just how much you want this.
i cant wait.
as for josh, elliot, pat ect etc,
we're coming up with our own version of the medcamp this weekend so that we can use the initial 155 bucks to have our OWN party,
without the pressure of keeping up with early mornings and activities from the med ppl.
(:

hope all goes well.
gotta jet off to school nowwwww.
so hopefully,
today is a better day for me,
for us all.
and i knw for sure,
lunch time 3 hrs break is gonna my beauty sleep time!
peaceout-.