i dont knw if its jst me/being a girl/being demanding,
butttttttttttt

I WANNA JST GET MARRIED NOW.

hah lol.
i wish.

hwo will we ever with the forver opening line of "so are u still broke?"
or...
"got any money left on ya?" kinda thing. (u get my flow)
i hate it!
i want a life.
a life together. not apart.

MARRIAGE WILL SAVE US wahahhahaha.
okkkk the ring will help a lot too.
but still.
and i jst need a lil reminder once in a while of the lil things that make this special
esp when im in studymode and am not in the best of moods. ):

i need a lil bling.
ha.
JK LA.
and a lil accessory to remind me of what im working ever so hard for.
and that one day i will go home to the best thing ive found.
but no-
all i have is the MEMORY of a vague
yes i will marry you and a very random, though sweet, smile.

nahhh.
a random remark of boredom at home.
i shld be study, but i gotta say. i think i overdid the last few weeks of total disgusting mugging
and now,
ive lost all strength to even open that damned book of a thing.
S:

andddd the primestyle website is jst gorgeousssssss (:
i can look at the rings alllll day!!
hehehe.
( i really have to get one soon before i pass outttt)

woot.
im tired.
and awfulyyy ful frm all the snacks and shebangs in this hse.
sighhhhhhhhh.

oooh and to end off, as usual,
I LOVE THE LIL BOY! (:

tmr is my MCR practical.

hate it!
its on the hands. HANDS.
how do i do a 10 min examination on the HANDS?!?!?!?!?!?!
oh mannnn.

all i can do is memorise and get it right. and not fail anymore this yr. (im kinda getting too comfortable w a fail)
so yes
good luck to me and pray fer me ppl.

watching everybody loves raymond and listening to sad sad songs doesnt help me at all
AT ALL.
hate it.
i wanna study. but im sooooo distracted that i ate.... 4 meals today alr.
OMGOSSHHHHHH. kill moi. ):

sniffffs

sickness is not hotttttt.
);

im shaking from cold yet hot. if u get this paradoxical feverish vibe im giving out S:
sick a hell.
can barely breathe thru my nose so i look like a puffer-freakin-fish.
and i have got tonsilitis.
ONCE AGAIN.

pls tell me whats new.
WHAT???!?!?!?
):

tired.
and a song i loveeeee to end the sad sad post.
-------------------
A thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like a lunar landing
You make me want to run till I find you
I shut the world away from here
I drift to you, you're all I hear
As everything we know fades to black

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending

I never thought that I
Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

I find a place where we escape
Take you with me for the space
The city buzz sounds just like a fridge
I walk the streets through seven bars
I have to find just where you are
faces seem to blur
They're all the same

So much more to say
So much to be done
Don't you trick me out
We shall overcome
It's all left still to play

We - should have the sun
Could have been inside
Instead we're over here

(: gavin rossdale. (:
belly you will love this!!! (:

boredom.

its saturday and the weather is simply gorgeousssss.

but im home, alone,

in a tube top and shortshorts. (for the first time this year)

sighhh how sad right.

i feel guilty even going down for food cos i really shld be studying at home.

SIGHHHHHH S:

im a sad sad case.

so what do i do? photowhore with myself. sighhh*

i wish i was home in spore (or as belly calls it, sillypore heheheh)

sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i have to waitress again tonight. I DONT WANTTT!!! so tired!! from... doing... absolutely nth..

DANG IT!

i better get down to studying tmr. yes. TOMORROW. (:

if i were a boy
even jst for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it.
Cause they’d stick up for me.

If I were a boy I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home

It’s a little too late for you to come back
Say its just a mistake
Think I’d forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah you don’t understand
How it feels to love a girl someday
You wish you were a better man

You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But you’re just a boy
-----------------
this is the new song im VERY ADDICTED TO.
roar! (:
really, this song jumps abt a bit but u'll get it when u watch the music video.
sigh.

but youre just a boy.

its really erghh.
i tink thats why ppl turn lesbian sometimes. reallY!!
i rembr in IJ we used to talk abt this
and i came to the conclusion that we girls like girls more SOMETIMES cos they know what girls like and they'l make the effort to please us
with gifts
flowers when we're down.
celebrate every single thing, even if its an excuse to make us happy.
they knw when to say what
and when silence is a virtue.
they know what its like to be that girl
and still they love us, you knw.

OK IM NOT TURNING LESBO PPL
its jst a phase i went thru.
and as much as ppl shun it,
i think i'm glad i went thru it at least once in this lifetime.
you do, you fall, you learn.
and i think i wouldnt be half the GIRL i am today if i didnt.

its a shame, to some, or most,
but i learned.
and im a much better person.

just wish i could go into a boy's body/mind and show them what girls want and like and need.
and show them- WE ARENT COMPLICATED.
we're simple, just never contented with life and its things.
and im sure if guys jst paid a minute more attention to the littlest things we like or do,
they'll see-
we're just a girl.

im nt mad

i know its a terrible thing to blog when ure mad at sm1
(esp the boyfriend)
but once again,
IM GONNA!

YOU'RE TIRED???
arent u alr used to it, being 5th year in the fucking army?
youre mad you waited a couple of hrs on msn
WHEN I DIDNT TELL U TO.
and you think i was dancing ard nude or sth?????
i had to STUDY my arse off jst so i can go home to you in end nov instead of mid dec.
and YOURE THE ONE COMPLAINING??

i have to work 4 nights a week till 4 the fucking morning jst to eat and LIVE
when all you do is 1 9-5 job.
and im nt baggin your livelihood
but PLEASEEEE dont patronise me now!
you knw very well im suffering with too much work and studying and exams and bills and what not
and there you go with your fucking army
you joined it.
now go accept it!

you want everything ur way
like my airticket home
but you cant even accept MY schedule~!!!
you drive me up the wall smtimes, NOT LITERALLY
and its gonna kill us both one day.

and all i can keep faith in, is that it isnt ONE DAY SOON.

i am officially declaring myself a chronic studyholic.
):

i really freak myself out today.
i sleep uber late
and i mk use of every single second (LITERALLY) when im in cabrini.
even if i got only like 3 mins till the next tute, i would rush to the library (in cabrini of cos) jst to read whtever i can.

now what wld u call that besides nerdattack?
S:

ok now im even proud of my lack of social life and utter nerdiness.
)))): sigh.

wish i had sth better to do now.
no work till sat i think... so that means MORE studying for me this week
and less $kaaching next week. lol.
oh wells.

DAMN my 2 min break frm stacks of paper has ended. now. NOW. ):
see! i cant even spend 2mins and 10 secs away frm my work. roar!

but i do lub chu! (:

this is us on skype.
(: how cuteee my love.

ergh another day at work.. ITS A SUNDAY DAMN IT! ):
i miss the old rich days. wahahhaha

ok its 2am. why am i blogging?

well, i jst ended work (waitressing) and its fuckinnnnnnnnnnnnn tiring
but nw that im home and done my usual routine
-wash up,
get dressed for snoooozing
smoked
taken medications,
i realised- this is independence at its peak
and thinkin abt it, i cant sleep at all.

cos i come home, aft a hard days work (literally),
and i come home to no one.
ok mayb that poop bag of a dog but STILL.
no one.
my cabrini frens arent as close as i thot we were
so thats an out.
and the only ones that give a shit (obviously bsides michieeee my hunnie)
is my workmates. irony.
its the place i hate yet love most to work at.

hate the place
love my colleagues.
i love the idea of the job
(cos i meet a lotttt of new ppl at each uni ball and weddings etc etc etc who realllly entertain me jst being drunk and NOT capable of a decent pickup line)
but i hateeeee the stress and energy i need.

i think ive even lost weight jst working.
WHOAAA thats a biggie for me. (:
(:
OH WELS
so here i am bloggin in the wee hrs cos i cant comprehend why i do what i do.
study as much as i can
yet work at a place i hate with a passion
and still be happy overall.

im lucky im so optimistic this time ard.
(usually im this stuckup, always feeling depressed bitch)
but now its good.
and i just miss keith so much! ):
havent talked to him in a while cos i work when he's home n he works when im at work.
(okk nw i jst sound like a workaholic. and i shld go)

tooloots werld!
this angel is gonna sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep till 8am tmr! WOO! my latest morning this wholeeee year. (: WOOOOOOT!

ok one qn- is it normal to not hear frm keith in 2 days? 2 WHOLE days.
and its the weekend. im sure he cant b that bz...right??
not a msg or call or email.. nth.
and its nv like that before.

ok tiffie u might say its normal but i beg to differ.
you're jst too nice.
and tolerant.

omg 2 days only and im freaking out for god-knws-why.
damnit!!! ):
ok *breatheeees*

and here i was, thinking that its cos somehow it was bcos of the clubbin night on fri.
*longgggggggg pause* OMG.

i knw, its my 2nd post in an hour or so,
but you mustttttt just imagine the state i am in now.
im nt confused, so heres a change.
but im thinkin. more than i shld. more than i wish.

why do i always waste time thinkin abt you
and miss out on all the better things in life tht i have fer sure.

i fall back into this constant what-if state of pure imagination
cos such good things dont come true.
and i watch myself listen to sad sappy songs like the previous one i posted "cant make you love me if you dont" kinda thing.
GET ME OUT OF THIS ZONE.

its like no matter far up the hole i climb, no matter how near to reality i am,
im still in that blackhole.
and its not a nice feeling when you're drained of any sorts of endearment jst over a failed one.
rather,
the idea of keiboy with me seems to block out all the sad ones.

and so, a lovey dovey song for my love. my one. my only one. my now and future.
my tomorrow. my strength. my werld. my spirit. my faith. my grace. my fortune.
my everything and every second of everyday.
the one that i wld give up my werld for, and knw that in return, he'll be the ONE to give up his for me.

I wanna call the stars dwn from the sky
i wanna live a day that never dies
I wanna change the world only for you
all the impossible i wanna do

I wanna hold you close under the rain
i wanna kiss ur smile and feel the pain
I knw whats beautiful looking at you
in a world of lies you are the truth
and baby

everytime you touch me i become a hero
i'll make u safe no matter where u are
and bring you everything you ask for
nth is above me
im shining lik a candle in the dark

when you tell me that you love me

I wanna make you see jst wat i was
show you the loneliness and what it does
you walked in to my life to stop my tears
evreything's easy now
i have you here.

- diana ross.

i dont wanna judge u
and i dont wanna have to dig out our long long history and analyse every single detail that went wrong in our rship.
it took wayyy too long for me to put it in my "to forget" list
and even when i forgave, i still havent forgotten.

anthony:::
its been a while
since anything.
since we talked, went out, or even saw each other.
you cant walk out after 3yrs and 4 mths
when u liked,
and saunter right in when you need me.
in fact, u dont need me.
u just hv no one else to go to.
cos' no one else wld let u.
no one in their right mind will let u ditch them and stil take u back, like i did, with opeennnnn arms
and still have the strength to smile back at u like nth happened.

i missed u for a while. (a very very long while)
i left every ex-bf i had for u.
i gave up the werld jst to be with u.
and nw ive found sm1 worthy to be mine for the rest of my life,
and jst cos we're on hard times now,
doesnt make u a better choice for me.

you cant say i miss u and expect me to give up everything once more for u.
u never gave me anything
not ur time ur effort
not even ur eyes.
u looked at every girl that walked past.
and u cldnt tk one sec to look at me, crying inside and OUTSIDE.
u barely even knw what i like. what color i like. not even what i dont like.
and what i dont like, btw, is u, doing this, at the wrongplace at the wrong time.

its getting a lil old dont u think?

a random sad song i simply love
with no relevance to anyone right nw.
but its sweet. and classic.

and it really makes you reminisce abt all the times when you were in a rship and just cldnt mk that one person you wanted love you.
and cliche yes, but its sickly sad to the bone.
and i listened to this and realised just hw much time, feelings, thoughts, effort and tears ive wasted
just waiting for that one moment that didnt come.
-----------------------------------
by Bonnie Raitt:

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, dont patronize - dont patronize me

Cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power

But you wont, no you wont

cause I cant make you love me, if you dont
I'll close my eyes, then I wont see
The love you dont feel when youre holding me
Morning will come and Ill do whats right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Cause I cant make you love me if you dont
You cant make your heart feel something it wont
Here in the dark, in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart and Ill feel the power
But you wont, no you wont

cause I cant make you love me, if you dont
---------------
the most powerful words sometimes need to be heard a long time ago
to save oneself of the trouble and wasted years.
but when you think about it,
when youre in that trance of making sm1 love you back,
you just can't hear what theyre trying to tell you-
and that one person you'd give up the werld for, just won't give his up for you.

and im bored. again.

ended cabrini early today.
and my initial plan: STUDY the hell up.
but nope.

no books or motivation.
(i still blame the lack of books btw)
hehe.

andddddd ive been searching for houses ard here.
NEED TO MOVE REMBR???
i found an awesome place. BUTTTTT 300/week rent. OUCH.
yes ouch!

so yes. still homeless. wahahhaa.
its not funny i knw.
but funny! that every time i TRY i dont get.
and when i dont need to find a place- all the rents go down. boohooo.
):

miss the life of living carefree and not-broke.
yonkers.