and i cried.

last night was terribly uneventful.
only consolation is that my desperation and need to be loved won tiffany my babeeeeee's attention.
and we talked.
a long one. but worth every penny of it.

probably only she will understand why im feeling that way.

regret, you say?
yessssssssssssssss.

probably one of de most regretted moments of my life, i'd say.
and no,
im nt letting you out. too much burden to bear.

YARRRRRRGH.
WHY DID I HAVE TO LET YOU GO?
PLS REMIND AGN WHAT YOU DID WRONG.
AND WHY I HAD TO LOSE YOU.
a cry of self-actualisation and preservation will never be enough for you.
im sorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry
you did nth wrong.
i was lonely, selfish and what not-.

she's such a star. with her gorgeous canadian/ peruvian backgrnd.
she is very lucky.
and ive been mistaken.

im sure she makes you happier than i ever did.
she's so gorgeous, so perfect.
i can only imagine how happy you must feel to be hers.
and she too.

give me a reason not to be jealous.
you gave her your world.
now, even queensland w her sounds so undeserving.
you should get wht you want.
and i won't stop you.

i really really reallllllllllllly wish you well.
so much till it hurts to see im not even part of it.
when before, we were inseparable at the hip!

you deserve every bit of it.
im really happy.
these tears just can't stop falling.
and i dont knw why.

forgive me, Dim.

i dont expect anything frm you.
i really cant, anyway.
i jst wanna tell you, that before i lose you,
at least i tried otherwise.

i jst cannot live without you.
---------------

a classic song i tink everyone knws by heart. (:

I wanna make you smile
whenever youre sad (over work/soccer/school)
carry you ard when youre arthritis is back (we really have to see an orthopaed abt that)
all i wanna do
is grow old with you.
i'll get your medicine when your tummy aches (dr. binny to the rescue)
build you a fire if the furnace breaks (yeahhhh.. i'll try at least)
it could be so nice.
to grow old with you.
i miss you, kiss you (i actually do)
give you my coat when you are cold (even if im thermoresistant. hah)
i need you, feed you
even let you hold the remote control. (ok we might have to reconsider that.)
so let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink (incl. GST)
put you to bed when you've had too much to drink (no more 21st-s for you!)
oh i could be the man
who grows old with you.
i wanna grow old with you.

self-preservation/.

when youre in depression,everything seems colder.
even the food you cook and effort spent cooking it.
No.... its not the weather. that too.
but that doesnt cause depression,it just coincidentally configures itself to suit the mood.

the mood of emptiness.

revelations revelations revelations.
never too late to shake up your mind.
and never too early to alarm you.

i can only say, winter is coming.

and so are you.

im not witty enuf to tell you what im feeling in a condescending way i would intend to,
usually.
but im not that scared.
its 2 weeks to an osce.
and no examinations attempted.
i am not sad.noooo. im not.
im jst overwhelmed with my ineffectuality.
of being the real chirpy/retarded/exaggerative me anymore.

they call it, self-preservation for a reason.
i'll keep myself for later.

...

lucky her.

i miss you.

loveeeeeeeeeeeee

nth much to blog.
besides- I MISS YOU MEG> thanks for the chat! iluuuuuuuuuu*
and ian- THANKS too! omgosh. the 4 hr ++ chat was worthhhhhhhh it.
i miss chu cousinnnnnn!

Love- isnt getting what you want.
but letting him be happy with what you gave him up for.

thats my new motto.
and its true!
i gave u up

yarggh

OK this is a veryy bad day for me.
alright its not THAT bad. still bad. *rants*

i had to send Ray (fina's new irish bf) to the airport cos he was going to queensland to work. soooo... i had to sleep at 9PM, wake at 3.30AM and drive an hr PLUS to the airport at that shitty time, pay for Etag, LOTSA PETROL, and VERYYYY EXPENSIVE PARKING at the airport.

thats nt that bad- heres the shittier part-
MY ATM CARD IS CURRENTLY DISCONNECTED.
yes that means: no means of drawing money/ no stack of money stored at home/ no emergency money (as dad likes to call it)/ no MONEY basically.

its temp only. HOPEFULLY.
cos' i overdrew my limit for the REST OF THE MONTH and im fucked. like... REALLY FUCKED.
yes. that alsoooo means: NO MONEY TO BUY CIGGS/ no ciggs/ DEATH! yes yes you get my drift.

im fucked. reallyyyyyyyyy.
bills are piling up. and everythings a mess.
heres where my classic phrase comes in- whats the point of having sooo much money when you cant put it to good use... right??

YES! (dont argue with me. im in a pms-y mood nw. thanks)

anddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
i gotta service my car next week. eeeeeeks!
ANDDDDDDDDDDDDD to top off the worse day of the week,
I GOT DRESSED ALL PRETTY PRETTY AND TURNED UP AT AN IMAGINARY LECTURE!
(i misread the timetable ok!)
so all the walking in the rain is gone to waste!
we got no lect and im pissed!
my cpp placement next sem is having probs too!
YARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH -pulls hair and stares at it-

alrighttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.
bye werld

nt enuf to blog.

im in CMHSE. stoooopid SPC meeting today is a pain in the bum!!
its so boring cos the tutor jst rants on abt "hws the weekend? hws ur exam?" kinda talk,
jst to kill time and the pple in it.


wells. shes nice tho. (: i jst hate the project in itself.

and finalllllly one assignment is handed in- CLI.
on fri, rural reflective essay is due. woot.
another assignment to rant abt. tsktsk*

ohyeahhhhhhhhs.
pcl was funny.
we had a whole convo abt my shit (literally)
and how shoving a rectal gel thingy up ur arse doesnt actually make it better.
and wayyyyyy more details (which i doubt you'd like.... right?)
ahahahaha

anddddddd i wanna change my laptop. its hoey
and theres a new iPax thingy.
not sure what its called la.
its like... a portable keyboard you carry ard
with a VERYYYYY small palm-top like monitor.
also portable. how awesome is that!!!!

hahahahah sam used it.
i was like 'ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh'

hahahahha (:


GOTTA GO. SPC MEETING TIME. FUCK!
tskkkkkkkkkkk*
i miss megggggggggggggggggggggggggs.
darl call me soon. if u can. ha.
i dont knw whats the time diff btwn me n u ):

and to tiffie: kick his arse pls. (:

haiyo

another update. yessss i know....
its supposed to be less freq considering i need to study and i dont hv net at home.

blame me.

----
i was on msn with ad my stepmom for quite a longgggggggg while yday.
(using my mobile btwwwwww)
and we talked. abt everything.
abt sarah hehe. abt becky. abt who's going where in their life and what not.
abt MONEY. its always gonna be abt money right?
abt ME.

and it was funny
cos every line she typed, the next wld be "heard you're not with - for quite a while alr"
and "what happened to -"
or "sooooo youre single again huh?"

and it humoured me. greatly.
cos' my stepmom who used to be soooooo directly blunt with my useless/bum-ish bfs,
(like A.) is now so tactful and considerate!
like she was reallyyyyy sincerely concerned abt my lovelife.

and so... i gave it some thot (finally)
and decided to blog out our convo on msn yday....

ad: heard you're not with - for quite a while alr ah
me: ermmmm ya. why.
ad: he's a very nice boy.
(note to self: not MAN or GUY. -boy)
me: ya i knw. too far though. too much shit to handle.
ad: ohh. sooo you're single again huh?
me: errryeahhhh. single and ugly. (haha. i felt that was funny btw)
ad: dont worry la. he's not your type anyway. too into you that daddy says he forgot to mingle with the family.
me: eryeahhhh. (i still insisted on one worded answers. *awkwardly sus of my stepmom* hehe)
ad: you're still young. when you become a doctor, everyone will be queueing up to date you.
me: ya but im lonely now. more like I'LL be queueing up to be dated by ONE guy at least. hah.
ad: you ah! you're not fat la.
me: ?!??!?!?!

hahah and the convo goes off on a tangent.
dont ask why. pple think I TINK im fat.
(which i dont unless i've gained >5kg in a week btw)
which by then, IS FAT.

(:

and that summarises our convo.
im bored ok. nth left to blog abt. leave me alonE!
haha.
oh watched the movie 28Weeks later. wahhhh crap-a-jacks man!
it was a load of bullocks!

):

and im back to my nerdy mode.
1 more essay to go!

I MISS MY BESTIE MEAGHAN SEE>
where are you??
disappearing act, eh??
i'll put a nice pink font jst for u! hehehe. lameeeeeeeeeo.
okie.
wells.
ilu* mostest and take cr okie?
im still on my saving spree to visit you whererver you are.
(no one fuckin told me hw exp it was to visit switz btw)
hehhee..
mwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhS*

and to lionel:
gdluck fer your exams.
its prolly nt my luck you need.
but still- dont overwork doesnt mean overstudy ok!
hahaha study smart love. mwahh

update again!

i stopped blog-whoring.
no net at home. no time to rant.
no things to rant abt mainly.
and no nothing.
nothing new to blog abt and weigh the werld dwn with.

):

got sooooo many freaking assignmts.
isnt that why pple CHOOSE MED??
cos we only have like, veryyyyy few exams
and close-to-zilch ass-ignments?
wellllllllllll well.
buggered ehs.

i read your blog.
and heres a personal reflection on it.

im nt sure who the 'you' is.
it could be her.
it could be otherwise.
and i knw i havent always been there.
and i wish i was. but i cant change what you dont or do feel.
i dont knw what else to say,
but i miss you lotsaaaaaaaaaaaa
and i keep ranting on abt other guys and stuff but you knw i got your back.
righttt? ))))))))))))))))))):

my life's a boring mess.
same shit diff day.

ooooooooh.
this whole time ive been in melb,
ive been missing someone.
someone i tink you'll never guess.
and you reading this now,
i wish you knew.

if you could only see the way she loved me.
baby you will understand.
why i feel this way abt our love and what i must do.

K. is gorgeousssssssssssly sweet
simply the best.
if not cos' of social norms and the stigma you get for being... well... DIFFERENT
frm the rest,
i wld be there now. (or you'll be here)
i dont usually say it out loud
but i see your picture on my wall everyday
and i keep missing those IJ days.
those...
REALLY REALLY sweet days.

i rembr every sec of it all.
frm the 'walking past my class' to get to yours
and i'll skip a beat (literally)
frm the long john days.
ohhh the oil. (hah) and hw i'll convince you that its worth the weight. (:
frm the mall opp novena sq (shit i forgot the name of the place)
to the Bakerz Inn.
OH MAN i loved you most.

i wish we werent that far apart.
even now. we barely talk.
and we barely see each other.
you prolly hate my guts and im prolly too emotionless to show it.
but i miss chu!
and i wish you well.
i really really really doooooooooooooooooooooo sweetie.

----
seems weird nw that im 19 and living it up in melb.
minding my own business
and staying out of sg frens' ones.
and to recall all i was before
cant believe i went out with some pple.
and i didnt with some others
how i misunderstood em
or tried to.
cant believe life is only this good.
(could it get any worse? seriously??)

im over boys.
theres this one guy called Br.he's like OVERLY OBSESSED
with god knws whatttt part of me.
he's reallyyyyyyy freaky
and i cant seem to get him off my back.
he's like planning a whole life out of me.
WITH ME.now THATS FREAKY.
i dont knw how else to get rid of him.
i literally yell and chuck the biggest fit but he NEVER goes away.
god must be teasing me.

oh yes a small shoutout to lionel:
hey i'll send you the money for the flowers.
thanks for that. my mom loved it.
thanks ian for helping to get it too! lovelove cussie!

rural stinks

you know. this rural town horsham isnt THAT bad. i mean...
the place is ahole obviously,
but it gives u time to tink abt life and every other cliche thing that ive been avoiding ever-so-long.

----
today is sunday:
....
till the day you attend mass at a church of a different belief or denomination,
you'll never question-
why arent we all the same?

i am a catholic.
born one, and always will be.

i can assure you that.

but today, as part of my catholic practice,
i attended a full one-hr mass in Horsham (which lemme remind you- am NOT familar with this hole at all)
only up till the last 10 mins did i realise it was an anglican church instead!
and dont get me wrong-
i loveeeeeeeeee all sortsa christians.
but i'd like to knw which kinda church im in at least.
i mean,
church of Horsham doesnt exactly describe this church's denomination right???

even the apostle's creed had the words "we believe in one holy catholic and apostolic church" i mean, thats catholic isnt it?
and they did mention mary quite a few times.

the only diff was that the father randomly swung out his guitar over his cassock thingy and played a children song for the lil ones to singalong to.
THAT was weird.
the informality of it all humored me.

anywayssssssssss
everything was the same
i jst kept reasoning with my conscience- of whether i should stay- and be accepting of a diff practice even though im uneasy at the strangeness squeezing me on the inside, OR
leave early and be like the others who discriminate a different denomination even though we love the one, same God of all.
thats when religious wars start. and i wont be the first to admit to it.

mark and all found it trivial as to what i was feeling-
uneasy yet tryin hard to be accepting.
in addition, the people there were REALLYYYY nice.
at the peace-be-w-u part,
they ALL GOT UP from their seats- even those with disabilities-
jst to hug everyyyyyyyyone in the church.
and at that instant,
iwas reminded of IJ. -reminisce-
and i loved it.
the feeling you get when you miss IJ is really overwhelming.
you cant cry though- cos you knw IJ could only bring you happy memories.

its sucha blessing when youre out in the country-
all alone and bored and feeling distant to god and everyone else,
and the church hugs you tight.
(:

APART FROM THE WHOLE CHURCH THINGY ive been buggering abt,
rural placement is alright.
horsham hospital is okkkk.
they had the hottest surgical interns that everyone calls the "3 musketeers"
HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
*sizzlez*...
HAHA.

---------
cant really update much. the net is realllllllllly slow in this rural place.
i'll update soon.
take care peeeeeeeeeeeps
all those i havent seen in agessssssssssssssssssssssssssss! (:

ilu alllllllllll mwahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh***