sam

yes i am feelin better.
tho i still wish i was near dead.

i hate life.
but for one person (bsides meg of cos)
who makes my life seem more worth living now than ever.
one person who cleared the shit covering my vision when i wanna die,
who missed countless parties to sit beside while i cry my heart out,
who is willing to jst watch me as i sleep. (no matter how shitty i look)
who hugs me even after i spewed out my guts when i had gastroenteritis.

SAM
you're a baby.

my loveeeeeeeeeeeee.

why do all the bad things happen all at oncE?
god always tests me.

but sam comforted me, saying,
god always tests the one he loves most.
(im nt saying he loves u guys less lah. knn)
but i guess sam's right. i hope he is, at least.

KNN. lifes a bitch.

wogs

I GOT INTERNETTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.
big whoop.

(: linn i miss u ten folds babe.
loveeeeeeeeeeeee.

met w elsa, jo goh and carrie de souz last week and this.
OMGGGGGGGGG
fucking IJ reunion.
we chat shit up la.
and took ditz picsssssssss.
CARRIE SEND THEM TO ME YOU TOOT.

and ya. BIG SHIT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.
WTF MAN. KNNBCCB!??!?!?!?

i was parked on yarra st near south yarra station
and me and the ij girls went to LOTUS the hole to club
and some KNN lan jiao wog smashed my car window &^*%)($(^^)(&^%$!
and stole carrie's iPod and camera.
ni na bei

i swearrrrrrrrrrrri can smash any wogs' face now.
yahhh it was fun tho.
IJ GIRLS AT THEIR FAM.
we all jst stood there staring at the shattered shitglass
and stoned for 10 mins
till jo started picking up glass shit.
ha.
anddddd we went police station shit stuff
and what not.
OH MAN.
fuck melb

oh yes. and daddy
sorrrrrrry. i fucked up again. ):
(love you stil dad haha)

i wish i was dead amidst the shattered pieces.
(okkkkk like i always do)

no shit,
seriouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuus.

eh carrie i'll get ur stuff
and jo DONT PANIC *runs ard with broken wrist syndrome*
and elsa, CATCH UP SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON.

love u all. dont worry abt me loves.
i'll be a-okayyyyyyy! (:

lib is my 2nd home.

i havent updated in a while.
boooo.

im in the lib nw...
which is weird cos' im having midyr break.
OH WELLS. lifes a bitchhhhhhh.
got an exam the 3rd day we get back to uni.
booooooooooooooooooo boo.

NEED TO STUDY.

ooooh! thanks ken for passing the letter and stuff to sarah in sg!
loveeeeeeeyou and miss you alr!
yes yes i sent ken off to the airport (as if he's nv comin back. hah)
and i miss you ken alr! boooo!

(ok i realise its my 3rd boo and ive gained no sympathy for myself. heh)

ive been good.
been meeting with sam quite a bit. (the new guy. not meg's sam. ha)
anddddddd ive watched ocean's 13- its okkkkkkay lah. not that great.
oh and hostel II. THAT was gory.
which i fancy. heh.
andddd then alot of other stuff not worth mentioning due to constraints.

basically ive been alright.

gonna start studying fer exams SOON.
(promisimooo!)
been lazy and tired.
andddddddddddddd...
ive been going to Sam's facial place to help my shitty face.
(meg's sam now. ha)
anddddddddddddddddd its so annoying.
dont u jst HATE bad skin days.
well i dont. cos' i LIVE with it.
bleahhhh xP

oh yes.
im gonna try be a nanny again. yay! (: cant cant wait.
haaaaaaaa.

jst realised i have nth useful to blog abt
even tho i havent blogged in ages.
this is sad.
I AM SAD.
booo!
(4th....)
im gonna head to church laterzzzzzz~
woot.

canttttttttt

OSCE is over.
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk yeahhhh.

nth much to blog.
only.
THE HOLSSSSSSSSS ARE HERE!
only tmr left. but no exam till july. WOOT! (:

gdluck lionel for ur paper anyways.
thanks for trying to come.
sure made me feel more significant! (;

and to all else.
im free.
yes yes i am.
i may not knw how to say it.
butttt......

jst knw that im missing you.
so much left unsaid.
i guess,
no matter what,
you'll always be my baby.
no matter when,
i'll always be here for you.

i can'tttttttttttt, jst cant, live without you.
what dont you understand.

such a disguise.

IM SICK. SICK SICK SICK.
fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk a duckkkkkkkkkkk.

i got DE FLU.
everyone back up back up!
theres an endemic (wayyyy worse than a epidemic that is!) ... IN MY ROOM.
the flu buggie is floating stale in MY air.
and i cant breathe anymore.

plssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss heal me.
this is gonna take more than a doctor to cure me.

i've been bz with boredom.
HAHA oxymoron. -snap!-
whamp!
been studying for osce. YESSSSSSSSSSSSS im actually studying
and NOT bitching abt some random kid on the block.
and ive decided. i wana work next sem.
even if i fail. haha
im bound to fail anywayyy
might as well get money while failing right?
(oh god i sound like you. ewwww)

i miss u cuzzieeeeeeeee ian!
ohhhh and of cos...BECKY!
thanks for ur letter and photos.
FINALLY A WRITTEN REPLY FRM YOU! (:
iluu mostest! (:

i dont have much to blog.
except-
my scars are all healing now,
but my heart never will.

sound familiar guys?
(laughs to self unctrllably.)
heh.
inside joke. go figure.

(:
okkkkayyys.
to all single ppl out ther (sorry jeff. HAHA)
happy singleness. (orrr whattttever)
(: im actually free frm worries
and watching how i behave or dress or act or blah blah.
and free of obligatory outings with bf's frens
and pretending to like their sexist jokes.
(and ocasionally add some of my personal 'favourites' in it).
free of tears made to fall
and expenditure on major xmas/bday presents.
and family presents (to impress).
no more 'dress-planning' to mk sure they dont criticise how you dress.
cos i am FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFREE.
and mannnnnn
its good to be me.

there a diff. really.
a physical one.

the attached rach- with nice expensive clothes
and done-up hair (even for uni)----> the glam me.
and the single rach-
with unkempt hair
and trackies for uni with converse shoes. (non-heeled)----> the wake-up -look me.
aka. natural/non-fake me.
even if it means no make up or no prdts in the hair.
at least im still me.

such a disguise.

anaemic aaryanna.

apparently pple on friendster arent afraid to get shot.
by me of cos. (:
------

i cant stop bleeding.
i have......... haemophilia! ... or or.... warfarin overdose or smth.
ooooooosh!
maybe even anaemia. (okayyyy we've established that a while ago... sighh)

i have to stop staring at my pain and smiling.
god wasnt there.
or maybe freewill doesnt sound that much of a good idea now, does it?

have you ever tried cutting yourself to see if you'll bleed.
and to test your pain threshold?

and when the werld's a-mess,
you'd bleed just to knw youre alive.

i gotta stop trying to feel pain.

right here waiting

ive altered every wrong bit in my life.

lets start with the basics!

ive started my lifetime of sport again (yes. i vaguely rembr my squash/volleyball/tt/gyming fanatics.)
and ive started this sporty rach right!!
with low-dose exercise to minimise a facade of being 'sporty' at first and the feeling and urge dying down after 2 days of sweat.
yes. ive played squash 3x this week.
and now, i actually RUN for the damn ball.
instead of standing ard, waiting for the ball to hit a bad corner of the forsaken wall and roll its way back to my foot. (:

anddddddddddddddddd i walk to uni...
without complaining. wells, prolly cos i got no choice but I ACTUALLY ENJOY WALKING NOW.
darn im a changed woman. (:

and today is the last smoke day for me.
NO MORE marlboros. fuck you ciggs.
stay out of my mouth pls. thankyew very much ((((((((((((((:

yes yes,
trivial as it seems,
i realise that the first step to being loved is to love yourself and not coagulate atherosclerotic plaques in your arteries! (:

man im goodddddddddddd.

anddddddddd to top it all off-
im staying single.
in fact ive alr started making a very veryyyyyyyyyyy conscious effort to do so.
and ive succeeded (pls let me gloat)

Logic came over yday to accompany me to send fina off to the airport at 4fucking am.
and when we got back.........
*ahem*
but no!
I used my non-bimbotic strength to dodge his flirtatious means and
I FOUGHT BACK.
in fact, i fought so hard i think he freaked out.
but who cares!
cos' im keeping myself whole and worthy.
pls dont insult me, Logic.
im nt your bitch.

and so, to top off my efforts,
ive faithfully added GOD as a to-love-list
instead of having an obligatory feeling everytime i attend church.
and god knows D,
i pray for you every second of the day.

my days of ranting abt how im loveless and incapable of loving or being loved stuff is over!
i mean, i prolly still feel it when im praying each night
and i wont deny-
I FEEL IT in my blood.
but im soooo over tryin to change that fate of mine
that i become selfless, inconsiderate, intangibly secluded frm civilisation.
but no more. werld!

i will love when its due,
i'll be loved when its destined.
i'll keep myself worthy and cleansed of unworthy ppl till i know its right.

and to redirect my sanity to love,
i have a new blog for love-ranting.
(no ure not getting the address. keke)

D.,
i'll be right here waiting.

fer youuuuuuuuu.

Вы будете все еще любить меня завтра утром??


Forever and ever babe.




that was the promise i made.

and im sorry.

im sorrayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye lionel.

maybe i was the biggest/longest mistake.
blame me.

I CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT IVE DONE.
im sucha shithead. i dont sleep anymore.
i dont even rembr how it felt to sleep.
i can only rembr words racing thru my head.

alex n i went to Romeo's yday. DE BEST PANCAKES AND DINING PLACE iN TOORAK.
rawr.
anywyyyyyyyyyy (beside the wgt gain)...
it was nice to catch up with an old old fren i treasure so much but very often forget to show it.
andddddddddddd
he stayed over at mine and we were late for uni. TSKTSK.

we talked all night., literally.
and i realised,
sometimes, its the smallest things that we need to fix tho it seems trivial at times,
that can make the hugest and most significant difference to our life.
and mk it much easier to live.


i lost all excuse to find life worth living.

and im breaking into bits.

will you still love me tmr morning?
-forever and ever baby.

pls forgive me.
i knw nw what ive done.