tempt me not.

a special thanks to elliot and pat.
for watching FINAL DESTINATION III with moi.
(:
yes it was alright. apart from the fact that it was close to identical to the first two episodes.
but ahhhh
today's movie was to relax myself
and to provide my mind with ALL forms of distraction.
i think im ashamed to say
that my nicotine addiction has become far more than just pathological.
its psychological.
which just implies,
that its IN my ctrl but my useless system doesnt acknowledge that.
roar!
):

i may nt have touched a single cigg for almost 2weeks ++ alr
and i have to say,
thats f*ckin hard.
but im proud of myself.
but a burning feud to succumb is tempting.

i miss life.
in spore i mean.
when MEN didnt have such an impact
when my EGO was bigger than my brain (self-preservation i call it!)
when studies always distracted me from evil
when cigarrettes were uncool (OMG i actually cant rembr how to even spell ciggs now)
when clubbing was an activity of fun and NOT insecurity.
when size didnt matter really. (cos i had lovelyyyyy sam and all to convince me- im nt fat) hahaha
when basically,
there was only my fam, friends and myself.
no you, you, the other you, anddddd you.
when i had bungbo there.
i had meg, linn, tiffie, belly, scully, churchies! and ij-ians.
when i had the world at my feet
but the sky was the limit.
when i had a life.
and now i regret.
not comng here, but not living life my way.
my style. my choices. my desires.

im living it the way YOU want me to.
the way i HAVE to, to avoid conflict.
the way people EXPECT me to.
and therefore, in sucha process,
i've lost myself.

im ranting and its random.
but after our 3 hr chatting with pat dearest,
i realise ONE thing.
i'm not me.
J is still the usual HIM. (isnt it jst so typical tht the WORLD knws you like that)
pat is still coping (with her selfpreservation skills at work!)
el is still the same thrifty but ever-so-thoughtful-when-it-comes-to-me guy.
evan is still a flirt and overall *toot* thats so hot. hah.
etc etc ET-fuckin-C.

im lost at lectures.
exams are a blink away.
i havent gotten my baby beetle back.
its still so young! and vulnerable! roar!
i hvnt started my note-taking regime.
and im definitely NOT in the mood to see you right now.
roarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
i intended to sleep on my couch but never got to it.
cos elliot caught a MASSIVE huge fury-ish spider near it.
and therefore,
i shall have to disinfect this area before i rest my precious bod on it.
(:
heh.
im going insane.
my heart's slowly failing me.
i can hear its transient myocardial palpitations irregulate my pulse. (i made that term up btw. im really not that smart. wahahah)
i can,
feel it.
damn.
its just not right.

i cant say i love you anymore,
because i want you to be happy.
-anonymous.