omg again!!!!

currently at the lib cos its my final exams for med in general ):
FREAAAAAAAAAAK!

anyways so im in the lib now at the computer as u can tell.
and i looked across the computers...
and THERE HE WASSSSSS.
the same guy i blogged about a few months ago.
the one who looked identical to Keith.
the one i couldnt stop staring at.
the one i was getting all emo about.

smtimes, jase gets mad that i still talk or think about him.
but the thing jase fails to see, is that i cant stop when everything ard me is keith-like,
and even this guy looking back at me RIGHT NOW reminds me of keith looking at me
oh mann
its not about stil loving an ex-fiance,
or missing him.
its about the basic instinct to LOOK.
the instinct to see if somehow, in some random somewhat perverse way, he cld smile back AS IF to acknowledge wat we had.
then reality has to hit me eventually
and even as that guy stares,
he';s not seeing ME.
he's seeing that girl who's always at the library, studying med, and i wish she'd come up to me since shes been staring so much.
lol.
and at no point did he ever think, that he looked so much like that girl's ex-fiance.

amazign how God puts this temptation of a stranger in front of me a week before my exams.
fuck me.

i need to rant. and this dead blog came to mind (:

i had a thought, because of all my random illnesses these days.
not that im dying (pls, dont celebrate yet)
but just out of pure ERGHH-ness.

If i died today,
I would have regretted not saying:
- to owen liu: ERGH THAT BIRD FACE GIRL IS NOT GD ENOUGH FOR U! and i am SO Much better than that. ERGH! its not my fault u have bad timing and a crazy ex-gf. *pouts*
if i died today, i'd regret everything i didnt say and SHLDVE said to u.

- to jason chau the "viet": thanks for everything b. altho we both know the expiry date is near, i just want to say it wldnt BE good riddence! and for all staying around throut my pain, thank you darl.
if i died today, you've made it feel so much better.

- to keith rod: oh god. this would be horrible. cos i miss and love u. always. sth's never change.
if i died today, i'd be watching you from above. (: -angel.

- to Ringo Chan the hongkie: BE A MAN and stop telling eveyrone abt ur tootsie lil shrimp of a girl. man up and live with it. it was good, but this isnt gonna get any better cos' shes a shrimp.
WOW. sucha hater today huh?
and last but NOT least (i assure u), if i died today, you'd be remembered as the guy who left me on a fucking post-it.

i miss keith. dito.

jewel his younger sis called me frm spore today
and i dont know
felt a wave of shame yet so much misses and love.

u think u knw sm1. and then u feel uve lost touch of the basic feelings u had.
but then again, one msg and it all comes running back.
and the love doesnt seem so forgotten anymore.
and when i come to think of it,
i hvnt had an actual decent rship where i felt i NEEDED to be in, since keith.

but after uve hurt a grazillion ppl on the way to 'recovery',
you feel thers no turning back.
cos if u do
u trample on those pple once more to get back to the start where everything was the way God made it to be.

and if i think more abt what cldve been- a simple wedding, lotsa kids, a simple RING
and all that was suddenly good enough for me.
i would realllly hate my life.

and if i tried to forget, i'd be lying. for the DAYS AND MONTHS (close to 6 mths alr btw) of reminscing and regret.
i feel like i finaly found someone- but he's not mine anymore.

and so emo, but to think i announced my engagement out loud.
i was the proudest bride u'd ever find.
well its over now.
and im dating someone called jason for 3 months now.
wow.
times have flown by.
with no remorse for me.

and i wish just once, i could wake with 6 months amnesia disorder and just continue where we left off.
just say yes, baby

brief update.

yes i realise i stopped blogging and facebook more than health permits. lol.

a quite update to alll the rships ive had in prolly the last 6 mths.

to keithboy my love:
- so much misses, from wayyy over here. and so much things to say but i lack the courage. and when i do get the courage, i lack the will. so in short, whatever i did wrong which i wont try to mk excuses for, but for what i did or didnt do for u, im truly truly sorry. this is probably the biggest mistake of my life.

to ringo the honkieboy:
- ughhhh. the emails and msgs and calls and LOOKS. i re-read all i have of u, and the shit i put u thru even when u stayed by me, willingly and open to get hurt. you've been the best best-ex-bf to me. and tho short lived, i believe you'd get by just fine without me. but as ur new best-ex-gf, i have to say, i admire your strength in doing this and i love u baobei!

to jase, oh-what-should-i-call-you- boy:
- you're quick to listen to ur frens' judgment of me, and thts fine.
you're slow to express or even feel that lil tinge of love.
and thats fine too.
but love freely is all i realy wana say. dont be guarded.
youre the opposite of ringo, in fact, almost so opposite icant rembr how i got into this.
but dont be like that. dont think youll never be enough for me cos we're young, we're healthy (almost invincible with alcohol lol) and its not always a bad thing to reopen your heart after a bad rship.

WOW i do sound like a hoe, when im relaly not. well not fully.
im getting a lil overplayed for my age and i ned to stop alc and ciggs and just live right for abit.
psych is driving me nuts. thank god its ending this week. then GPland here i come~

booo

i am sure youre wondering... wheretf is rachel right?

yes a month of not blogging is ridiculous, considering i dont do anything useful w my life anyway S:
butttttttttttt exams, holidays, alcohol/y2k, etc keep me busy! (:

and soooo
nth to update except this short-almost-symposium of my lovelife since keith left....

dated a hongkie Ringo. nice sweet but he left too, on a post-it.
cos he thot he was doing ME a favor by leaving while he felt i dont love him,
dito.
we're "best friends" now, as he calls it, although he regrets everything.
and so, yes, another ex has became my friend, just a friend *sigh.

then comes jason, a tiny (literally pple!) viet-born CHINESE aussie.
complicated. so like ABC basically. only that he was born in viet,.... with no viet blood... hmmm...
anyway nice and all that but SHORT. hes tiny! hes ABOUT my height without heels.
then when the weekend comes and i strut ard in my hot stiletoes, he's shorter.

anyhoot
dont know where anything is goign atm, so im not gonna be picky
(its not like im ever getting married from here on. hahahah)

and thats it.
in a jift.
hmmm.
yes.. nth else i think..... hmmm... sighhhh.
oh yes and news flash- im broke.
boo.
cos of medical treatments im doing atm. dont ask. UGH makes me sick to just think of it.
thousands of dollars spent on treating an almost incurable sickness. tsk tsk.

im bored.
i need alcohol!
been real sick.a pparently lotsa med students have swine flu frm hospital, sooooooooo im kinda STUCK.
i got exudative tonsilitis, RIGORS at night, fever, flu, cough, chesty wheeze and headache. etc etc.
andddddddd doc says its viral. so meh. what to do huh.

i hope i do get swine flu and delay my assignment dateline.
boooo. ):

why arent i dead alr??

most times i would whine that life really sucks. (it still does but shoosh)

but today
i shall be contented.
with whatevr i have left.
whether or not ppl might think its worth being happy for.

it realy isnt.
but shooosh! im tryin here. (:

so no more engagement or longdist rship.
no more fighting or accusing.
no more changes or holdbacks.
no more sweettalks or late night phone calls.
no more chances.
no more iloveyoutilltheend.

lifes way of showing you its worth living despite al the motherf*ckin shits,
is to show you that after it all,
youre stil you. the same girl that went into the rship in pieces.
got better. fixed into place.
and despite leavng in pieces,
it goes to show youre still the same ol you.
andthats comforting to know,
esp in this critical getting-over point in your life,
when you think
damn. things change.

cos really, YOU dont change. things/circumstances/thoughts change.
but ultimately, u live for u
and if 'U' is still the same,
then u'll be fine.
the same way you were fine when the past rship ended.
and the previous one.
and the preceding one.
the same way you were fine when you felt, once again, that the world stopped turning
and youre left to fend for yourself.

God has his way of fuckin up everything you ever wanted so badly,
but he gives you the opportunity to step back, look at it with bloodshot eyes, YET learn frm it anyway.
and give you the strength to be just the way you were made to be- loved.

again

i dont think its enough to keep thinkin about someone.
someone.
and its definitely not enough to keep missing them.

and with every fuck-up you face in life,
God throws you a lifeline.
so i grabbed on with dear life
and started all over again.

frm the top!

and you climb back on your feet, starting on your knees.
and while you keep tryin to be normal and let the world see you're stronger and better than that,
the REST of the world is judging you.
standing by, as you crawl from your knees, to try and get up,
and they just judge.
without offering a hand.

and yes,
i did an incredibly stuuuupid thing, (or FEW THINGS)
and i havent been de best gf one could get,
i admit (at least),
but i gave evrything i had. every single thing.
onyl to get an ineffectual return.
and for now, i am alright.
or at least i will be.

exam is tmr but i cant concentrate.
im in the library at monash
and theres an engineering guy sitting directly opposite me. (literally wiithn 2 metres)
and he resembles keith in every motherfucking slap-in-the-face way.
and my god,
i cant stop staring.

sooooo.... exam you say?