-goodbye-

I can see the pain living in your eyes
And I know how hard you try
You deserve to have so much more
I can feel your heart and I sympathize
And I'll never criticize
all you've ever meant to my life

I don't want to let you down
I don't want to lead you on
I don't want to hold you back
From where you might belong

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would rather hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say
But goodbye

You deserve the chance
at the kind of love
I'm not sure I'm worthy of
Losing you is painful to me

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to say
But goodbye

You would never ask me why
My heart is so disguised
I just can't live a lie anymore
I would hurt myself
Than to ever make you cry
There's nothing left to try
Though it's gonna hurt us both
There's no other way
Than to say
Goodbye

-oh god.
i never shldve watched spore idol.
they all suck.
yes, EVEN JOAKHIM (or whatever his fname is)
OMG. except a few hot ones, but voCally- zero. zilch.
now im depressed- hooked onto this retarded fucked up song.
i HATE THIS SONG. its stuck in my head.
and instead of going all pompous and canniving,
and what not,
i'll be honest and BLUNT.

josh.
it didnt matter that you left me to dead (noooo thats not a grammatic error)
whether you tell the werld or pat or elliot or YOUR FAVOURITE GIRL
how clingy i was,
or how 'uncool' you felt with me,
let me just say that I WASNT THE ONE WHO DIDNT TRY.
so before you 'go all ballistic on me' (note the quote/unquote),
please dont assume im doing well,
OR that im dying without  you.
yes,
you may have made my day when i met you at zouk.
and i MAY have looked so much happier STILL,
but werent you the one who told me looks are deceiving?
and WERENT YOU THE FUCKING ONE WHO TOLD ME NOT TO JUDGE?
well if it makes you any more ego than you already are,
i DID MISS YOU. AND HELL DO I, RIGHT NOW.
but if not because i have pple (OTHER THAN YOU) who can make me  happy (not HAPPIER),
i think id be dead.
i dont have to spell each one out.
but you should knw me best-
i wouldnt render myself helpless in fronta you. of all pple.
josh.
if its me who's over-reacting,
that OPS, my bad.
but if its you pretending and putting up a facade,
then i wouldnt be too proud that im like this.
ergh.

im ranting.
OK RANDOM PPLE- GET OFF MY BLOG. THIS IS PRIVATEEEEEE/
hur. like you'd care.

joshjoshjosh.
i soooooo want to stand up to you. for myself.
to stare you in the face and just yell out to you.
just TELL you this is NOT what im like.
that men n girls ard me is NOT who i am.
im NOT that girl at mambo d-dancing with all the guys i cant even rembr.
im NOT that drunkard puking and FAGGING in the club.
in fact, IM NOT A FAGGER.
if not for the times i tried to drown you out of my head with cigarrettes,
I WOULDNT have a relapse of smoking.
JOSH- THIS IS NOT ME. 
im not the one who ironed YOUR clothes- i ironed OUR clothes, 
cleaned OUR house,
washed OUR dishes,
ate OUR homecooked food,
made OUR notes for lecture.
its was never a 'YOUR's alone. YOU put the "Y" in "ourS" and made it YOURS alone.
i didnt take care of you when you were first drunk.
WE BOTH DID.
you helped by staying sane (and funny with ur accent)
and I helped by tucking you in.
i didnt accompany you every day and night.
WE BOTH DID.
you did your part in my place
and i did mine. 
WE had each other.
"accompanying" involves two.
i couldnt have done anything without you.
so before you victimise yourself
and make everyone tink low of me,
i'd let you have the benefit of the doubt and ASSUME i was the 'bad one'.
josh.
it isnt worth both of us trying to avoid even eye contact/
and worse still.
giving WEIRD, pretending-i-didnt-notice-youre-noticing-me stares.
THIS ISNT US, josh.
we're both not like that. and i tink you knw that veryyyyyy well.
we're cheerful, laugh-at-racist-and-lame-jokes,
sing in the car at the mostttttt retarded girlband songs,
drive all the fuckway to dandenong for CHICKEN,
AND YOU GET MY POINT.
we're not supposed to 'act' that way.
in fact we're not even supposed to be acting.

so if you let me go,
at least dont let me down.
i missed and still miss you.
but i'd keep this as my lil' secret.
and you keep me yours.
): my heart is so disguised.