-desensitized-

thats how anshini dear wld describe me (:

in lecture today,
me and ansh were soooo bored that we were either
a) talking
b) listening to music
c) doodle-ing on our notes
d) cant be fucked.

right.
(: so we came to a picture of a patient with oral candida albicans.
some random rare bacterial disease.
and we had absolutely NO reaction to it.
(well it did look realllll gross)
but we just COULDNT BE FUCKED. period.
so we took a glare at each other.
and she said what im in self-denial for-
"disensitised".
well. apparently im emo-less now
(I WONDER WHY)
and its not because i WANT to be like you
or that i tink its so fuckin cool' to be like dr house. (hey i love that old hottie k)
its simply cos' i dont have a choice.
in order for a person to get fucked in a relationship (not literally)
and NOT respond unproductively later on,
one HAS to be emotionless, i swearrrrrr.
its just a lousy way of NOT dealing with unnecessary withdrawal symptoms
like crying like a bitch,
hurting like fuck,
and STILL- walk out of it all in one piece (without selfmutilation)
haha.
good illustrations eh?

lets just say ive learnt it the hard way
-winks.

today was an ok day for me.
no biggie.
ohhh ohh ohhh.
but i did do some grocery shopping!
thanks to dilini elliot and pat! for accompanying me allllll the way.
(: yipeee!
FINALLY.
food in my hse after 2.5weeks of virtually emptiness in my fridge and cupboard.
wahahhahha (:

i watched them in the lect hall
and in the stalls.
i watched how close they were
and how they go on without even noticing how envious i am of them.
they seemed so carefree.
like nth really mattered even after breaking up.
and i thot to myself-
such a nice world.

to be oblivious to the fact that, one: theyre NOT tog anymore.
two: others will think otherwise.
three: the fights dont add up to the joy of simply being.
and four: it might become more than what they were expected.
believe i think too much.
but i realised, that to detechnicalise everyyy event in my life
and to spell them all out,
gives me a way to be totally rational about stuff
and to be PRAGMATIC and PRACTICAL (right jerk?)
about every single detail.
and therefore, leading to the deprivation of emotional thoughts.
im cleansed of it all
and its really not a bad thing!

nw i realise why its so fuckin ez for YOU mofo to get out of situations the way you do.
well,
you simply DONT GIVE A FLYING FUCK, do you?
ahhhh now how cld i have misread all the signs
and believed you?
ohhh waittttttt. i knw...
cos there was TRUSTTTTTTTTT and nth beats having that when your boyfriends a wanker, out fucking ard- RIGHT fuckwit?

today got back last week's journal.
frm Ciaran, our HEP tutor.
and she commented that i can turn to her anytime.
that im not alone
and shes been thru it all.
that i will get thru this,
with her.

and i was overwhelmed.
she's just a tutor- and im feeling sooo close to her.
even tho tutes are rather silent.
i love her! ciaran, two thumbs up! (: i'll be alright.
i'll be alright.
i'll be.. alright.
-looks in the distance-.

I AMMM GONNA BE ALRIGHT.
its just an episode- a phase i have to go thru.
its funny.
B. (my loveeee) didnt have such a stabbing effect on me.
i mean,
i weeped my eyes out and i did fall sick alot
i felt like the werld's going to suffocate me
i knew there wasnt another way out.
and suddenly,
you come along
and shattered my already-miserable life.
but i knew we were on life-support as it was.

we really couldnt make it tog, could we.
i wish you listened before you said goodbye.
and now i can only say i hope you're doing well.
cos im not there,
to cook (tho you cook well),
to wash up, (hurhur now im jst the maid!)
to wash YOUR CAR (you loved it as much as i did love you! pout!)
to IRON (rembr how you took hours for one shirt and your pitiful eyes melted me? rembr??)
to cuddle up with you (even tho it was summer, but we didnt give a care. did we.)
to fight with you (now who else would argue that theme 2 was worth learning? haha)
to kiss you goodnight (and watch you sleep thruout the nighttttt)

this is exactly what im saying!
pondering all night and all day
and NOT even realising im STILL here alone.
i cant believe it!
im in the relapse stage of the Prochaska Diclemente cycle.
haha.
ohgod. why am i even blogging.
you reallyyyy wanna know what song ive been singing in my head all week?
all month?
-"still" by brian mcknight.
why isit my msn nick allllllll this while?
WHYYYY dont i change it?
WHYYYYYYY i bother to give a fuck to blog about how much i really hateeee you?
why?
WHY? -and you question me still.-

can i please pretend you still exist inside of me?